Dating : Why are the men I date so aggressively affectionate?
I don’t know if this is just a Bay Area thing, but the men I have been out with have been *really* aggressively affectionate. At some point during the date, the man I am with will typically grab, grope, or kiss me without my consent (and sometimes explicitly against my wishes). And it keeps happening. I understand that men are interested in sex; I am, too. We all have urges. But a date isn’t permission to cop a feel or to put your tongue down my throat… without asking (if I want that, I’ll make that clear, don’t you worry). That’s creepy, and it’s also really off-putting in that it reeks to high heaven of desperation. Idk, play the game just a bit longer, act aloof, don’t be a creep. It doesn’t seem like rocket science to me, honestly.
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The fact that this has continued to happen (happened today, which is why I’m posting) really makes me hesitant to go out on dates. I have it on my profile that I’m not into hookups and I prefer to get to know someone just a little before doing too much. Like, that is front and center on my profile for this exact reason. And yet??? I don’t know if I’m more upset or more afraid after today. Shaken up, for sure. I mean, dude full-on fucking Frenched me, grabbed my face, and wouldn’t let go even as I was trying to protest. Like, what the FUCK is wrong with some people? I clearly wasn’t into it, why would you keep going and act like that’s acceptable????
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I’m honestly starting to lose hope in dating at all. I’d almost rather be single than continue going on dates with fucking lunatics who clearly have no concept of boundaries or social cues. Like, that’s the #1 reason I don’t go out on many dates: creepy, aggressively affectionate weirdos. I didn’t find it to be as much of a problem when I was abroad in Ireland or Scotland, so is it just an area thing? Like, if I gtfo of the Bay like I’m planning to next year, might I experience less of this?
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Sorry this post is all over the place. So are my thoughts, honestly. I don’t know how to avoid this in the future, and I’d like to. The people who have done this shit all seemed perfectly nice on paper, so Idk how to weed out the creeps.
I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Since you said the Bay Area, are you dating men who work in technology (men who have probably had very little luck in love)? I ask because they can have a lot of emotional scars and sometimes don’t know how to behave. This behavior might be over compensating for some insecurity. I would suggest correcting them by swatting and being verbally upset about it. Don’t let them do this without being corrected. If they continue then they don’t respect you so just dump their ass.
aaah my God this literally happened to me last week – he grabbed me 10 minutes into the FIRST date and slammed his face into mine (I guess he thought that was kissing) it was disgusting and gross and inappropriate. bc it was in a bar/restaurant with kids around and stuff i didn’t want to make a scene either. I did send a msg on the app the next day telling him I thought his behavior was gross and crossed the line &once he responded, I unmatched. I’ve heard men hate the word creep so I would always make sure to say it if it applies. I have no idea why men are like that except that they don’t respect boundaries or personal space. at least it’s good to weed out the weirdos on a first date before you waste any time the only thing I can think of a solution (aside from the obvious- that men stop) is that women who deal with call out the men and tell how grossed out they are. or call them out as it’s happening but I know that can be harder in the moment
You know what they say about dating in the bay area….the odds are good but the goods are odd. Not only have I had the same problem you have had (maybe not to your extreme but guys have kept putting their arm around me and trying to hold my hand 1st meeting and I was like wtf I just met you like at least wait until I agree to the 2nd date so you know if I like you in that way or not…..) but a lot of guys feel like its totally normal to talk about their casual drug use to me? Like is it that rampant in tech to casually snort some coke on the daily that they feel that comfortable telling me about it on the first date LOL because they mention it like its nbd and I literally run in the other direction.
This happened to me a couple of months ago in Seattle. And I was so surprised by it because I’ve never had that happen it was a major turn off, the guy was hot but with him being aggressively affectionate I was a little concerned and it’s the reason why I didn’t want to go out with him again.
Stab with fork
What the fuck? I’m a single guy in Silicon Valley and don’t really date, but this does make me feel a bit better knowing that at least I’m not a rapey asshole.
The Bay is so corrupt it’s not even funny.
STEM and Computer Sciences are overrepresented in this area, plus MBAs.
That’s a trifecta of fields that notoriously, even proudly, discriminate against and objectify women.
Consent is a thing you only do, if your corporate lawyer can’t find you a loophole.
This is kinda extrene for me to say. I’m usually more eh, everybody gets weird sometimes.
But – really?? Like I got groped at work. In a freaking office. Its a running gag to yell Sexual Harrassment! I’m telling HR! Which is extra funny bc we don’t have HR.
But yeah – no luck on dates in the Bay. Crazy-entitled rape-culture scions everywhere. Ugghhh.
Poorly socialized and not used to flirting. They are still in the all or nothing stage (either completely boring and chaste or being way too aggressive) and haven’t learned how to calibrate things.
One thing that helps on profiles is to put as much detail about yourself as possible. The high quality men will usually only go for the women who have good bios.
The low quality dates don’t read your bio at all so warnings will likely woosh over their head.
>I mean, dude full-on fucking Frenched me, grabbed my face, and wouldn’t let go even as I was trying to protest. Like, what the FUCK is wrong with some people? I clearly wasn’t into it, why would you keep going and act like that’s acceptable????
That’s fucked up. Makes me wonder….if you guys were having sex and you told him you wanted to stop, would he stop?
I don’t understand people like that. Maybe it’s me because I feel like being respectful and polite is more important than sex.
> I have it on my profile that I’m not into hookups and I prefer to get to know someone just a little before doing too much. Like, that is front and center on my profile for this exact reason. And yet???
9 times out of 10 « I dont do x » means you do X. Think of it like nice guys who say they are nice. If you are actually nice you dont need to say you are nice.
I’m in the bay area and heard about this kind of thing from a friend who did tinder. Never seen it personally though
A simple factor could be the way that you dress. I know it shouldn’t be necessary but try turning it down and see if there is a difference
Take the other side of the coin – a man who doesn’t go for what he wants gets no sex and no girlfriends. These men who you’re referring to are aware that you have to signal your intentions early and strike while the iron is hot. If you wait too long to show your interest to a woman, she will move on. She will assume you’re weak and not interested. Women will only give you one chance, if you don’t show the interest early enough, you’ve blown it. You get put into a friendzone category and she’s labelled you as a weak man who is incapable of going for what he wants.
I’m not trying to sound like a smart ass or the nicest man in the Bay Area but not sure why these type of men are getting a date with you and act like donkey ass.
I was raised to be a gentleman and always behave properly in front of women. And I know for a fact that I’m not the only one. I have friends and people that I know in real life that will never do that in a date.
Perhaps you should try getting to know them a bit better before accepting a date. Like, phone calls, multiple text messages (Q&A)
Either you are extremely attractive or you are choosing the wrong guys. Or both! Haha.
But in all seriousness I thought it was pretty standard to kiss on a first date? If you dont want to/find it inappropriate then make it clear beforehand. Because the way that many guys have been taught is that if they dont make a move early on then they will be perceived as weak and not suitable dating material.
Where as if you explicitly tell them that you dont kiss/hook up on a first date then they should either cancel the date or respect your demands. If they dont then goodbye.
Perhaps online dating isn’t a good fit for you. I think that community is a lot about hook ups and I feel as if you are better suited to being friends with someone first and slowly getting to know them before getting intimate (based on your post.)
On a side note, where did you stay in Scotland? I live in Edinburgh atm.
Idk Maybe you’re just that sexy lolol I myself go out of my way to make sure I’m not making her feel uncomfortable and take my time. I ain’t a ho and don’t want one neither
Playing devil’s advocate here but isn’t it a guys job to try and read into the situation. A lot of girls would be upset if they didn’t get kissed on the first date. The other stuff is obviously suspect but I would argue that depending on the girl it’s almost expected to happen or otherwise deemed weird.