Dating : Why is sex so important in a relationship? Why can’t one get a relationship that doesn’t involve sex immediately and wait until later?

Dating : Why is sex so important in a relationship? Why can’t one get a relationship that doesn’t involve sex immediately and wait until later?

I(F23) have been trying to make relationship with guys but the moment they know my stand about sex they bail. Why is it so important to get sexually involved on the go? I do understand that sex helps a lot in a relationship but I just believe and feels it involves a lot of intimacy. I don’t want to give up yet because I believe there is someone out there for me. What can I do?

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What do you think?

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  1. I never thought sex was that important until I was in a relationship where the sex was horrible. It made me a monster, I was sexually frustrated and I didn’t even know that was why I was so short tempered. I thought I lost my sex drive but it was really because I didn’t want him to touch me and I felt isolated sexually in an unconscious way. I wouldn’t touch myself or feel any satisfaction in our relations. Eventually I went to the doctor for it since I never remembered my sex drive ever being that low. Yep it was my relationship and it had to end. Surprisingly it immediately came back with my next partner. Everything was working again, my temper was balanced, and didn’t feel on edge. So sex is super important, not having it can disrupt so many things of your life you never knew.

  2. It’s a generational and culture thing I’d think. With woman’s lib in America, it’s part of getting to know someone now and doesn’t hold the same value anymore. Depending on the value you hold on it, it’ll be something you wait for. Now it’s meeting the parents that’s a sign of intimacy and trust, and yeaaarrrsss ago you had to meet her parents FIRST before asking a girl out.

    Personally for me I want to see if we’re a good sexual match before I build up some romantic idea of a man. I usually wait for 3 dates and then I’m in there. Sometimes it’s sooner. I’d hate to develop feelings and then be extremely disappointed in the bedroom.

    I know not all Danish people will agree with me, but sex over there is often something you do first to decide if you want to date someone. In America the lines are kind of blurred. And based on my experience, having intimate sex is vastly different than casual sex, so for me intimacy isn’t a prelude to sex, but something I feel building the longer I’m dating someone, and more I have sex with them.

    If you’re more “traditional” or “reserved”, you’re just going to have a harder time finding someone, depending on your area’s demographics. If it’s a big urban city in a more liberal area, you’re going to have a harder time than a more conservative town with tradition values.

    Neither options are better than the other. It’s how you operate and feel safe and secure in a relationship.

  3. I’m not sure what your stand on sex is. I’m willing to wait a month or two, but I would never wait for a really long time. There are three reasons for this:

    * I don’t want to invest too much into a relationship just to figure out we’re not sexually compatible
    * It involves a lot of intimacy. I like intimacy, it’s a great bonding experience. And getting to know you intimately brings us back to point 1. I don’t want to invest so much time just to eventually realise there’s incompatibility on intimate level.
    * I love having sex.


    Now, there’s nothing wrong with unwillingness to have it in that timeframe, but I’m not willing to go that route.

  4. As a guy, I would love to meet a girl like you, I’ve waited for years, had opportunities, but haven’t found one like you yet (which is what I’m searching for)

    I guess we are unusual people, but there are definitely guys out there (at least one in Paris :P) who have the same view as you on sex so don’t get desperate! 🙂

  5. I’ve actually been in a situation like the one you described back in college… She ended up not bring very into sex. We ultimately weren’t very compatible but I don’t regret it. She was a cool person.

  6. Depends how important sexual chemistry is to you.

    If you start a relationship and the sexual chemistry is totally off….then what? What if the sex ruins a potentially good relationship at the beginning of the relationship?

    Sex is weird. It can keep you in bad relationships (because the sex is good) or keep you from being with somebody you think is perfect (the sex is bad). Chemistry is important.

    I prefer to have some sort of relations prior to a relationship, because I know there are some women I definitely dont have chemistry with. However, if she said she doesnt do that…and to me she was worth the risk and wait, then I’d do it and see what happens.

    It just depends on the person and the way you frame it. Just be clear and confident with what you want.

  7. For some people, it’s easier to have sex with someone and if it doesn’t work out, end the relationship versus becoming emotionally invested in someone and ending the relationship of the sex doesn’t work out.

    For me(M62) physical intimacy has a high cost on both the emotional and physical levels. If I have sex too soon, I fall for them when I shouldn’t and ignore the various red and yellow flags. If I get emotionally invested in them too soon, I ignore a different set of red and yellow flags.

  8. I prefer to wait a month or two for sex myself. Neither of my ex boyfriends had an issue with it. I would say it has been 50/50 in terms of whether a guy has ghosted me the first time we talk about this in terms of all of the guys I dated. Don’t give up hope

  9. Your question is asking two different questions. It is absolutely necessary for a healthy and strong relationship but it does not need to happen off the bat. However, it does weed out issues real quick. Could you imagine being with woman for a short bit then sleeping with her only to find out she sucks in bed or has preferences that make you uncomfortable like wanting to shit on your chest? It would be a let down.

  10. I am not a fan of STI’s.. so that’s the only reason I delay a fella. I have him and me get tested. It also helps me to know the true intentions of a fella and whether he is sleeping with others? Not my forte. If I have sex with a guy I just want it with him. And him not seeing others.

  11. I don’t think I’ve ever bailed on a girl who said “let’s wait to have sex” and in relationships where they said it, wound up having sex with someone else lol

  12. LOL. I’m M62, in a consensual non-monogamous relationship. We love each other, but we also have casual sex with other people. It works great for us.

    But I’m old enough to remember how horrified the local parents were when I was thirteen and a classmate got pregnant. It was hidden, she never came back to school, and a lot of the kids didn’t find out till years later. In other words I was brought up with some really toxic beliefs about men, women, and sex. It took a long time to get rid of them!

    Sex is a physical act. Love (aka intimacy) is mental. The two are different. At one point I thought they were the same thing, and I know a lot of people think they are the same thing. If you currently think they are the same, then avoid having sex unless you are super sure of the guy.

    I hope that makes sense. I’m having trouble sleeping, and popped on Reddit to look around, so I may not be all awake.

  13. Wait, you dodged a bullet and you are not happy about it? I know a guy who was a fuckboy, but he met a girl he really like and he told me he can wait as long as she wants because she’s perfect for him. See the point of story? If the person really likes you as a person, they don’t care how long they have to wait to have sex with you.

  14. > I(F23) have been trying to make relationship with guys but the moment they know my stand about sex they bail.

    Thats to be expected as sex is important. Not only for satisfying that natural urge but also because sexual compatibility is huge, no reason to wait 2-3 months to find out you arent compatible sexually.

    > I don’t want to give up yet because I believe there is someone out there for me.

    Hate to say it but « the one » doesnt exist. You are almost certainly saving yourself for no one. Im not saying go out and start having lots of sex, but theres nothing wrong with having sex when dating guys.

    > What can I do?

    Be upfront right away about how you feel about sex, like before the first date.

  15. It’s a lose lose for both sides. I think it is because if a guy doesn’t get sex it makes the guy wonder if the woman he’s dating is not attracted to him. So then he begins having doubts about the relationship and it’s potential. Meanwhile, then the woman wants the relationship from the guy, but if she doesn’t give the guy sex he gets suspicious if a long amount of time passes and nothing happens. Unfortunately, for women though they don’t have a way to always figure out if a guy is bsing about wanting a serious long term relationship and is just in it for a casual fling or if he’s serious about wanting a relationship long term. Another issue for both men/women is time. If it takes months before you two have sex to find out if you’re sexually compatible and it doesn’t work out then that’s a lot of time that’s gone.

    You can get money back, but you can’t get time back and time is the most valuable resource out there. So a lot of people don’t want to potentially waste what could be several weeks or multiple months waiting to find out if something will have the potential to lead somewhere. Ultimately though, both groups lose because of the various problems mentioned above.

  16. What do you mean, you don’t want to give up yet ? Do you mean your virginity ? Or are you just not comfortable with that aspect of yourself yet ?

    Either way, look, it’s fine. Some people take time. My ex-Gf did not get sexually involved with me for nearly 3 years after we started dating. And that was ok with me, cause i loved her a lot and understood that she wasn’t comfortable with that aspect of the relationship. The most sexual thing between us was kissing and maybe fondling. But gradually she felt comfortable and the relationship grew sexually too… It’s left to you… You don’t have to rush if you don’t feel comfortable. I feel, if the guys are bailing, it’s a good thing.. you aren’t wasting your time with the wrong person, they know where they stand and you know where you do.

    At the same time, i also wanna tell you that not everyone looks at sex the same way. For some people, yes, it’s a carnal instinct thanks to this modern day tinder verse, where casual sex is just about sex and not about intimacy and developing a relationship. Maybe you ran into these kind of guys.
    Sex makes you feel very vulnerable at times, and only with time and being comfortable with yourself can you get there, and not by waiting for the ‘Right Guy’. And honestly, telling someone that you are waiting for the right guy, which obviously isn’t them, seems a lil offensive, no ?
    So work towards making yourself feel more comfortable in a relationship…

  17. you can get such a relationship. Just find the right people who are also in agreement with you on this.

    for all the stories you hear about people having sex in the first couple of dates/weeks, you also hear stories about people not having sex for months or years after dating together.

    you just need to find the group of people who are in the latter.

  18. Because sex is a crucial part of compatibility. Hiding sex from the “qualification” process is as equivalent of holding back your personality when getting to know you.

    You making it clear you’re holding something back, does not show confidence, trust in yourself or instincts, or a willingness to share, none of which is interesting to someone investing their time and energy in getting to know you and whether there’s something there.

    That doesn’t mean you have to put it out there on the first night, but don’t have a “stance”. Become open to the idea of things happening at whatever pace they do, and when things escalate and you don’t feel comfortable then that’s when you tell them you’re not ready yet. But let it naturally get close before you dismiss it. Not in advance.

  19. I get so bored when men tell me how hot I am. They just get hyper focused on that rather than trying to have a real conversation with me.

  20. It has become the norm to have sex very early in a relationship, before getting to know them well (or at all). Because so many people are this way, if you wish to delay sex even just a week or so, then many people will simply drop the relationship. They will assume you are asexual or have a very low libido or are someone to avoid if they don’t want a Dead Bedroom relationship. Or they will assume you are traditional in every way, rather than just this one.

    Furthermore, many guys think that if they don’t go for sex very early, that the girl will friendzone them or worse, regard them as unmasculine. So even guys who really don’t want sex early feel they have to push for it so as to not get quickly dumped.

  21. Literally just made my own post about this. I don’t suppose you live near Massachusetts? Anyway I think that opinion is a dying one but it doesn’t make it any less important to people like me or you. Hold on to your morals don’t do anything you are not comfortable with.

  22. « Why is emotional investment so important in a relationship? Why can’t one get a relationship that doesn’t involve emotions immediately and wait until later? »

    When you show guys that you don’t know why and how sex is important, you are demonstrating that you are a low value partner. Sex is one of the best tools for emotional exchange (if not the best). It is a crucial aspect of relationships of any length, and thinking that you can just blatantly not address it means that you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you’re even near ready to be in a relationship.

    You’re hurting yourself by putting a set time limit on it, because that does nothing to filter out undesirable candidates. People leave anywhere from one day to half a century, you do not have any control over that and thinking you do is dangerous. The divorce rate has been 50%: the most super duper serious pinky promise between the most matured form of human has the same success as a coin flip. Instead, the solution is to improve your mate selection skills.

    Like, what would you do if you found out some guy wants to do something that you are uncomfortable with, like putting your finger in his butthole or whatever? Sexual compatibility is just as important as any other aspect of compatibility.

  23. I don’t mind waiting a little – maybe 3 dates – and prefer not to sleep on the first one – but I will say sex is important and I’d want to know how much we’re compatible before investing a whole lot of time. Like it or not, we usually are the providers; that means we work, pay for your meals, plan out the dates, etcetera. Women, on the other hand, typically prefer a more passive role in which they receive. This means something should be offered in trade. We appreciate your company, we like you or wouldn’t be around you (unless we just want sex), but unless you’re paying for your meals, ***super*** attractive, a stunning conversationalist, or just really really our type – we have no reason to do these things for you.

    Intimacy is important, intercourse or not. I mean honestly some of you women expect to be pampered just for showing up! And that’s whatever – family roles, societal standards, cultural norms… but personally I’m not interested in dating for nothing. If you’re not doing ***something*** that adds value to my life, there’s no reason to be around you. And if we’re not having sex, we’d be better off as friends. We can do the rest of the things, and you can pay for your cheeseburger.

  24. Sex is great, whats not to like about it? It triggers positive homornes in our brain.

    Sexual compatability is huge in a relationship. Good Sex can save a relationship, bad sex can ruin a relationship. That has nothing to do with being overly horny or sex-centered. Its simply the way we are biologically wired.

  25. > Why is it so important to get sexually involved on the go?

    That’s kind of the whole point of relationships nowadays. If it ain’t happening, then why bother staying? That and guys are always horny lol.

    > What can I do?

    You could give in but yeah, you won’t so wait like a date or 2 before you do.

  26. You need sex in a realtionship. The bible even says sex is very important. It’s says couple should NOT lack sexual intercorse. So there ya go

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