Dating : Why pursue someone who has flat out told you they are not interested?
This is a serious question, I’m trying to understand the logic here. I started talking to a guy, we talked for about a month, and a slew of red flags started to surface. Not wanting to get myself into a bad situation, I told him I didn’t see it working out between us. He asked if we could be friends at least, fine whatever. He started to get so weird and clingy that I had to tell him I didn’t think it was a good idea that we attempt a friendship. I didn’t want to ghost, because I have been and it’s awful. He is still, after both of those exchanges, blowing up my phone constantly. I finally had to block him from all social media and through my cell phone provider. Why isn’t me being up front, clear and honest enough for him to back off? At this point, I’m not only embarrassed for him, but I’m getting angry. I just don’t understand what the fuck is wrong with some people. If I get even an inkling that someone is becoming distant, I leave them the fuck alone. Am I alone in this?
Sunk cost fallacy.
Imagine buying a pair of shoes and it doesn’t really fit all that well so you can’t sell it back, so instead of throwing it in the trash , you decide to wear it some more despite you already knowing using it will be uncomfortable.
He sounds like he’s an Anxious attachment type, and his reactions have been triggered. A lot of this stuff is biologically hard-wired, so whilst I’m not excusing his behaviour I’m saying it might not be as easily switched off as it would be if he were Secure or Avoidant. Anxious types have a really, really hard time letting things go. Once a reaction is triggered, the parts of the brain responsible for moderating emotion is suppressed, and the only thing that calms this reaction is reestablishing contact with the other person. Or time and a whole lot of therapy!
It is likely that you fall into the Avoidant or Secure type.. so it is easy for you to back off when you feel that distance in the other person.
Most people have no concept of these traits in themselves, or in others.. but information is readily available if you search for it.
Again, I’m not excusing his behaviour. You have the right to remove yourself from the situation, and be clear with your boundaries. He needs to respect that. I guess, these days I understand that everyone is wired differently. Mostly we all just want connection, but are conditioned by childhood trauma or any other mixture of factors beyond our control, so I try to view people with compassion and empathy wherever possible.
A serious answer…if you are not interested you should have stopped talking to him long ago. Ghosting sucks, but it’s a tall tale sign that it’s time to move on.
Speaking as a guy who literally went through this not too long ago, he probably can’t handle rejection well and has attachment issues. I was hooking up with a girl for a couple months and she eventually wanted to start dating which was my goal from the beginning. Then she broke it off after two weeks saying I was more invested than she was and was also smothering her. I felt devastated but understood that there really wasn’t much I can do to change how she felt. Afterwards, I tried to treat her how I did before we were hooking up thinking we were fine because I asked if we could remain friends and she wanted to. I guess I annoyed her too much because she went off on me about random things that contributing to her terminating the relationship and then ended with needing space.
It’s been a month since that and I am finally seeing how obsessed I was and not thinking logically at all when it came to her. Like just the other day I was able to come around after no contact for a month and I honestly can’t believe how shitty I acted towards her when she ended it. If I was her I wouldn’t even think about reaching out to me so I don’t really expect it. Love/infatuation of someone will lead one to do ridiculous things especially if they have some sort of attachment issue as I do. Maybe he is a little similar.
Ghosting without any due notice = Bad
Ghosting after not taking a hint = Perfectly fine
Some guys can’t take a hint. If someone tells me they aren’t interested, I move on. The first time I got ghosted was rough, and I was a little obsessive, but eventually I got over it and it helped me grow (it also taught me the meaning of infatuation). These people can get irritating – I know I was – but this girl *also* could have told me before talking for 2 weeks straight (seamlessly) and bailing after our first date. I wasn’t even mad, I just wanted answers!
That was at 23, my first time online dating. Now I’m 31 and couldn’t give af less if someone ghosts me. It’s rude and inconsiderate, but whatever – it tells me they’re a weak person and it was their loss. Some people are WTF worthy – some just inexperienced. You did the right thing telling him. It’s his job to manage his emotions
Some people suck. Some people really suck. Not all people suck. Sorry you had to deal with a sucky person.
NO MEANS NO
movies
Ive posted about this before…. i have no idea why women think a guy wanting to be a friend means « being » a friend, everyone knows hes doing that to get with you.
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If he approached as dating and you didnt like then no more contact. Women do this with guys so i have no idea why its difficult to understand.
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If a guy doesn’t say he wants to date, then tells you 6 months later you have no issue with canning the contact as « you dont want to date », why is it so hard to do in reverse?
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It’s because he is probably desperate. Online dating really never works, and many times it seems the person cannot find a person to date in real life. So they try and cling onto you, or whoever to manipulate them. It’s great you blocked this person, I’m happy for you.
He might be a stalker type