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Dating : women and mental health and crazy (and dating)

Dating : women and mental health and crazy (and dating)


[Disclaimer: I’m ranting here because it’s a safe space to do so. I’ve had plenty of wonderful experiences with women, and hope to continue to, so this is not a place for misogyny.]

Recently I’ve been trying to make more of an effort at dating. And, with a bit of work, I’ve been able to go out with a number of attractive, educated, successful women. Great. However, I’ve noticed more and more that a disturbingly large number of women I encounter come with serious mental health issues. (Maybe this is true for men, too; I only date women.)

To be clear, I don’t think a mental health issue is necessarily a disqualifier. I’ve been depressed in my life. I’ve suffered from anxiety. I’ve taken medication, I’ve gotten therapy, to make my way through the gut punches that life sometimes hands you, like a breakup or the loss of a job or the death of a friend. But that’s the point: I’ve managed it. When I didn’t think I could, I didn’t date.

Lately I’ve been feeling like nearly everyone I’m meeting is in some serious way disturbed and/or disconnected from reality. Like, crazy– and, not fun crazy. And what’s worse is, sometimes the crazy is promoted like it is some form of feminist liberation. Then I start to wonder… do women even know this is crazy?

Like Ann (not her real name), who on our second date spent TWO HOURS showing me her wedding pictures. (You know, when people hire a professional photographer and they take obviously staged photographs in any number of exotic locations– laughing in an empty castle, frolicking in the surf in a wedding dress…) I’m not particularly sensitive about someone having been married, but I don’t necessarily want to be treated to a slide show of every photo with your ex. Also, the commentary. Every picture: « Don’t I look amazing? I really like that one. » (Um… sure, you look amazing.) Alongside the slide show, I was treated to a blow-by-blow of every bad, terrible thing he did, and how men in general are just terrible. I tried to laugh, be polite, and suggest that it’s probably not all men, right? (No. It’s all men.) Finally I said, « Hey, as someone who has been through something like this, can I offer some advice? » No joke, she said: « No, I don’t need your advice. I’m doing fine. I just want someone who will listen. » Finally I got up to leave. « What, you’re going? » Yes, gee, look at the time. « But… come back, maybe I’ll sleep with you! » No, she didn’t say that, but she seemed honestly shocked that I was leaving. She started dropping flirty comments and throwing her boobs around. I was just like, wow… you think so little of me.

Then there was Stacey (not her real name), who on our FIRST date told me 1) she was on five different kinds of medication, and 2) she was living with her sister because she couldn’t hack it on her own. Believe it or not, I was touched that she would confide those things in me. I had to take a few deep breaths, but I appreciated the honesty. We had dinner, which involved an intricate dance with the waiter over forbidden ingredients like cucumbers. Then we went back to my place and we had some wine. Had I washed the wine glasses? Well, sure… they’re in the cabinet. But we washed the wine glasses… « just to be sure. » Then we started kissing and she asked if I could brush my teeth. Ooof, wow, OK. I’m pretty sure I don’t have bad breath, but… sure, we’re kissing, why not? So I did. Then she asked if I had changed the sheets recently. I had, actually. Then it was another thing. Yes, I know: OCD. But she didn’t seem to be aware that her obsessive distractions were in any way strange or killing the mood. (She even chided me about hand-washing my dishes.) How many crazy nitpicky things does it take to kill my libido? Five, apparently. I sent her home.

Then my favorite (not): the elaborate American justification for why you’re fat. I’m attracted to a wide variety of body types; the most important thing to me is that you take care of yourself. I’ve dated all types. But somewhere along the way of challenging the obsession with youth and rail-thin models, somehow this crazy-ass meme got started that there is no level of fat that is unattractive or unhealthy or unreasonable. Sorry, hello, what? No. If you’re curvy, maybe it’s genetics. I like a curvy woman. If you’re **obese**, which is measurable and a medically-defined term, it’s because you have a problem with self-regulation– which is a *mental health issue*. It’s not the patriarchy and it’s not magazines and it’s not society: it’s you, being unwilling or unable to tell yourself « no ». It’s you, using food as a drug. It’s not that different from a drinking problem, and it is NOT sexy. I was dating a girl for a while who would eat entire pints of ice cream out of my freezer in the middle of the night and then hide the evidence. I would try to talk to her about it, and she would get defensive and angry. She would blame me for having delicious things about the house. I ended up having to hide all my cookies. That’s crazy.

And then there was the girl who was convinced there were secret microscopic pathogens coming in through the air conditioner, making her sick, so refused to use air conditioning (but would leave her windows open). The girl who completely stood me up and then reappeared and batted her eyes and seemed genuinely surprised and hurt when I told her to get lost. The girl who believes in healing vibrations and crystals and chemtrails, but definitely *not* vaccines. (Really, chemtrails?) Crazy. But apparently all the crazy is basically OK if you have a vagina?… because, I guarantee you, all these women felt entitled to my attention and sympathetic understanding, on the premise that I might (oh!) get laid.

And then you meet somebody who is actually fucking sane. And it is SO REFRESHING. I went out with this girl for dinner the other night, completely spontaneous, and I asked her about her dietary restrictions. What do you mean?, she asked innocently. (She wasn’t American.) « I mean, what can’t you eat, what are you allergic to, are you vegan…? » I like everything, she said– like this was a very strange conversation (which upon reflection, it was). *Everything?* I asked. Sure, she said. « I mean, maybe I’ll try something and I won’t like it, but I want to try it. Order whatever. » I was floored. I realized I hadn’t actually gone out with someone who eats… whatever. (I know, I know. It’s fine if you’re vegetarian or vegan or if you have an actual honest-to-god allergy. What’s crazy is the prissiness and the proliferation of biologically-unlikely food intolerances which seem to be an expression of purity and not science. Do what works for you, obviously.)

What can I say… it’s a tough world out there. From what I’ve heard from women, there are a lot of angry, insensitive, fetishistic, sociopathic men out there in the dating pool… so don’t take this as a « men are better than women » thing. I just don’t think most women KNOW the level of crazy men encounter… any more than ordinary men know about the psychopaths.

Read also  Dating : Met a girl

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  1. As someone (a girl) who’s dated both, I can seriously relate with this. Girls are freaking crazy.

    I’ve observed that girls are more obviously crazy – they’re less shy about being insane, which I kind of respect in a crazy way. Guys you have to be a little more intuitive, but there’s still lots of crazy dudes.

    Also I find that with crazy girls I’m like « damn that chick was psycho » but with crazy dudes I’m more often scared of them. A crazy girl talks about her ex for 2 hours and yells at the wait staff. After you laugh about it. A crazy dude makes aggressive eye contact and talks about how many guns he has. After you speed-walk to your car with you keys in your fist…

    But really good points and also kind of enjoyed reading about your crazy dates. Girls (that I’ve dated and that I’ve been friends with) have always shocked me with their ability to be totally insane and have no idea about it… Makes me wonder if I’m giving off crazy that I don’t even know about haha…

  2. I actually appreciate this. It’s good to know it is not a gender problem…..But a problem for both men and women. Although, it does suck that you had so many bad dates. Maybe you could write a book? Anyway, I can relate…..Except for the wedding pictures scenario…..That is seriously out there…..

  3. Wow your post actually made me feel better about myself. I am currently trying the dating scene after not dating for years. I suffer from bipolar 1 disorder rapid cycling and was diagnosed at a young age. That being said I have never stopped medication or therapy. After reading your post I am shocked that I seem more normal than crazy in this post comparison. Yes, I do become depressed and yes mania is there. I try to avoid showing those sides, but I know my partner will see it eventually so I am one to explain things with them down the road. Am I doing it wrong by not explaining my whole life in the first date?

  4. So many attractive people are very depressed. I don’t know why but I see them everyday on anti-depression medications. They smile in front of you and you can never tell how they really feel inside.

  5. As a woman, I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your experiences. You definitely have a way with words! Not to hate on my sisterhood, but yeah, I know more crazy women than crazy men. Not to say some men don’t have a different kind of crazy but sometimes it’s not as obvious from the get go. Anyway, are you still seeing the no food allergy girl?

  6. First of all, you basically just admitted to confirmation bias.

    Second, a lot of people who are still single are just insanely picky and so happy with their own lives that its going to take A LOT for a guy to be good enough for her to give up being single. That’s not a mental health issue.

    A lot of men also think « women are crazy » and that’s a huge red flag.

    I’ve had several men (but not majority) call me crazy and then run around telling people this, just because they didn’t believe TRUTHFUL things I told them about myself. I’m a PA which is very similar to a family practice physician, making 170k a year working 3 days a week (12 hour shifts) and had one guy straight up accuse me of being a liar. When I asked him to justify this he said « if you were really making that much then you’d live in a bigger house and you’d drive a nice car! » My house was inherited and my car is a really basic one that is about 10 years old and not luxury at all.

    A lot of people have ideas about how they think women should act, and if the woman doesn’t line up with that, then he calls her crazy. I get it sometimes from guys because they don’t believe a woman can be super fit, attractive and girly, and also very successful financially and education-wise.

  7. I think in this day and age, if you’re a woman and you don’t have some sort of health issue you’re taking the risk of not standing in the crowd by…well, trying to fit the « norm ». Shit happened to me too, I live in France (but oddly enough I’m way more successful with expats, british and americans for some reason) and most of my dates had this same fucking list of weird things that were at beast laughable and at worst (in majority) downright frightening.

    The reality is that most of them will never reach a level of maturity necessary to date in a sane and enjoyable way and fulfill themselves in a meaningful long term relationship.

    I’m guessing the same applies to a lot of men too, thing is, I don’t date men, so how would I know (saying this for the little twerps ready to downvote me to oblivion).

  8. As someone with a severe nut allergy, I still 100% agree with this! I’ll still go to most restaurants and try all sorts of different foods as long as I know the restaurant is careful about it, which most are. I’m not gonna sit and make someone else’s life miserable because of a medical condition I can’t control. People who seriously inflate their medical issues and flaunt them around can go suck it. People who also say they’re gonna die and are allergic to something if they eat it when they just have a slight intolerance also piss me off to no end. Like bro, I’d actually die, stop trying to be special

  9. i’m not gonna lie, this entire post makes you sound a little crazy and unhinged yourself. i would not want to go on a date with you after reading this. btw, the only men who say the girls they date are ‘crazy’ are gaslighters and manipulators.

  10. 70% of the examples given here are not « mental health issues » they were just women whose personalities you didn’t care for. Try vetting people a little better instead of trying to go out « with a number of attractive, educated, successful women ». You sound kind of douchey.

  11. I apparently end up getting dates with sociopaths. One was literally get drinks and food, they’re an absolute dream of a date, feels like we’re making a connection and he’s suggesting places for second dates etc. Then they invite me to their place for a drink and they completely shift to trying to get me to take my clothes off, told them « no » and jokingly said they weren’t getting into my pants. They still tried a few times asking me to take my clothes off and didn’t understand why I was getting uncomfortable and lied through their teeth telling me they weren’t trying to sleep with me. I finally just grabbed my purse and walked out without another word. They didn’t text me to say anything else or apologize….shocker (not that I’d be stupid enough to actually text them back or accept a apology)

  12. Ok people let’s just get this straight. Fearing that something isn’t clean or fearing germs isn’t OCD. OCD is obsessive thoughts which cause compulsive behaviors (they can even have only one or the other). Obsessive thoughts such as constantly thinking “did I turn the stove off, the house will burn down”. Followed by obsessive behaviors such as driving home 10 times to check and make sure the stove is indeed off. That is all.

  13. I think it’s funny all the mentioning of how apparently crazy doesn’t come out as obviously in men, and yet as a man, my last ex was covertly narcissistic. It didn’t really rear it’s ugly head until shit was going south in my life and basically the relationship didn’t serve *her* anymore. Cause you know, that’s what narcs are like, the show is all about them.

    Just saying, it’s not *always* so obvious with women either. It’s just that some women are extremely, outwardly crazy and you see it quick.

  14. Hey man. You’re not wrong. You seem smart and aware. But I’m sure you’re crazy in some way, too, yeah? I’m sure you would admit you have some flaws, right? And while I agree that these women were more flawed than you’d (or most) would probably like, who are you to judge? You’re just a flawed human, too. Just hope you know/acknowledge/understand that. Good luck

  15. It’s from not believing in Jesus Christ. Mental illness is from not believing in TRUTH. That makes you delusional. It makes you believe lies. Why do you think men have to tell women « what they want to hear »? They believe the lies. They don’t believe in TRUTH.

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