Dating : Work on your insecurities before you get into a relationship. And on the flipside, don’t date someone who is very insecure
I’ve noticed that my boyfriend always has a bad depression day whenever I so much as mention talking to someone else. I was texting my friend yesterday about *his upcoming wedding to another woman* and when I mentioned it to my bf he waited 10 minutes and then told me he was depressed. I also caught him going through my phone after I told him excitedly about one of my coworkers (who is a friend so I was happy for him) *getting engaged to his girlfriend of 7 years,* because he was concerned something was going on between us. We spend 24/7 together even NOT during quarantine, there is literally nothing more I can do to make him trust me.
Other things he’s done include deliberately asking questions or starting a story if I so much as start typing on my phone to keep my attention on him (he’s admitted that he does this). I have other friends outside of him and it really sucks that I can’t interact with them without it mentally affecting him. I can’t even count the nights where I’ve sat in a dark room with him being quiet because he’s depressed and « can’t » move or speak. It’s always on days when I’m happy too. If my depression is acting up, there never seem to be any issues on his side. I can’t tell if it’s manipulation, but something in the back of my head thinks it could be partially intentional on his side.
I was so head over heels in love for the first year and a half, but honestly his lack of trust just triggered my past trauma responses and I don’t think I am capable of trusting him anymore. Even if he’s better I’m struggling to move past it. Don’t get into a relationship when you have deep insecurities. It will destroy your relationship.
Try to look at your post/comments like your best friend posted it. It seems like you know exactly what you need to do but you’re allowing him to control the relationship.
I know break ups are never fun or easy but you will feel so relieved once you’re out. This relationship sounds like a lot more work than necessary
This honestly sounds like abuse to me. He only gets depressed when you’re happy? It sounds like he’s doing this on purpose as a form of control, and to break you down. Eventually, the only way you will be able to « make him happy », is for you to be miserable. Honestly, cut your losses before you lose your sanity
thats depressing, im sorry to hear that. i think you need to open up and talk about it some tbh, a lack of trust is a lack of foundation in a relationship. how can you be with someone who doesnt trust you?
I can testify for that I see no lies here
That’s not depression. That’s definitely manipulation, insecurity, jealousy, and controlling behaviors. All of which are huge red flags.
I’ve read through much of your comments and you sound really, really enmeshed with him. If you haven’t heard that term before, it’s not good. People are giving you really sound advice but you are still stuck over-analyzing him and « should I stay or go? » I’ve been married almost 20 years and most of those years were terrible and I wrote to forums and got great advice, most of it was to leave him. I never did. My husband has, in the past, done manipulative things like getting upset and not talking until, of course, I was about to asleep. He’d ask me questions or suddenly have a story to tell me if my attention was elsewhere or I needed to get off the phone. I could regale you with stories of how desperately clingy he was when we dated. Yet, I married him. BUT, I realized several years ago that he’s likely high-functioning Asperger’s and emotionally immature. That changed everything for me. I changed the way I reacted to him and got a lot of good therapy. My changing forced him to change. I no longer participate in his behavior and he’s grown up a lot. We still have some issues but I love him.
My advice to you is that he must seek therapy or you leave. Period.
Why are you still with this guy? He sounds like a loser.
Why are you still in this? He’s using his “depression” to manipulate and control you.
Please dump this motherfucker already – DTMFA!
Find you a boyfriend who cheers your friendships, encourages your friendships, welcomes you having a rich and varied life with tons of friends. That’s how healthy relationships work. Not this stinking pile of insecurities.
Also, for the love of all that’s holy, lock your phone the second it leaves your hand. Don’t leave you’d unlocked phone around anyone.
You need to take your own advice and break up.
People with deep insecurities are far more driven to get into a relationship, especially bad ones, and stay in them on matter what, than those of us who aren’t insecure.
My boyfriend is the same way. Anytime that I mention talking to another friend or been family member like my brother. He tells me that he’s depressed. When I have plans (which I have to make in advance and tell him) around the time it’s time for me to go attend then he tells me he’s thinking of hurting himself or worse. After a while I started realizing he was manipulating me I noticed I was never allowed to hang out with friends or family he isolated me. Despite living together and having dates planned every other day he convinced me that I never gave him enough time. Whenever I would try to respond to a text something as simple as my birthday when friends and family where sending birthday wishes he got all quiet the whole day and said that all I ever do is sit on my phone that I never pay attention to him. Mean while whenever we cuddle or have dinner we have a rule about no phones however he will eat dinner while watching YouTube or scrolling through TikTok. Or when we are cuddling as our set time alone together he will be get again on his phone. I know I should leave but I have no one who can help me.
That seems like way more than mere insecurity, he’s using his insecurity as an excuse to be possessive and controlling.
There are plenty of people with massive insecurities who don’t let it all fall on the people closest to them. This isn’t someone who’s just sad sometimes, he doesn’t even let you use your phone because he’s so much of a toddler he can’t go without attention.
I know people with massive insecurities, I’d probably fall into that category myself. But the way he constantly desires attention while giving nothing in return transcends mere insecurity, this dude needs extensive psychological help and to get over his dependency. Also dumping his ass would be good for both of you.
I’ll say something silly. He probably loves you too much. Lol – I don’t full-heartedly believe that.
He’s either a control freak, where he’s probably the physically or mentally abusive type (so you should beware). Or he ended up becoming too dependent on you from being together so much that he needs exactly that level of attention you’ve given him.
Depression has nothing to do with controlling your spouse or being jealous, that’s a control behavior issue on it’s own and it’s no excuse to behave like he does just because he is suffering from depression.
I’ve been your boyfriend. I’ll say this, I had suspicions of my ex emotionally cheating and even though I knew I was being irrational I couldn’t help feeling that way. People typically cannot hide what they feel and show it with their actions and words. Turns out I was right the whole time about her.
It seems like this isn’t the case with you but, your bf may have been burn really hard in the past. If it’s not something you can deal with/talk with him about it to improve it. You might have to rethink the relationship.
I think a lot of people don’t understand a mans biggest fear in a relationship is been left, due to most of the time being replaceable. Why is that? Because that’s what we learned. Every girl I’ve dating has left me for another dude and then when the realized how stupid that was they come crawling back.
I’m not saying every woman is like this, but best believe it’s in the back of my head that she could bounce at any moment. So now I don’t even stress about it I just enjoy the time I’m with them, and if they gotta dip it is what it is.
go with him to a therapist. it will help
I agreed whole heartedly!! Lost my future fiancé because of my terrible ugly insecurities.. (They were super bad) I’ve gotten better with my low self esteem and our break up was over a year ago but I do still hate that guy I was back then. The plus side is that I’ve grown a whole lot and doing better
For a while, with my ex, I was like this. I was insecure and the people around me were giving me ideas and concerns that weren’t really applicable. To everyone else’s point, everyone has, had, and always will have some insecurities but the important point is in how those are dealt with, expressed, and managed.
What honestly solved the situation for me, was just realizing that no matter what level of control I had over a situation, no matter how careful or open she and I were, if she wanted to cheat she was going to do that. Nothing I could or should do would stop that, so I realized I couldn’t stress about it or let it bother me. I realized that often, trust is a choice and I made that choice.
I obviously know nothing about your boyfriend, but I know what *I* was thinking and feeling in his sort of situation. I legitimately felt the things I purported to feel, the depression and jealousy were real but I knew I shouldn’t be feeling them, I just didn’t know how to make it stop. Even after solving the problem, I would still get those feelings sometimes, but I made the active choice to push through them and trust her.
Regardless, you aren’t obligated to stay with him, or keep loving him, or try to fix him. It may be worth it to have another, final, discussion with him about this problem and how to put it to rest for good. Your feelings are no less valid or real than his. I wish you both luck, whatever that may mean for each of you.
He’s controlling and manipulative. The silent treatments, investigative questions, suspicion, invasion of privacy and 24/7 together suggests an unhealthy relationship dynamic which includes codependency, emotional abuse, low self esteem and narcissistic traits.
You need to leave him or you’re the one who is going to end up in years of therapy, unpacking the damage the relationship did to you. You are the one who will end up with crippling depression.
Sometimes people’s issues are more that we are capable of fixing and we need to draw boundaries to protect ourselves or their issues end up becoming our own.
You need to look out for yourself and this includes leaving this toxic relationship.
Yeah, depression isn’t a flip quite like that. Anxiety attacks maybe, sure. He really just sounds manipulative and quite frankly, annoying to be around. I mean, if you get triggered by hearing about another guy’s wedding that your gf tell you about… woof.
There is a difference between toxicity and insecurity. An insecurity becomes toxic in a relationship when your partner starts to mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually abuse you.
Insecurities make us human, toxic behaviors attempt to dehumanize others.
His insecurity seems to be « I’m not good enough for her » which is a common insecurity, usually paired with paranoia that their partner will cheat or pick someone else. This insecurity doesn’t make anyone a terrible person. It is just a fear, and fear is an emotion felt inwardly. Your boyfriend can choose whether he wants to share that fear, and how he chooses to share it. However, your boyfriend gets upset *when you speak to literally any other person but him*. That is toxic, manipulative, selfish behavior on his part. I hate to tell you but that is a warning sign of an abusive boyfriend. Manipulators will sometimes try to isolate you before they break you down. Your boyfriend is totally disregarding your autonomy, privacy and boundaries.
100% agree with you! My ex girlfriend and I broke up two months ago, as she was insecure on sharing her feelings during our 8 month relationship. She was also emotionally immature. My regret was not breaking up earlier. People don’t realize that your insecurities can affect your children in the future, which can create weak bonds in the family. Worse part was that it was her 2nd breakup within a two year span. It boggles my mind why she was on dating sites if she knew she had issues she needs to resolve. I recommend the book Adult Children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson. It helps narrow down what to look out for when dealing with an emotionally immature adult.
I think you should really look into codependency. I was once in a relationship like you which was codependent (although minus the jealousy). We were always together, every hobby I liked he started doing too. We were best friends, and in some ways that was amazing. But when we broke up he basically had moved in on all my life, hobbies and friendships so I had very little for myself. I also realised that he was never my friend. He was just codependent. We didn’t have as much in common as I thought, he just didn’t have enough identity and was absorbing who I was, and changed to be like his new friends after we broke up. So in the end all that time and energy was literally wasted, when I could have easily had a relationship while also building up my own life.
On another note, yes your boyfriend is doing this deliberately and is manipulating you. He may not be doing it in a planned way, but it may be something he’s learned to do. But he needs to learn that his depression isn’t the responsibility of those around him. He’s isolating you from friends, he’s even invading your privacy by reading your messages. Having depression isn’t a free pass to be a douche.
FACTS
I totally agree with you because I’ve had the same problems in past interactions with women dating/relationships. The only difference is they did things that made me not trust them. I did have some worrying thoughts and i was sensitive. I’ve definitely taken the time to not date and I’ve gotten better at controlling those feelings.
I want to be the best version of myself before considering a relationship. Right now, i feel mentally I’m almost at that point. Perhaps your boyfriend got cheated on and hasn’t properly healed from that experience or maybe it’s a childhood trauma experience with his mom.
Either way, this isn’t the relationship for you and there’s nothing you can do to fully help him. He needs to go to therapy and he needs to put the work in to heal those emotional wounds and become the best version of himself. I’m sorry things had to be like this but i feel it’s best to walk away before it ruins you emotionally.
I agree 100%….yet, society would go through a total meltdown if this really happened.
Think of how many people marry for money…marry to spite their parents…date someone their friends said was a bad choice. So many people think relationships will fix their lives, or flat out date as a way to unload their burden on someone else.
Again I totally agree with you, but take inventory of the world and easily 50% of the relationships you see would vanish if this happened.
I’m not here to give advice, but recount my(M24) story, which is pretty similar.
At first it looked great, we had an awesome first date, I soon asked her on the second and after a month we’ve been official. She always wanted big groups of friends, but didn’t have luck at uni, so I tried to include her in my activities. She came along, but I always had to restrain myself from being too social, especially with other women, because I didn’t want a fight.
We went on a trip for a few days with a few of my friends and people I didn’t know and I barely socialized and basically ignored my best friend(F). We still fought every day and I didn’t want to take her on the next trip, which to my surprise resulted in another fight.
When I was meeting up with my friends and coudln’t text her, she was very passive aggressive and I often felt bad and started to leave ealier than I usually would. I tried talking about it, but she tried to convince me she wasn’t passive aggressive. She would use smileys for everything, except for when she was wishing me fun.
When I visited my parents in another town and wanted to meet up with my best friend, we almost always had a fight. I started unconciously visiting my parents less and less, but I was convinced it was because of the stress with uni. Now I believe I disliked the stress of being away from her.
In the end I felt shitty a lot in the relationship and it was only good, as long as I didn’t have other friends around. My view of relationships is fucked and I’m really afraid of going into another relationship, because I honestly believe I will be trapped again and will have to hurt someone again, just to be myself.
If you want to exchange stories OP, feel free to dm me. I don’t want to be too personal here ^^
Thats very manipulative behavior. Honestly, it is not worth your own sanity to stay there cause it is just gonna drive you down.
And here i thought i was insecure
Exactly, not just from partners either. I have a depressed mom and she literally doesn’t do anything to make it better, and seems to enjoy people feeling sorry for her. Point is, ghost these people. They have no self esteem and will only take yours if you let them.
He’s emotionally manipulative and that’s not okay for you to have to be his only source of security. Look up codependent relationships