Dating : I need help…
Maybe a hug too, idk.
(M30) I’ve been on dating apps for a while now and I can’t seem to get a reply let alone a date. I exercise, I’ve gone from 250 to 177 and I think I’m decent looking. I try to be respectful and funny in most messages I send and I never get anything replies and it’s really affecting my mental health because now I’m starting to think I have no value…in 6 months I’ve only gotten two replies and in two years I’ve only been on one date…
Some dating apps are better than others but they suck in general, especially for mental health, so know you’re not alone there. You’d probably do much better in person.
Also, MY MAN, congrats on that weight loss! That’s hard work right there, you’re already a high value person for putting in the work that many don’t.
What app(s) are you using? My luck was literally about five times better with Hinge than Bumble, even though my photos were identical and my profile was basically the same. Not sure why, but different apps draw different crowds and reward different things. Depends on your city, too.
The old rule of thumb I learned was “get them off the app in 10 messages or less.” Talk just enough to get them hooked then get their number. Then when you get their number use it to set up a date. Also check your pics make sure you have good ones otherwise you’re not getting anything.
I’d also switch up what dating apps you’re using. OKC is now loaded with green card hunters and POF is kind of a dump. Bumble is usually the go-to for good dates because hinge has a problem with banning people arbitrarily and tinder is filled with trashy people so that’s a nonstarter if you’re looking to go serious.
chat with girls inperson
activities, events
I’d try a few different apps. See if any one audience works better for you.
Meeting and Talking to people is like any other skill, and skills require practice.
Practice, practice, practice.
Go to bars and talk to people. Go to the mall and talk to people. Go to the park and talk to people.
Talk to people, talk to people, talk to people. Just talk to people for the sake of honing that skill and getting better at it.
And then one day, you’ll just randomly be talking to someone and a great opportunity will fall into your lap. And who knows, that opportunity might end up being the greatest love of your life.
Putting yourself out there and talking to people is more than half the battle I think. Dating apps are not a good representation of what’s actually out there.
Just my $0.02
What you think (what kinda values) you should have to be successful at dating?
Predicating your value on what someone else feels about you is quite the hefty responsibility you are giving to people you have never met.
Online dating is a waste of time
Internet dating definitely has a dark side to it just as social media does as well, we have to think as humans what seems to be the desired outcome of all of this fear self-doubt and anxiety? it All leads to mental health Management by the very same people invested in all of this new technology, they also reap the benefits of sick humans… it’s just something to think about and is all this really worth it???(dehumanization)
Case in point-
I asked a girl out the other day the old standard way which is make small chat and then slip her a note nonchalantly, asking her if she wanted to go out for coffee sometime, I was met with looks later on as if I was a leper, weirdo, freak and I’m not a bad looking guy either ( surfer 6′ 185 lbs brn hair blue eyes)but there’s a bunch of social conditioning going on and most people are unaware that they’re being trained to be afraid of other people!
I don’t think we’re supposed to be machine-like and critically minded at all times or even most of the time because that can lead to atrocities like it has in the past human history of justified war and genocide… Something else to think about.
You have worth every single soul has worth and is important to the love of the universe!
As we embrace technology and become more technologically minded and technologically acting we will become more robotic and the chance of a healthy relationship I think will fall to the side and real human depopulation will occur… Something else to think about.
Much love and aloha T
Bro screw dating apps, get out there and try to interact with women in person, they’re far more likely to reply and talk to you because now they’ve seen you in person, but depending on where you are COVID may make this harder I know it did for me
Hey!! to hell with online crap!! Do volunteer work!!!! join some IN PERSON CLUBS and go meet real people. Real breathing people!!!!
Your self worth shouldn’t be based on how many dates you get… I know it’s easier said than done but you should work on your self esteem first.
I think the help you’re looking for will be in the form of therapy and strong friendships
First of all: dating apps are trash. Seriously: go out and approach girls in real life.
hey!
1) you got down from 250 -> 177 … you got to give yourself credit, bruhther!
2) you’re JUST 30 (I am 42!)
i don’t have a ‘logic’ behind this, but I think you are just fine!
don’t read too much into dating-app-behavior. please use dating apps as just another tool to find random people, not a barometer.
and if you still need +ve reinforcement, practice affirmations.
Same issues with me you just have to get the courage to ask for contacts when feel attracted to someone it won’t cost a thing
Dating apps are the worst. It’s a bit like being on social media where real life never really shines through. Are you able to get out & mix with real people? Join some groups? Maybe some community service organisations?
I had the same feeling. Never had real success on classical dating sites. The only functionnal for me was Meetic Affinity (I am in Europe): 4 dates, 1 making out. Not what I was expecting.
So I went for something more effective and I started using SA. It made all the difference. Girls want to hook up with you. Admittedly they’re after your money. But 2 things: as you know it, you can control it and then not all of them. I had some sincere dating there. All in all I met over 40 persons in 5 years and have had sex with more than 10. And I am picky…
Success on the apps is 95 percent about having attractive pictures of your face, so that’s where I’d focus. If you need work on your teeth get it. Make sure your skin is clear. Maybe try adding facial hair or removing it. And of course get the best pics possible. Facial attractiveness is the first filter, even a good body can’t really overcome face problems. I recently developed a medical condition that looks like rosacea so I just quit.
Hi. I’m really sorry for what you are doing through. You seem like an incredible guy with a kind heart. You also sound hot cause you’ve worked so hard in the gym with a very impressive weight loss. It’s so amazing. Never ever think you are not worth anything. Almighty God Loves All of us and you are a special trust to Him. You MATTER, your feelings MATTER, your 10000000 VALUABLE 24/7. With regard to all the apps myself as a woman I don’t use them anymore because in my experience the intentions I’ve seen with the guys I’ve had to deal with has been very bad. They say one thing when chatting on rhe app and on the phone and only wanna hookup and be totally disrespectful in person. I’m sure your a respectful guy and its sweet you send respectful and humorous msgs. Some women ignore men who are sweethearts because they are paying attention to guys who are « putting on an act ». If they don’t respect you enough to respond then that is their loss. You deserve a woman who is genuine, classy, beautiful both on the inside and out and who will always be there for you. I know its not always easy for a man to talk to a woman and vice versa but please know I’d like to help you with that. I’ve done some personal coaching for people before. Message me when you get a chance. Keep your chin up. Also, try starting a new hobby or taking up a new interest. Even something small to start. I’ve been going for walks in this sunny weather, started some art been watching the nhl playoffs, and waiting for UEFA Euro 2021 soccer to start. I grew up partly in England with my 3 brothers before we mioved to Canada so have enjoyed sports since childhood. I wish you the very best and remember each day is a blessing and a new beginning. You will be in my prayers. Life isn’t easy but we can make it through one day at a time. I’m single and I find this perspective is helpful. Wishing you a beautiful day.
Hey man first of all congratulations on the weight loss, I get that the lack of feedback can be demoralizing but don’t give up. We can easily get you back on track and I personally love talking about this stuff so I’ll do whatever I can to help.
First I think you need to focus on one app, i have been using hinge and found it to be the best app in my area. When talking to other people this could be different depending on your area unfortunately, but let’s assume hinge works best.
Second it’s all about the profile. I always avoid any selfies, no matter how good you look, and you will better if someone else takes the photo.
3rd choose fun prompts and ones that you feel you will be able to have a fun response too. If you let me know your prompts I can help come up with stuff.
4th flirting, once you match someone, always be sure to have a question. This can help keep the conversation moving. Also don’t be afraid to ask those weird silly questions, I always ask if they would rather have a beach house or lake house. Just a simple question but also gives some insight into what they like. Keep it fun and try to show your personality.
5. Opening lines, if it says anything about growing plants then always talk about them. People love talking about plants and it’s a great opener. Plus even if you don’t have any you can say you did but they kept dying and want to get more but need some tips before taking the plunge.
6 I can keep going but might need a couple more details and we can go over what specifically you would like to improve on. I got some free time and have no problem helping you out.
I hope this helps, just remember, it’s a numbers game. You are going to want to be messaging and swiping as much as you can, every single day. Most people that have issues just don’t fully commit. It’s a full time job.
Keep your head up stud and you will find the person you have always been looking for. If you want to talk further feel free to reply or DM me. I’m ready to go all in and help you starting enjoying dating.
I’m sorry it’s been a struggle for you. I hope things start to turn around for you and that your replies pick up. I’m sure you’re a catch – good luck! 🙂
Hey man, i read a chat on reddit the other day about people who worked for dating sites. Their feedback was there there tends to be a disproportionate difference betwen females and males on dating sites. They mentioned that there are many more men to women on these apps. You should look for activites you like that can be done in a group, so you can meet othet people and potentially a lady. I am in a couple of soccer leagues, and I have met people that way.
That may be a better option for you.
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This is normal stuff man don’t take it to heart. Ask the girls out in person.
Just stop using them, it is not worth if it is taking a stab on your self esteem. It happens to a lot of us. My (personal) advise is don’t listen to the « you are doing it wrong » comments either.
I thinks lots of guys are in the same position. Keep working on yourself and your pictures
Congrats on weight loss
You should post your profile so we can help
Keep your head up OLD apps can make you depressed and feel worthless, but you are worth it.
Get professional photos. Take picture of your hobbies travel pictures or outdoor activity pictures
Take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt (any advice, really).
I’m a dude who’s in the higher 200s, bald, have no self-esteem, and rarely get past the messaging phase. But I get a decent amount of real matches, and sometimes some sold conversations (someone has the 10 message to move off platform guideline, and I think I’ll take that into consideration!). With OKC, there’s a bit of « game » you can do, modifying your profile frequently (even little changes, like punctuation) will push you up the algorithm – I generally see an influx in « likes » shortly after I change a – to a space or add in an ellipses (these may be bots/scammers/etc, but they have also led to stuff). Also, use the space. You don’t need to give your life story, but being vulnerable has spoken to the kinds of women I want to meet. By vulnerable, I don’t mean « uwu, I’m fowever awone » but speaking about my anxieties and a little pie-in-the-sky (labeled as such)… Whatever it is, be authentic and leave whoever reads it wanting to know more.
Second, is pictures. This is tough for me, I’m a fat dude who hates seeing himself. But somewhere, someone mentioned making sure the pictures emphasize your personality/hobbies in some way, look like you’re having a good time and therefore a good time to be around.
For the messages, I’ve found that « trying » to be funny doesn’t always translate well over text. Be curious. That curiosity can be silly. But give them something to respond to, something that they can sink their teeth into. Also, and I hate to admit this, typos seem to have been a theme in my opening messages. I don’t always do it on purpose, but having a well thought out message, with one mistake can give off the impression that you’re clever and spontaneous/passionate/into them. Make the message personal demonstrate something about their profile that you like! (I always avoid commenting on their looks, but will point out something in their pictures if I think it’s funny or interesting).
Finally, when you’re choosing who to approach, be realistic. Does the profile read well. Not that there aren’t folks of different levels of English (or whatever language you’re looking in), but do references make sense, does it come off as personal. I avoid anyone with a IG/TT/or other social media handle, as they’re usually looking for followers (and will sometimes report them if that’s all they have). If their profile is obviously low-effort avoid them. Unless you’re paying, use your likes wisely. I hate the idea of people being « out of one’s league », I generally think that’s bullshit, but the more *attractive* (physically and via their profile) someone is, the more messages they’re getting. So, you need to stand out in some way, hope your timing is spot-on, or skip them. Often, focusing on new (which can be paid on OKC) or recently online will increase the chances that they check back often enough.
It’s a process. Have someone you trust and will be honest with you go over your profile to make sure it paints you well AND is accurate. When you do things you enjoy, try to get someone to take some decent pics of you. Smile or at least look like you’re enjoying yourself (there’s a line in a smile that turns creepy, and you don’t want that).
Take what makes sense for you for the above, or don’t. Wish you the best of luck (a major factor!!) and be careful, both physically and emotionally, these things take time.
Congrats on the weight loss first off. I lost a lot as well and am in the same boat.
Honestly just keep plugging away. Eventually you’ll match up with someone and have a rapport. Especially if you message with more than a “hey.” I read somewhere that some guys will swap genders to look at other guys’ profiles and see what stands out, but I haven’t tried that yet.
Either way, keep at it. And also keep in mind that I tend to only match with girls that eventually reveal themselves to be sex bots so take my advice with a grain of salt.
One thing I see a lot with men that lose a lot of weight is they don’t take the time to go buy clothes that actually fit and then get decent photos of themselves. If you are wearing jeans I should be able to see your ass not a baggy bunch of extra fabric cinched with a belt. Not saying this is your issue but it could help.
Then I’d suggest getting some critiques of your profile words because women do read this. Hopefully it doesn’t say “ask me anything” or “too much work to fill this out”. Conversely it shouldn’t be a rambling stream of conscience.
Your opening line should say something about her profile that you’ve actually read. Not some canned “hello beautiful” that could be for anyone. I’m sure you don’t do that but so many do I feel it must not be obvious that this is not effective.
It’s hard to know what could help since you don’t know yourself but hopefully you have some trusted friends you can ask for advice.
Quit the dating apps. Approach the woman in person.
These women are getting thousands of swipes on dating apps. How do you set yourself apart? By having the BALLS to go up to a woman and talk to her. If she rejects you, move on. In fact, it may be good for you as you build resiliency. I got rejected plenty of times, and I think that’s why I’m much more confident with women because I just don’t care anymore, and I’m a good looking guy.
Old fashioned advice
It’s about taking better pictures . You can look absolutely amazing but if you don’t capture it in the rig he pic you will look bad.
Just take a look at some influencers and how much diff they look by changing they posture or camera angle etc .
It’s super hard but have somebody take a tom of pics of you and when you go out with friends take a nice picture so it looks like you have active Bobbie s
Sending hugs ((hug)). I hate to point out what might be the obvious, but as a woman who has been on dating apps, I’ll ask anyway: in your initial message, are you directly mentioning anything from their profile so they know that you’ve actually read it? I discount messages that are too vague, like they could be just throwing out a net to see who is interested.
Extend the age range, date older women, get some experience and build your confidence with them, and then go for the ruthless younger women. I’m older, I date younger men all the time for this very reason (on their end…I have my own reasons.)
Or, know exactly what you’re looking for and put it in your profile. « I’m looking to date with the idea of a serious long term relationship in mind. »
Make sure your profile pictures are of you, can’t tell you how many times there are two or three men in the picture, and I’m like, « dude, which one *are* you, immediate swipe left for me
Also, if I can’t see your eyes, immediate swipe left. Take off the sunglasses or the hat.
It’s great you have hobbies, but I don’t need to actually see you doing them. Especially fishing…unless you have a tight gym-bod, don’t do it….unless you are looking for a woman who is excited about fishing.
I have a FWB who showed me his chats, and it’s « nice arms » all day long. In fact, that is what I said to him too when we matched. So if you want more attention online, build up your arm and leg muscles.
I like the photos where it’s him sitting in front of a meal, so I can see myself sitting across from him. Or a casual pose.
Suit pic ok, but not from a wedding. It’s icky and I can’t really say why I feel that way. It just feels icky.
Please also do not include any children or babies, or your sister/cousin/ex. Kids can’t give consent to have their pics on a dating site. Why would I consider dating a man who is clueless about consent? Why would I consider dating a man with another woman on his arm? I don’t know if it’s a gf or a sister, I’m assuming gf. Icky.
One of your face, one of your smile, one of your body. And then more photos, doesn’t matter what they are but somehow more photos gets you seen more.
I also recommend finding a professional matchmaker and get off the online dating sites. Much better for your mental health, and you are more likely to find women looking for a serious long term relationship.
I hope you’ve found this helpful and not insulting. Good luck!!
Hugs from NY! Dating life online is brutal
If the apps aren’t working, then it’s time to try something else. Sounds like you have achieved an important first step, which is getting yourself in order. Consistent weight loss means you are doing many things day to day just right. Don’t stop doing those things.
Sounds like if you have done the app thing for so long without success that you have some issues with face to face contact. This may be fear, it may be simple discomfort through unfamiliarity. Only you know that.
My advice is to start looking for opportunities to better the world around you. Didn’t think I was going that way with it did you? Seriously though, if you have trouble face to face chatting, then go volunteer to feed the homeless, or volunteer to provide food to families that are struggling, or volunteer to help people building a barn near you or whatever the local churches/organizations do near you that is helpful to others. Such situations draw in understanding and kind people, so less to worry about. In a worldwide epidemic there are plenty of people in need. Laying about at home watching content won’t help you develop any useful interpersonal skills. Showing that you can care for things and handle taking care of things is always attractive in a world where everywhere one looks one sees self centered takers stepping on others. Having taken care of yourself it is time to help others. You will gain more satisfaction feeding people, walking shelter dogs, planting trees, or helping people than you ever will waiting for no one to reply back.
Yes, definitely reconsider the older women!! It’s worth it
Here’s some help for you just YouTube (Coach Corey Wayne) and he will clear up many issues for you i believe he covers any topic that you will face in the dating world. Enjoy Life!
Bro dw it is what it is life keeps going there’s someone waiting for you there
I’m with you there brother been on them 5 years? About that, barley get replies and been on one date.
I understand bro….its been 2 yrs, ive been in the same boat forever, not a metaphor. Only thing I can say is dont let it affect your mental health, i understand it will get to you, it gets to me everyday but i never let it affect myself. Its okay to feel bad about yourself, i do to, but once you’re done with that just dont go back there till next moment. Not the motivation you need but im being realistic here. I feel miserable too, but while it lasts, once i get my head out of it, im totally normal and thats how you should try it also. I wont give you advice since im not in that position myself. But if you ever need someone to talk to just vent hmu.