Dating : Does dating someone that requires a high level of intellect turn you off?
I’m a 26 year old male and I am a Research chemist. Anytime I go on dates or talk to girls on dating apps and the conversation shifts to what I do for a living and I tell them “oh I’m a Research chemist!” And I do my best to explain what I do. I feel like they either don’t understand it or it turns them off to some degree because they kind of shut down after I talk about my job a little. Is something like this a turn off or intimidating or do I just have rotten luck??
I’ve been exclusively working on an augmented reality simulator prototype to train astronauts at the Canadian Space Agency. Not something women in general get wet about.
But the one working on her PhD did.
It depends on whether you’re being an asshole or r/iamverysmart about it! From this post it doesn’t sound like you are, but if you have any examples of what you say specifically, that might be helpful. If you’re literally just saying « Oh I’m a research chemist! » and describing what your job is without any condescension, then that really sucks that women are less responsive afterwards and seems like an odd reaction to me. However, it’s possible they’re getting vibes that you think you’re better than them/smarter than them holding that type of job. Like I said, that doesn’t seem likely based on your post, but just a good thing to do a self-check regarding.
Hi 24 y/o woman here. Intellect definitely isn’t a turn off, it’s very attractive. I think the issue is that once you say what you do, your dates straight up don’t say anything because they don’t know what to say or know how to ask follow up questions, and no one likes to look or feel stupid. I think it’s more intimidating like once you say what you do, the girls might wonder how they can compare to that. It’ll get exhausting overtime but you might have to break down your job to real simple terms or find a cool way to spin it or tell cool stories about it.
But also sometimes people just aren’t as curious or they refuse to dig deeper. I can’t relate seeing as though I’m a journalist so being curious and asking questions is my job so I’d be the type that’s more intrigued than intimidated but others just aren’t. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or what you do, but it means that you’re not dating the right people
How long do you want her to go on about her job? How many minutes do you want to hear her spend talking about working in a mining firm or a law library or a restaurant? The finer details of other people’s jobs are seldom interesting.
« What do you do as a research chemist? » « I work in a lab, I mostly look at spectroscopy reports and manage grad students, but once in awhile I get to blow something up for science. » is really what anyone other than a research chemist can be expected to care about.
Talk about the over-arching type of work (ie, I work in the farming industry, I am working on new medications for malaria, I make new formulas for cleaning products) can suffice if she presses for more info.
you being smart is fine i love hearing about my partners day. if they need me to be smart as well i can not do that i was born to listen and clean with a side of cooking and loving but intellect is not in my skillset
This is a strange question.
1) you don’t have to be super interested in your SO’s career, especially if you’re not in the field, but rather just have a passing interest in the basic aspects. If people are zoning out as soon as you mention your job, maybe you are explaining it in too highly technical or jargonistic terms, that a layperson not in the industry wouldn’t necessarily get. Is there a way you can simplify the explanation? OR if it’s a requirement of yours that they be interested in your work, then keep going as it’s a good way to weed people out.
2) just because someone is not interested in the details of your work, doesn’t mean they don’t value or possess a high level of intellect. Your career may be considered “niche” to them. They may be a huge nerd for international human rights law, or baroque music, or coding, or investment banking – there are a huge range of activities, interests and vocations that people may be into, and just because they are not into your specific area, doesn’t mean they are “turned off by a high intellect”.
I’m a Behavior Analyst. And I HATE telling guys that. They immediately think I’m analyzing all the time. Annoying.
But I’m also a sapiosexual and the intelligence of others is a HUGE turn on
sooo.
im a computer guy.
if they ask further im a cloud IT consultant.
if they ask further im mcse certified for messaging, cloud productivity, identity and security, and i focus primarily on cloud computing, or migrations to Infrastructure as a service platforms and the like.
that last one is usually enough.
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i have gates they have to pass through. if you really want to boring stuff ill give it to you, but remember you asked for it.
i dont think of myself as a « smart guy » i think of myself as a specialist.
i will set up gates like « im pretty specialized, and it can get pretty boring if we get too far into the weeds. »
I’m not in the sciences, but I actually find that it’s men (and women) who aren’t in a field they’re passionate about that turn me off. When someone’s in a field they’re passionate about (research chem, for example), it’s actually a turn-on because I’m more attracted to the substance of a person initially than I am to someone’s looks
I mean everyone has different turn ons and turn offs. I nearly only get aroused by intelligence. Other people get aroused by muscles, musical talent etc..
Btw do you play down what you do at work because you’re already afraid that the other person will find it boring. If you act like it is boring and you don’t show passion than this might be the really problem.
They probably hear it and think you are a nerd, and nerd = boring to girls. I am a nerd and girls run from me like the plague even though I am good looking.
If your job isn’t all that exciting (like mine), then try to gloss over it and focus on the more interesting aspects of your life.
Yeah it comes off as rather elitist because what they usually mean by that is paper from universities.
I like when a guy is quite smart, but not when he has a certain personality. I’m sure you’re fine, because you’re enthusiastic about what you’re doing. Which I think is very important, you should enjoy your work. I see nothing wrong with it, unless if that’s all you talk about. I’m sure you’re a great guy, you’ll find someone who appreciates you.
yea every time I tell someone im doing premed at college they disappear. I even got told at a bar I guess youre too good for me and she walked away.
I like hearing someone talk about something they’re passionate about, whatever that is. That’s attractive to me.
Keep doing your thing and you’ll attract the right person for you.
hearing you’re a research chemist is a big turn on for me… but i may be biased because i study in a science-related field as well that is heavy in biochemistry.
hell no my boyfriend is so smart like ivy league type shit and its so sexy to me bc like he always teaches me new things and its just so appealing and fascinating to me that someone knows all this information. a bit of a turn on actually.
As long as you aren’t being condescending or talking about it in very technical jargon then I don’t know why it would scare them off. I know I probably would be curious but totally afraid of sounding stupid. Question, could they just not be interested for different reasons and maybe getting the wrong read off of them? If you don’t already to lighten the mood you could throw in a joke and change topics like: « I know, it’s so exciting (sarcasm). What do you do? »
I don’t think it’s intimidating or a turn off. Sounds like a great job. Maybe the way you describe it is too detailed for someone not working in the field?
I am myself a research chemist and i made the same observations. It is incredibly hard. At most parties when i talk to people and say i am a chemist they say something along the line of i dont get chemistry and i learned that its best not to argue about that. And even though i am very passionate about my research and it takes up the majority of my time i mainly obt to discuss their profession rathet than mine. There is just a finite amount of times i can start discussing my topic with simple language until i realise i have to teach them what a molecule is.
Lol when you said research chemist I was thinking of someone into doing research chemicals and was gonna say I’ve net some of the dumbest people who black out daily on those drugs….they don’t seem so smart!
I work in kind of a « nerdy » field and I am working on an advanced degree. I feel like when I bring it up with girls, they tend to be impressed, even to the point where it makes up if the conversation is less interesting. What you gotta do, OP, is tell them your job title and explain in a sentence or less. If they ask for clarification, of course, give it to them, but if you’re spending half an hour explaining it it’ll probably bore them. Sorry if it’s harsh but that’s the way it is.
I also feel like maybe it’s my area, but on online dating, 75% of women are the same basic betches, who only swiped right for your dog, like food more than you, and who are looking for a Jim to their Pam. I feel like they’re less likely to appreciate intellect, so maybe you should change where you’re working. But yeah, like I said, just make sure you can explain what you do in a sentence, then elaborate on it naturally as it comes up in conversation.
EDIT to say I also though of something else – when you tell them about your work, do you just state what you do? If so, a job description may not be the most conducive to continuing the conversation. Ask them what they do after, or relate it back to something they can comment on. « I’m a research chemist I do xxxxxxx. No I’m not Walter White XD. How about you, what do you do? » Try something like that. It’s making it easy for them to continue the conversation.
I feel the same way I’m a philosopher and I have no solution. I’ve given up on finding women who are intellectually curious and just try to find someone who I can really laugh with. I’ll be intellectual with my academic coleagues.
Honestly, I think you’re just over complicating what’s happening.
As much as you like your job, most people don’t. And most people come to tinder to meet people, not be reminded of work. Avoid conversation about jobs and see if you have better luck, I don’t think it’s because you’re « too smart ». That’s some dumbass self dividing shit right there and you don’t need that thinking in your life.
It’s not what you do, it’s how you explain it.
Tell them you are an expert at chemistry, and then talk about how your work focuses on how things get wet.
Thank me later.
In practice I think intellect helps in dating but only to a certain point. Beyond that it starts to hurt you.
I also think high intelligence can hurt self confidence because the increased level of introspection can lead to being overly aware of one’s flaws. Nothing kills attraction like a lack of confidence.
If you are approaching it non-condescendingly, which it sounds like you are, it could be that the women you are talking to feel intimidated by you. It may make them feel stupid in some manner, or they may feel they can’t relate to you. I’m 28. I have a degree in economics, and I’m on track for grad school. I *prefer* men who are educated/intelligent. I look for this very specifically based on their job or educational attainment. Having a degree or a « smart » job certainly isn’t a requirement to me, but if there isn’t at least something about him that makes him seem equally as or more intelligent than me, then it’s a turn off. For that reason, I just tend to date men who are involved in a variety of STEM fields, medical sciences, or fellow economists (though they’re rare); not purposely – it just happens. Do you tend to match up with women who are also seemingly smart or well educated? Even if that does not matter to you specifically, you might have more luck if you talk to women who are perceived as smart. Intelligent women like intelligent men, is what I’m saying… I’m sure the women you talk to aren’t objectively dumb in any way (there are lots of ways to be smart, academics is only one way); they just may be feeling that way about themselves, comparatively.