Dating : 3 years of online dating, what am I doing wrong?
Hi, I’m a 26F and online dating is just straight up absolutely not working for me. I have no idea what to do and I’m feeling extremely discouraged.
I’ve been online dating pretty consistently for three years. I have never been on a first date where I wanted to go on a second date. I have dated a handful of guys for 3-4 dates and even tried getting a little physical with some just to see if my feelings improved, but it’s never worked. I always have a fun time, there’s good convo, but just don’t have romantic or physical feelings for the guys at ALL. Even cute guys. I’m not being “picky”, there are no specific characteristics I’m waiting for, I’m very open minded. I just don’t feel anything and I cant fix that.
This leads to me having to nicely and honestly tell a lot of guys that I’m not interested, which is such a hard convo because they usually think that since the date was fun, that it went well.
I know I’m straight because I’m not attracted to women. I know I’m not asexual because I’ve been very sexually into my exes (but we broke up for a reason, so, no future there).
It’s just the format of online dating. I met my exes as mutual friends and got to know them in a friendly casual environment for a while before we ever talked and hooked up. But with online dating, it seems like if you’re not immediately into them, there’s no way to casually get to know them. You are both clearly on a 1:1 date to get to know if you like each other. The opposite of casually getting to know someone by just being around them a lot.
I haven’t met anyone at my work or hobby groups of which I have several. None of my friends have any set-ups for me, mostly because I already know all of their mutual friends.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I have no idea how to make it work for me. If you have any ideas at all, I would really appreciate it.
TLDR: online dating doesn’t work for me because I never seem to be into them. Haven’t met anyone IRL and my friends are out of set-ups.
Update: wow I REALLY appreciate the ideas and tips. I’ve seen a few different things I want to try. I also just feel so much less alone. None of my friends are single so I don’t get to talk to a lot of people who are going through online dating. Ty!!!
Well you’ve obviously having been dealing with this for a while and it appears you’ve thought a great deal about why it hasn’t been working out. You’ve already acknowledged that any common advice has already been considered.
The only thing I have to say is that it might be time to take a break from dating. Don’t pressure yourself into finding someone, live your life, focus on you, enjoy your hobbies and your friends.
Straight cis guy perspective here. Perhaps your expectations regarding the purpose of the date are why you’re frustrated. If you’re on a date hoping to find someone you’re “in to”, that’s a tall order to fill. It sounds like you’re wanting immediate connection. To be frank, that’s rare. As a guy, I use the first date simply to screen for second date potential, and the second date is to screen to see if I’m willing to get to know someone. Connection typically comes later, and sometimes much later. Connection typically comes with sharing, and people are often hesitant to share anything of significance with someone they don’t know. One thing regarding “even cute guys”- let’s not confuse physical attractiveness with being attractive. The former does not guarantee the latter.
You were on the right track when you said they’re no way to casually get to know someone with online dating. That’s because choosing to “date” (regardless of platform) is entirely different than being around someone long enough to get to know them, so to expect the same from them is setting yourself up for disappointment. I know this doesn’t provide a solution to your frustrations, but hopefully it helps manage expectations. I’m sure others will chime in.
Hang in there!
Online dating is out for money, doesn’t work for a lot of people and is just generally broke. The only way to make a life with OLD work is to not have too high expectations. But it seems you really are in a bad place. Would you consider taking some time of off OLD? Because it did teach me to invest not as much as I used to.
I feel this so hard. I have no wisdom to share, just commisseration.
This might sound weird but are you taking some kind of medication? Like anti depressants or birth control? i bet there are other medication that could affect feelings aswell.
I’ve been online dating on and off for 9 years (I’m 30f and have had several relationships coming from online dating). Still haven’t found my person. It may not be that you’re doing anything wrong, it just might be that you haven’t found the right person yet.
You can’t force yourself to be into someone. You say you always had a fun time with them, maybe instead of ending it because you’re not interested, give them and yourself more time?
Why are you not interested (anymore) in the guys?
What you also could do, is take a step back away from online dating. And take some time to figure out what you are looking for in a guy.
Too quick to dismiss. Gotta give more time to really bond and know each other.
I’d say to ignore or at least don’t really think too hard on the people telling you that it’s a great idea to go out on more dates with guys you aren’t feeling. (A lot of them seem to be men who are thinking about the man who’s not getting a second date and not you.)
It’s entirely OK to not want a second date if you don’t feel anything there. But as a lot of other people pointed out, that is also objectively true, online dating is designed to make the company money not to actually help you. And the format itself is likely why you have such a different experience with online versus friend referral dates. I feel the same way. It’s a complete stranger who built a profile that might not even accurately reflect themselves. I don’t take online dating nearly as seriously as I would take dating someone that I met outside of an app.
I think you should take a break from OLD. Maybe meet up with more irl folks.
Wait until it’s been 10 years.
It sounds like you need a break.
From what I’m reading, you’re not doing anything wrong. If you’re not into someone then you’re not into them, it’s not a failing on your part.
Best thing I think you can do is to take a break. Try to meet people other ways if you feel like it’s something you want to do, but just step away from the online scene for a little while.
Do what a lot of us guys do: not use “dating” apps. Shits trash for everyone.
I have this EXACT same experience and I am so stressed about it! Online dating seriously doesn’t work for me, but where am I supposed to meet people in real life as an adult in the current world?! It actually makes me feel so much better to know that it’s not just me. Thank you so much for sharing!!
I hate online dating, I think is very superficial and I cannot connect with a stranger. I prefer to go out, meet with some random people and start talking about different topics face-to-face. This is something that online dating simply cannot give you because you are communicating through a screen. You are not able to understand the mood of the other person and it is very, very easy to text something stupid.
Plus I have also realized that texting does not give you an immediate feedback on how a conversation is going, because the other person is busy, and needs to put away his phone for a few hours. So, you need to wait, there is nothing else that you can do. I prefer to be direct, let’s go out, let’s speak, let’s know each other, and then if everything goes well, maybe we can go for a second date.
You need to understand that human interactions are not easy at all, we are not machines, and requires time to build a bound toward another person. You need to give to yourself more time and know people better, before saying that you are not interested at all. Of course this requires a lot of patience and effort, two qualities that our society seemed to forget completely. Nowadays everything is about instant gratification, which can be good on the very short term, maybe for a one night stand, but for sure not if you want to keep dating a certain person.
Well maybe you have to stop rejecting them after rhe dates (for the ones going well) and jump into a relationship to see if your feelings are evolving with time.
I tell you this because of your former experiences where you had friendly time to know others.
OLD definitely takes something away from the traditional way of dating, i’ve been on and off for 5yrs too, and before that had been in organic relationships, none have lasted more than 6 months since my last long termer ended 5yrs ago
It’s fine mam just see the person if he is real or fake
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At least you’re getting dates. Many men can’t get anything.
Hmm
Maybe ur one of those bar chick’s where u bring home a dude each night probably?
Or u probably just had to many dudes and now u can’t get interested enough to be with one and just get bored so you go to the next hence the online dating
Those are the only 2 logical explanations I can think of for your problem
Unless ur leaving something out
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