Dating : Am I Wrong For Being Upset/Hurt?
**tldr**: I have been seeing a girl for about 6 months and she told me she recently slept with another guy. What would you do if you were in my shoes? TIA for reading.
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So, at the start of our relationship she had just gone through a separation from her ex-husband. They were married for about 2 years and she married when she was 24yo (she is now 26yo) and had been with him since college. In a lot of ways, I was there as a shoulder to lean on while going through such a hard time. We immediately felt a strong bond, we had a lot of deep conversations, shared secrets, hopes for the future, mistakes in our past, and connected on many levels (emotionally, mentally, values, etc.)–all prior to becoming physical.
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When we started to have sex, (around January) I suggested that we keep things « casual » and not try and jump into a relationship (even though I would love to build that with her), due to the fact that she is in a major transition phase in her life and I think she needs time to heal, figure out who she is (since she stated her identity revolved around her ex-husband), and figure out what she wants.
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I suggested she take time to date other people, if she thinks that is something she needs, but the only **very important** thing I asked of her was to tell me if she sleeps with another person, since we have been having unprotected sex. She agreed to do so and we continued seeing each other.
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Fast forward to the month of June, our relationship has all of the hallmarks of a monogamous relationship. We have sex regularly (and we are sexually compatible!), she stays the night at my apartment regularly (extra toothbrush and all), I make her dinner regularly (she never makes me dinner though :/ ), and my feelings for her are growing stronger.
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Then, just when things couldn’t be going any better (or so I thought) she tells me she slept with another guy. She admits that she gave him a blowjob but that he used a condom when they actually had sex. She then tells me that we (her and I) have had unprotected sex « multiple times » since she slept with this other guy–thus, I am upset because she is putting my health at risk, and I am hurt because I thought I was being so good to her and I feel like I was being taken for granted and unappreciated. She didn’t want to tell me because she was afraid I would think « she was a fuck up. » She really regrets having sex with this guy and she realizes that she may have lost a good thing with me.
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Parts of her defense were: **1)** she didn’t realize that we had an « agreement » about telling e/o when sleeping with other people. She thought we were strictly FWB, so in her mind she was single. **2)** She didn’t use a dating app and wasn’t necessarily seeking to find someone, this guy just randomly hit on her on the street. They went on three dates before she went to his place and they had sex. She said she liked being pursued. **3)** She realizes that the casual sex she had with him was meaningless and it mad her feel sad after.
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Should I forgive her? Am I being unfair, since technically we aren’t in a monogamous relationship? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?
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This is my first post. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.
Since you never defined the relationship as monogamous, you don’t *really* have an argument in the sense that she did something wrong. You said you wanted to be casual, she slept with somebody else and *did* tell you about it, even if it wasn’t like as soon as the condom was coming off the other guy.
As for you feeling your health is at risk, since she used protection there’s a very, very low chance that you are. Get tested if you feel like you need peace of mind.
However – if you do want to define the relationship as monogamous, you need to explicitly state that. You can’t just assume she needs space and time to heal after her marriage if she hasn’t said that herself. Have you asked *her* what she needs? What she’s looking to get out of this thing you two have? If she even likes you as a romantic partner? Lots of things to clear up. Good luck.
Was gonna open with « dump her, » but yeah this one is actually kind of on you being flaky from the start. Honestly trying to fwb a newly divorced woman who was vulnerable twords you is kind of exploitative. Treat her right if you care and make your status clear.
If she does it again be done with her though.
she used a condom so you’re not really in danger
6 months is a long time to keep things ambiguous and casual. at that point I would assume things weren’t ever going to get serious
you told her she could be with other people as long as she was protected and told you about it. this is exactly what she did
I can see why you’re upset but at the same time she was following your rules so, eh, idk what to say here
You told her she can do whatever she wants. When you startef doing those things for her, the agreement should have been revisited. Also, sounds like she sleeps with any random guy that hits on her.
well these days, unless you have « the talk » about being exclusively dating – default is that you are not.
you did tell her she could do whatever she wanted.
lol well, you « technically » have no right to complain since you aren’t exclusive (haven’t had that talk). Hell you even said date casually. She doesn’t have to tell you who she sleeps with though you say she did agree to. All of this adds up to someone that’s inconsiderate and not making nearly the effort that you are for a LTR. It’s kind of your fault things got to here (visa vi your feelings and investment). Personally I’d have done things differently from the start and avoided this « predicament » all together – we might still have been FWBs, but my feelings, investment, and expectations would remain well in check.