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Dating : Am the only guy that resents the people who advised them when they were young: “Concentrate on your studies now and later girls will come”?

Dating : Am the only guy that resents the people who advised them when they were young: “Concentrate on your studies now and later girls will come”?


I took that to heart. I devoted myself to school. I ignored girls and tried to get to the best college that I could. I struggled a lot in college and didn’t have time to date. After 2 years of finishing college, I am not happy, I am a 27-year-old virgin who gets no worthwhile matches online. I wish that I could go to the past and tell my past self to try to have fun and not kill myself with my studies. The adults in my life pretty much screwed the best chances that I had for dating by giving me empty promises and misinformation.

What do you think?

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  1. I’m a girl and I resent that advice. The truth is, it’s during your teens/early twenties that you develop your social skills and that includes dating. If you focus only on your studies, you’re missing out on an important part of life. And that will show later down the line.

  2. It’s interesting you say that. I have read/heard testimonies from both men & women, who had strict parents telling them not to date and focus on studies. But then, when they are still single at 25-30, and have never introduced a significant other to their family, that same family rudely asks them, why are you not married? Why are you still single? Where are my grand kids? They try to set them up with people and their kids are not interested. They don’t see where they went wrong.

  3. Yes!! I was told for years to really put my nose to the grindstone and work work work hard at my studies and my work. I didn’t party, I didn’t take risks or travel. I got good grades and volunteered. I earned a college degree at 19, and worked multiple trades for years. I now run a successful small business but I struggle with traveling alone, doing outings by myself or having fun. I turn 30 in a month, so I’m flying to hawaii with my friend to try to be spontaneous and travel but I can’t help but feel anxious about the trip. It’s not supposed to be like this. Everything in life needs a balance. I regret listening to my elders because I realized I really haven’t had much fun. I’m trying though.

  4. It wasn’t just dating for me, it was all non-church social interaction. In the end I was so sheltered and clueless it took me decades to (sort of) catch up.

    Even now feel like I’m in a completely different life stage as anyone my own age. My college friends seem so much older than me. Most of the people I hang out with are at least ten years younger than me.

    I’m 46, but I’m looking to be a father, not a grandfather.

  5. So I have a lot of friends who are doctors now and thought along similar lines the whole time they were grinding. « Once I’m a doctor and I’m successful, women will want me. » Now they’re doctors and the magical stream of women didn’t appear and they’re like wtf? My advice seemed really helpful to them so I’ll say the same thing to you. You grinded super hard in one category and sort of didn’t pay attention to all the other one’s in a world where success depends on more than one thing. It’s sort of like the people who think that just because they’re really smart they’ll automatically be successful when that just isn’t the case. It depends on more than just your career. For example; let’s say you meet a girl who’s very attractive but that’s all she has going for her. Is that really going to be enough for you? Probably not unless you just want a trophy wife. Do you get what I’m trying to say? Edit: people seem to be missing the point I’m making. It doesn’t have anything to do with doctors specifically. It’s just a pattern among some of my doctor friends that I’ve observed that could apply to other people who focused intensely on career and not much else. They could be lacking in other areas thry never bothered to develop and that brings them down overall.

  6. I think it’s good *and* bad advice.

    In the way that it’s good: Not everyone is capable of managing their education and a relationship – too many times people compromise their future for the sake of their relationship (ie. not taking a certain job because your partner doesn’t want to move).

    In the way that it’s bad advice: practice makes perfect. Do I think high school relationships will work out? Of course not, but I 100% support teens dating each other because that experience helps them immensely when it comes to their adult relationships.

    I think it’s extremely important to have friends of the opposite sex. It’s invaluable to have a diverse group of friends. Do you have any female friends? If no, I’d honestly start there before dating. You will gain a better perspective of women from other women.

  7. In a previous era this would have been solid advice. The problem is in the past 5-7 years things have gotten crazy difficult due to the rise of swiping apps.

    So you have people like you and me who focused our 20s on building ourselves up, but now are realizing that the game has completely changed. It sucks, and I’m not really sure there is an easy or clear solution.

  8. Honestly, life is pretty random. I went to school for a trade and focused on what I wanted. It sucked for the most part, until I was 28. Keep in mind I kept to myself my who life. Was actually a virgin until… last year. For some odd reason, everything has hit me like a ton of bricks. My first girlfriend broke up with me, who I lost my virginity too and now I’m on my 2nd gf. Before her i had some fwb, that i frequented. I never imagined this sort of thing would ever happen. Most of my teens and 20’s were miserable because I was alone. Make a conscious effort of getting out of your comfort zone, little by little, maybe mention your single once in a while. People pick up on it and might suggest someone else who is. « People Lack The Will To Change ».

  9. Yep, Asian guy here. Parents came from poverty where money is everything, so they naturally thought a good job equaled a good life. Obviously that’s not how it works in the US considering women actually have degrees and good jobs and don’t need to rely on men. Thus, how much money you make doesn’t mean shit to most American women unless you’re really poor (and if you’re really rich you might be attracting the wrong types). Most American women want guys that are exciting, fun, attractive, etc., so if your life or personality is boring as shit, you just can’t make up for that with a higher salary.

  10. I’m getting to that same point as a 21m. Always went to small tech schools with insanely high male to female ratios. It honestly really fucked my ability to talk to woman. I’m doing great in school, almost finished with great job prospects, but I notice myself getting increasingly depressed for my future love life especially since I am going into STEM. We are both probably just overthinking just a little, but man I totally feel you.

  11. I resented that advice and realised how terrible it is. While intended to be helpful, it ends up making you one dimensional.

    I suppose being cognitive of it is the first step

  12. Not alone in that, no: I was told by family and friends that a lot about life would work itself out and today I am nearly friendless, single, and feeling older than I am. It stinks.

  13. I just want to say this to everyone on this sub. Everyone knows OLD sucks, but we do it because it’s one of the most popular ways to meet people these days. However, it is not the only way.

    I have recently tried all the apps and dont get many matches like the rest of you, but the few times I’ve gone out and actually mingled with people I’ve gotten pretty good feedback even if in the end it didn’t amount to much.

    The thing about OLD is that you have to compete with all the other options women are presented with, which obviously sucks. When you go out to talk to people in person it allows you to make an impression right away, and hopefully build some sort of connection giving you better chances.

    Don’t get me wrong though either way dating kinda just sucks but you gotta work with what you got.

  14. You can’t change the past but you’ll be able to impart a valuable life lesson to other people and the future generation. Realizing the mistakes (or just missed opportunities) of your youth will help you be a pretty knowledgeable, cool dad in the future. I know that’s not what you care about right now but more life experience is usually better than less it’s just a matter of getting to the point where you appreciate it.

    I’ve seen parents/families give out that advice so many times, doesn’t matter if they have a daughter or son or if they’re Desi or Hispanic or religious or not. I’ve never seen it actually help the person whose actual life was in question, it pretty much always just adds extra stress. It’s a little funny that my boyfriend’s family has been recently trying to set him up with some cousin and his excuse was that he’s concentrating on getting his PhD and doesn’t want to think about marriage yet. But for me, I’ll never find getting an education or furthering a career as a valid reason to stop a committed relationship from happening or blossoming.

    Eventually you will find someone. It’ll either happen becuz you were trying (approaching someone on the train, meeting in Discord to play a game, etc.) or becuz you weren’t (maybe a friend of a friend will set you up on a blind date or someone new will come in to work one day). But it will happen. The hard part is not knowing when or how

  15. I wish I had dated when I was younger. At 36yrs old, I’ve been single my whole life.

    Unfortunately, due to the asian mentality of my parents, getting straight A’s in school, getting a job that pays a 6 figure income and being a « good catholic » were more important. Looking back at my childhood, I can see how my social skills were stunted because of these 3 elements that my asian parents were obsessed with.

  16. The most successful people I know personally either dropped out of university, or never went.

    And when I say successful, I mean successful in life, money, business + vocation, women, relationships, etc. The whole lot.

    I went to university, « concentrated on my studies », have a masters degree with first class honours, and these people I refer to above are my clients, and they tell me what to do. Oh yeah, I’m still single + hopeless at dating and relationships…

  17. it’s true :/ a couple of my friends haven’t left the nest since the start of college just to commit to studying. it’s very obvious to see them struggle to talk to guys our age, go up to store staff, or even talk to each other. very disheartening and i wish they wouldn’t force this mentality on younglings :/

  18. I’m sorry a lot of you guys are feeling this way, but it’s not too late to change.
    People can change at every stage of life, theres no threshold where you can’t learn something.
    And personally I like to learn new things a lot, and just see it as a game where I can improve on. Don’t take it too hard on yourself. Self pity stops you from progressing..

    You should communicate it beforehand (when ur chatting via OLD apps or irl). That way it takes a bit of pressure off you and understanding on the other party involved. While im sure most of the people wouldn’t think of it as a ‘bad’ thing.

    We all get dealed certain cards and you gotta try and be the happiest you.
    Try to have a bit of fun while learning

  19. This advice would have worked in a traditional dating market, where you increase your value as a provider being a man, which would make you attractive to women. In the modern dating world this is a useless strategy which makes you vulnerable to women with bad intentions.

  20. Yeah, the advice is a fantasy where the girls go and have fun with « the bad boys » before coming to their senses and realize they need a « provider » or stable guy. It also is a subtle way of telling you that you aren’t good enough or attractive enough to date, so you should focus on being successful so women will want you. It’s also pretty sexist towards women as well.

  21. Kinda feeling the same way. Just graduated college(21m) and literally have no experience with anything. Wasn’t so much following everyone else’s advice moreso just thinking oh thats not important now let me grind school to get a good job. Now Im starting a good job where im gonna be working super long hours and it made me think about how much easier just starting dating would’ve been during college compared to now.

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