Dating : Any advice or opinions on how to maneuver this situation?
Hey hey, okay so obviously it’s my decision whether I want to try or not but I’m asking for some opinions on the following situation and how I should proceed from here.
Two months ago I (M20) met this girl (F21) online during lockdown, she doesn’t live in the same country I live in but she’ll come working here very soon so this wouldn’t even be the main concern. Since I wasn’t really looking for romantic relationships online, rather connections in general cause I felt lonely during lockdown at times, I didn’t really prepare for this to happen. But I met her and we got along very well. Since neither of us really went into this looking for a relationship (we’re both single though) it was never something we talked about. Still… we called a lot and I think I let myself go a little (hard to know whether she’d say the same about herself). And given that during lockdown I couldn’t really see my friends that frequently (I usually mainly rely on them with my attachment needs) I felt lonely and that girl kind of washed that all away. Which is also why I noticed that I’m too dependent emotionally and in terms of my needs on her (even though it’s « just » an online thing).
Okay so to get closer to my actual question… she’s been acting distant lately and that could be because of the exam stress for her but those are over now and I don’t feel like that changed. I noticed that I’ve been feeling very anxious about her being distant and checking how long she takes to reply and stuff. The usual « anxious attachment » kind of things. I’m guessing though that this is connected to how dependent I am on her in terms of my needs (for the past two months at least). We did have a conversation about that two days ago where I told her that I’ve been feeling anxious and also worried about her cause I felt like she’s been distancing herself. She didn’t deny that but she was genuinely surprised and told me she didn’t really notice she was distancing herself and apologized for making me feel anxious (where I think it’s not necessarily fair for her to apologize cause this is more about me but anyways).
Lockdown is slowly being lifted here and I’m allowed to meet my friends again, met them for the first time in ages yesterday, and while being with them all the anxiety was completely washed away and especially the dependent feeling too. Now that I’m back home I feel like I’m in lockdown mode again and the anxiety creeps into my brain again. But I’m optimistic that meeting my friends more often from now on will really help me.
To get to my question now… she’s been acting distant maybe cause we’ve been getting closer to each other (which is nothing more than my narrative but I feel like it’s true) and I’m usually more of the avoidant kind of person in terms of attachment so I only really developed this anxious style during lockdown. Meaning, especially when she said she didn’t really notice how she was being more distant, I felt that and I could relate but I also know that during a time where one has this avoidant mindset, every attempt to get close is exactly what pushes them away because of their fear.
After giving it a lot of thought I think that I do genuinely like her beyond the dependancy I developed during lockdown. I have no idea whether she thinks the same about me or not .. maybe not at all but what I want is clarity and also if I shoot my shot, I want the best chances possible. Meaning if I was in an avoidant mindset personally and someone asks me out I’m out of there despite maybe wanting it (= low chances if I’d ask right now) I’m not saying my chances are high, but I want opinions on how you’d maneuver my situation? If she distances herself even when she didn’t really realize that… she’s implicitly communicating that she needs distance meaning my plan would be to rely more on my friends again now that I get the chance and give her some time and distance. And then maybe after some time « shoot my shot » or at least tell her that I think I like her and ask for her thoughts on that and on me/us.
What do you think is the right thing to do? And how would you maneuver someone being in that avoidant mindset? (assuming that’s what it is, maybe she is just distancing herself in general cause she is not interested)
And do you think there’s already damage done due to me communicating that I feel anxious? (Something I was worried about)
Sorry for the long post and thanks to everyone who even read it. Means a lot! 🙂
I wouldn’t recommend you confess to her and try to get into a relationship. At least that is if, 1. You think you like her, but you’re 100% madly in love with her. 2. I understood that she’s not from your country, but I didn’t pick up on how long she was going to be there for. If it’s only a few months or a year, then a friendship is more valuable. Maybe ask her what are her future plans. If it’s long term, try to meet up with her, see what’s the vibe, maybe you can find out how she thinks or feels about you. And after you meet up, maybe your thoughts or feelings for her would change. If she’s not planning to stay for long, then I’d say it would be better if you just stay friends. That way, you can continue chatting and keeping things as they are even if she leaves your country/city or lockdown happens again. After all, you mentioned at the start that you didn’t have a relationship intention when you met her online, so it would be safe to assume she didn’t either. (also, a bit out of context, but out of personal experience, long distance relationships are hard, and how to make them work should be a-whole-nother post).
I can understand the anxiety of the lockdown and the joy of seeing friends again. A lot of people feel the same, and I think that’s what we need the most now, seeing friends. Sure, the love and affection of an SO would be amazing too, but make sure you both have the same intentions before you get into it.
Don’t worry, be patient and good things will come your way.