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Dating : Anyone else feel like they keep getting rejected for not putting out?

Dating : Anyone else feel like they keep getting rejected for not putting out?


Lately, I (20F) have had three experiences where after the fourth date or so, guys have outright told me that my attitude towards sex was the reason it ended. It doesn’t feel great, to say the least. Anyone else have experiences like this? How can I avoid it?

Read also  Dating : M35, single all my life, am I alone?

What do you think?

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  1. I don’t have any advice really — merely passing thoughts I feel should be aired.

    Honestly, if I was casually seeing someone, and after 4 solid dates of getting to know them, they still didn’t want to have sex… I mean unless they’re someone I’d seriously consider a long-term relationship with, I would bail. In the beginning stages of a relationship, it’s a lot about figuring out each other. Sex being one of those things you have to figure out. Sexual incompatibility is a reason people end relationships. And I’d rather figure that one out sooner than later, as sex, in my mind, is a big reason why people stay together for the long haul. Being able to satisfy each other in that way is important in my mind.

    But even saying « unless they’re someone I’d seriously consider long-term » is almost kind of redundant. Relationships form because two people are really into each other, and, let’s all face it, people that are really into each other tend to have sex. But two people only get really into each other because they both give each other enough space and leeway to say « this isn’t working for me, sorry ». And I’d think after 3 or 4 dates, you’d be able to make a determination about the character of the person in question well enough to say « yeah… I could see this going somewhere ». In which case, sex becomes more a way of saying « yeah, I really really like you ».

    So in my mind, it’s no wonder these guys end things. You’ve gone out with them a few times (more than likely over the course of a month), you both know each other somewhat, you like hanging out with each other, you probably talk often enough throughout the week… but you don’t like them, or trust them enough to want to have sex with them. That’s fine. But you must understand your wanting to abstain for trust reasons goes against the grain of how many guys either think/know how this all works.

    In their minds, you not wanting to have sex says « Welp, I guess she’s not really into me. Let’s move on. » Even if you don’t feel that way, which I’m sure you don’t given the post, this is how they’re most likely feeling. They most likely feel that you have another guy you’re talking to, or that you’re not physically attracted to them, or that you are physically attracted, but don’t have enough else there to want to do it… whatever it be, their insecurities will come to take over their headspace, and… that’s why you’ve had multiple guys walk away.

    Let me put it in a more succinct way: your wanting to trust someone before having sex is completely and utterly rubbing against every guys basic insecurity of « if she doesn’t like me enough to want to have sex with me yet, then I’m just being led on, and I’m going to leave now.  »

    Cuz at the end of the day, we all hate having our time wasted. And no one is saying (me especially) that sex is the *only* thing that matters. But it *does* matter.

    Let me spin this post on you: could you, in a perfect scenario, prince charming across the table perfect, ever see yourself *seriously* falling for someone on the first two dates such that you’d *want* to have sex with them? If you answer no, you simply haven’t been in the situation then. If you can’t answer no, then the real question becomes: what is it about these guys that you don’t trust about them that you wouldn’t want to have sex with them after ample enough time spent with them (which I’d say 3-4 dates falls squarely in range)?

    /word vomit over

  2. 32m here who recently went out with a 25f. We slept together the first night out of excitement. I told her on the second date that I’d rather wait a few more dates until we hooked up again and she dropped me for it. It sucks but it’s just sexual incompatibility.

  3. Sexual compatibility is important.

    I dated a girl for months who didnt want to have sex or be sexual. Just casually, though. The fact is, it feels kinda crappy when someone dates you, you like them, but they dont want to have sex with you.

    To me it kinda felt like rejection, or like the « relationship » i had was just a friendship with handholding. On top of that, im monogamous and would never cheat. Result: i was bored, not having sex, and couldnt see her as anything other than maybe a friend.

    Im not saying you should put out for whoever; that is something you have to be ready for in your own time. Im just explaining what it was like to be on the other side of a situation like that

  4. I would definitely end things if after 4 dates we haven’t progressed physically.

    But I don’t fault the girl. To each their own. Stick to your game plan and eventually you’ll get to someone who feels similarly.

    You can’t avoid it unless you change, but that’s not advisable. Be you.

  5. Sexual compatibility is important BUT the ones saying ‘oh but we must have sex by date 4’ are totally missing the point. Why put pressure on yourselves by setting such a weird deadline to have sex? Don’t you think it’s a self fulfilling prophecy to make a deadline then declare the potential relationship a fail when sex doesn’t happen?

  6. Sexual compatibility is as important as anything else. Why would you wait a long time to find out about that?

    If you are someone that takes a lot of time before you have sex you should be up front with about that on date #1.

  7. The average number of dates before sex is 3. If you’ve dating 20 people and 19 of them have sex with you by the 3rd date, and the 20th one is an outliar, what would you think?

    You’re communicating something different than everybody else. What’s being perceived is that you could be your sexually repressed, you’re not that interested, you’re looking for attention or something other than a relationship that contains sexual affection, or a number of other things.

    Dating is a numbers game. If I have to date 20 girls to find one decent one, you have to vet woman so your precious time isn’t wasted.

    We live in a world now where articles are being written about how woman are tired of being cold-approached, turning it into a negative. Where online dating is quickly becoming the norm. Where 95% of people are going to waste your time. What would you do?

    Men are sexual. We feel loved and appreciated by sex. Not having sex is communicating a lot of potentialities. What it isn’t communicating is that you want us.

    I’m not saying you need to start putting out. I’m giving an explenation to your confusion.

  8. you need to find someone who is comfortable with your pace.

    ​

    also, I may get flak for this, but don’t with-hold putting out just because the guy is « relationship material ». I hate this, a lot of men hate this, but a lot of women do this. it doesnt mean first date right away, but if there is a connection and you two feel it and are comfortable, dive in, dont purposely hold back over and over again.

    ​

    It implies that you are fine with prolonging the arguably the most intimate thing (putting each others’ genitals inside each other, lets be honest) while kissing and hugging at the same time, while giving that same intimate thing away to men that you were supposedly not relationship material much earlier

  9. You are not alone!

    I have a great method of weeding these type of people out:

    Don’t see them more than a few times a week (preferably 1-2).
    Don’t accept last-minute dates.
    Date up to 3 people at once, until you have the commitment talk with one of them.
    Increase the age range of your dating pool. This makes a big difference.
    Don’t talk about sex until around the 4th date – it’s fair to let him know that you’re old-fashioned and want to wait before having sex.
    End dates first (prevents letting things get hot & heavy too soon).
    No kissing with tongue until the second date.

    Source: Woman in her 20s who found men that respect women who wait before sex. They exist!

  10. They probably weren’t that attracted to you to begin then. Look through the subs history and you’ll find countless stories of girls who were dropped/ghosted after putting out.

  11. Truthfully, if I went on four dates with a girl and she didn’t want to have sex with me, I would move on as well. It would be a red flag for me.

    Maybe she’s not into sex as much as I am? Maybe she’s just using me? Maybe she has some sort of disability/physical issue that occurs during sex and she’s trying to hide it? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex yet, because she’s seeing another guy that she likes more? Maybe I’m just her backup plan? These are all things that I would have to consider.

    Obviously you weren’t a good match for these guys, because your timeframes for sex where too different from theirs. You don’t need to have sex earlier. But you *will* have to search harder to find a guy that’s actually willing to wait 4+ dates for sex.

  12. Lol you can’t. Everyone wants physical intimacy and after 4 dates something should be happening if not straight up naked dancing. It’s annoying as hell when you spend time on a girl and she just a huge prude who got all these rules on doing and not doing stuff. Just go with the flow. I just had this happen with a girl I went on like 6 dates with and after 4 I just felt like digshit at end of dates because I’m craving intimacy but it’s not happening so I bounce because there is so many people out there and I can’t waste time on a girl who doesn’t know what she wants.

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