Dating : Calling someone out on ghosting. What are your thoughts?
I’ve been ghosted and I’ve ghosted before. Not proud of it. I stopped ghosting years ago, after I grew up a little. I prefer directness on either end of the coin now.
I’ve been ghosted twice before. Well maybe more than twice? But these two times are the ones that stuck with me.
Once was with a guy I was sleeping with for about a month and then one day he just stopped responding to me. I let a few weeks pass before I texted him again and called him out on it. Nothing crazy or angry, just something like “Ghosting sucks, but I get it. It was fun, good luck with everything.” . I think the lack of closure ate at me, and I finally had to send that. An entire week passed before he responded, a long paragraph explaining what happened and apologizing for ghosting. Long story short, he ended up with a girlfriend and felt guilty about telling me since he was just sleeping with me so recently. Honestly, it was really nice to know what happened and to finally have some closure on it. Also, I felt like less of a doormat since I called him out on ghosting me, which wasn’t cool. That was that and I moved on pretty quickly.
Recently, I was ghosted by a guy I went on two dates with. I don’t know if my reaction was extreme, but I knew in my gut I was getting ghosted. The date had gone really well from what I thought, and he was responsive over text the next day. And when I texted him a few days later, he didn’t respond. Then another day passed, and I kind a knew at that point. And so I texted him asking him if he was okay, and when he didn’t respond that, I said “I prefer directness over ghosting, if that’s the case.” Finally, he responded. I said thanks for letting me know. Then he blocked me on everything. That was a weird feeling, I’ve never been blocked on anything before.
When it comes to ghosting, the only way I can get a response from these guys, is when I call them out. It’s hard for me just to let something go without that definitive ending. I also hate feeling like a doormat.
One time somebody called me out on ghosting. I didn’t respond to one text, and I unfollowed him on Instagram. I got a text from him saying “Hey, in the future you should be kinder to people. Good luck :)”. I thought it was kind of extreme and passive aggressive. But hey, he was hurt. If anything, his text confirmed that he was not someone I was interested in.
So, I don’t know what the right move is here. In the future, if/when I’m ghosted, should I just find the strength to literally drop it and move on? I feel like most of you are going to say, when somebody ghosts you, you already have your answer. But idk. It’s hard, sometimes I just want that ending. I hate thinking “what if” and just sitting around speculating about what they’re thinking. I’d rather just end it and move on.
Many people will say “don’t do that, you’ll look crazy”. But there’s a point in time where I just don’t care, want to move on, and I don’t want to be treated like a doormat.
Tends to be a waste of time in my experience. They’re just not interested in any case. Best to focus on moving on.
I went through a similar experience recently with a girl a was talking and had gone out with once (some context here is we had already know each other for some time). After our date we kissed and she unfortunately went traveling for a bit and didn’t here from her for some time. Then a couple weekends ago she showed up at the bar I worked at and was all over me, In my head I thought, alright lets pursue this a little more now. I asked her out again with no response, sat on that text for a couple days then just said screw it and sent a very similar message to what you sent.
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The response I got wasn’t the one I was wanted (She just doesn’t want to date right now) but the moral of the whole story is that by pressing the issue I knew I had done what I could for the situation and that in itself provides the « closure » I was seeking to the situation. The alternative to that (just leaving the text) provided me with nothing but anxiety and left me wondering what, if anything, I did wrong. Pressing the issue (to a reasonable extent) means that you tried and if the other individual involve chooses not to respond, however much that sucks for you at the time, means that they’re not someone worth investing my time in.
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>Many people will say “don’t do that, you’ll look crazy”. But there’s a point in time where I just don’t care, want to move on, and I don’t want to be treated like a doormat.
The latter part of this resonates with me. I’m at the point with dating where I’m tired of stepping around everything and am trying to work on being more direct. I’m the type of person who gets a little too invested in things early on in relationships but that in itself is a part of who I am and looking back on it from a different perspective it has definitely also provided a positive impact in previous relationships.
I share your view but at the same time I don’t think you get anything out of correcting other people who you’ll probably never see again. Do you just do it to silence your conscience?
People should do that, to bring back a sense of responsibility and commitment in modern dating culture. I would feel awkward if girls I ghosted did that to me but it would be a great opportunity to reflect on it and learn from that experience. Also if it brings you a sense of closure, I say go for it.
Everyone should call out people for ghosting.
Maybe we should hold both women and men accountable when it comes to ghosting. Call them out if it happens. Perhaps then ghosting will be seen in modern dating as something that decreases in the dating world.
I personally haven’t ghosted anyone from what I can remember. People tend to have 2 personalities, online and offline. I can’t say my personality can seamlessly translate through both channels either, but in person I wouldn’t just stare (« seen ») at someone. Growing up, I was taught to respond to people when they talk to me so it becomes second nature to me to have to reply to someone’s texts.
It’s just sad people think they can hide behind their screens like that. I used to hate it when people ghosted me, but then again it only shows they’re uninterested and how bad they are at communicating. They are just clearly not someone I want to keep in my circle.
You know, ghosting is pretty much entirely restricted to the world of « online dating ». Stop treating dating like you’re shopping on Amazon and consider dating the old-fashioned way.
> Once was with a guy I was sleeping with for about a month and then one day he just stopped responding to me.
It’s very possible that you treat sex far too casually.
There are so many people out there it’s pointless to care about being ghosted other than the ego hit. But it helps to realize it says a lot more about them than it does you. Been in both positions as well and it means they didn’t value the relationship… better to invest your time and emotional energy into people that actually care about you (or meeting new people who actually care about you)
also, calling them out for it is pointless, like you said you have your answer even if you don’t like it – if they care about you they’ll reach out and if they don’t then they won’t. It might feel good to get some « revenge » or whatever but most of the time they’re not trying to be malicious, just too cowardly to actually tell you they aren’t interested
I think you have every right to call someone out on ghosting (in a respectful way). Maybe if enough people do this, people will realize how hurtful and rude it is.
The flip side of what happens is I’m older and I don’t want to dance around anything . After many ghosting experiences of being the ghoster and recipient I just don’t chase .. period . I let who ever do the pursuing .. if you don’t your loss . That’s kind of a bad habit and I e been called out fir not texting first etc and coming off cold , but I’m not dating and the games just exhausted me .
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Ok everyone this is simple:
Ghosting without any notice = Bad
Ghosting after someone doesn’t take a hint = Perfectly fine (and by hint I really mean, outright made it clear)
I think a confrontation after ghosting after 2 dates is a bit much. A lot of people just see that the chemistry is not there at that point and aren’t comfortable telling that to the other person. It might not be the most courageous action but that would be what I would take away from it. And it could be another reason, like getting back together with a girlfriend, picking up on incompatibility, what have you, that they might not want to discuss after 2 dates. They just might not want to share that with you. Maybe put yourself in their hypothetical shoes and see if that changes your perspective.
If it’s someone I’ll have to see out in public again, it always makes me feel better to confront them. You do that face-to-face, usually they apologize.
Never called anyone out on ghosting (if they stoop down that low I really don’t care what else they do) but I myself never ghost, rather communicate clearly that we’re over.
I think the last one I sent ended with « …best of luck with your future endeavors. » Sounded like HR rejecting a job app.
« if anything his text confirmed he was someone I was not interested in »
I thought you were going to say the opposite , that his text confirmed he can feel hurt when he’s ghosted, like me and so I saw him in a nicer light.
Maybe these dudes are less mature like you were when you ghosted someone who I think quite rightly said to be kind in future. Ever heard of karma?
I think we need to re-evaluate what « ghosting » means. If you went out on one or two dates, it’s not ghosting, it’s just a lack of interest. If you’ve been chatting with someone and it fizzled, it’s not ghosting. If you’ve had an ongoing relationship with the expectation of future agreed-upon dates, that’s ghosting.
You not liking the guys kind message is a little revealing… ghosting happens. I’ve been on both sides too but unless we’ve talked less than 8 hours (i.e. a few days of texting or a couple of dates), I usually just disappear. If someone messages me again, I’ll be like ‘hey I think you’re great but..’. Usually they just get the hint – guess it depends on how much they like me or how desperate they are.
I tried chasing one girl down and she was finally like ‘please leave me alone’. I chased another and it led to a horrible few months of torture as she bounced me between someone she loved and someone she hated (object constancy; NPD). My lesson has been learned: if someone ghosts me, whoopdidoo. A reply isn’t that hard.
On a side note, ghosting is only when one of two things happened: you asked them a question and got no reply, OR you’ve tried twice to send them a message. If your answer is to not say anything: fuck you. Grow the hell up and be an adult – ghosting is childish af