Dating : Cold approaching at bars in 2019 is a minefield as a man. I never do it because I don’t want to be labelled as a creep

Dating : Cold approaching at bars in 2019 is a minefield as a man. I never do it because I don’t want to be labelled as a creep

In 2019, hitting on women in public settings is a real dice roll. Given the history of men taking face-to-face rejections poorly, resulting in them cursing women out, physically abusing them, or even sexually assaulting them, women rightfully have their guards up more than ever at bars and clubs. But that has made it really hard as a decent man to approach women.

The fear of rejection isn’t a big deal. Getting rejected sucks, but that’s honestly life and it goes away after a while. But, at a bar, I’m presented with three problems which have made me almost never even attempt to hook up with a girl at a bar or party.

1. If I get rejected, I don’t want to leave the party, but the party might be awkward afterwards because of it. Even if I don’t feel awkward, if she does, she will tell her friends that it was weird of me to make a move on her, and now a whole group of girls will think I’m a creep. Girls tend to take cues from each other at parties for safety reasons, so this could spread out even more.
2. If I get rejected, it’s a solid likelihood I’ll be labelled a creep because of the current climate around hook up culture is and whatnot. A rejection is fine, but spending the rest of the night feeling weird in a bar or a party because I’m being looked at as a weirdo who is harassing women is bad for my image, could get me in trouble, and just sucks to deal with.
3. Sometimes girls are just acting interested in you to get free shit. I know women personally who have told me they go to bars and seek attention from men for free drinks. I’d feel like a total chump doing that.

All of this to probably just make out with someone for the evening and be done with it. The reward for the potential risk just doesn’t seem worth it. I’d rather just go out and have fun with my friends and meet new people on a strictly platonic basis. The few bar/party hook ups I’ve had weren’t anything memorable anyway, so I’m not really missing much by doing it. I’d rather just keep to myself, and if a group of people I know introduce me to a woman or something and we’re hitting it off, that’s a different story. But I’m not gonna find a random girl and give it a shot, even if they’re seemingly « showing interest ». At bars/parties, you can’t really meaningfully tell with a consistent degree of certainty if they’re coming onto you, happened to catch your eye coincidentally, happen to be near you due to the bar/party being packed, and at a party, they may only be talking to you so you can smoke them up or something. Sometimes they make it really obvious, and when they do I’m game, but if it’s not really obvious, I could be out some money for buying drinks or sharing weed with someone for no good reason, or I could just have a really awkward night out. I wish creepy men didn’t ruin it for the rest of us, but they did, so it is what it is.

Read also  Dating : Welp. Deleted dating apps for the 800th time.

What do you think?

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  1. Hi OP, just wanted to put my opinion out there so maybe this can help. For context I’m a woman who lives in a large west coast city (don’t know if that matters).

    I have been approached by guys and if I want to talk to them it sometimes depends on my mood/situation – if I’m there with a lot of friends I usually want to focus on them more than meeting other people. However when I’m in a smaller group, I am sometimes more open to talking to a stranger or strangers depending on the situation. There were no hard feelings if I turned down someone and it wouldn’t be awkward unless the other person made it awkward. Also I have never thought a guy was creepy at a bar UNLESS:

    1) the guy tried to find excuses to touch me without me reciprocating or flirting and I show discomfort, push him away, or tell him to stop

    2) made any weird sexual comments/questions, usually over my fetishizing my appearance (ex: “you look really ___… I love __ women” or “have you ever had someone with a big __”)

    3) the guy tried really hard to pinpoint where I lived or tried to pressure me into giving my number

    4) Didn’t know when to walk away when I told him I was busy with my friends

    If a guy did any of the mentioned above, then my friends or I would tell each other to watch out for the guy. I’ve noticed that most guys that I do talk to are good at finding ways to initiate conversations, such as asking what drink I got or overhearing a certain topic that I was discussing with the bartender/friends.

    I can see how some women might judge that any guy who approaches her is creepy. Those judgmental women probably have problems and it doesn’t seem like most women are like that.

    Approaching women is hard (even for women)! I’ve been rejected by other women too (who knows, maybe some of them think I’m a creep too) and I’ve learned when someone doesn’t want to talk or exchange numbers. I back off and meet other people who are more eager to chat instead. I found that it helps when I stopped approaching others with a mindset that I’m going to connect with them and just took the time to get to know them and see where it went.

    Hope that helped! If I can answer any questions you have, LMK.

  2. Man, honestly, I’ve just given up on modern dating, and I’m all the happier for it. Even though it’s lonely, it’s simply not worth it to put forth enough effort to maybe get a maybe good result occasionally.

  3. Sorry you have to deal with this OP :/ It’s a hard world out there for decent men. All the creeps out there seem to give men in general a bad rep. It’s not your fault.

    But okay. So you want to approach a girl without coming across as creepy. Unfortunately, in today’s climate, you kind of have to go out of your way to seem non-threatening. Luckily, it’s more simple than you’d think!

    – Opening with a compliment is okay, but try not to make it about her appearance. I know you’re obviously not going to come up to a woman and say something like “Nice tits,” but even something relatively innocent like “I think you’re beautiful” is a bit strange. It signals that you’re only interested in them for their looks. If you want to compliment something that makes her unique, such as a cool thing you just saw her do, or her choice in drinks, lol.
    – A better way would be to strike up a conversation about something you have in common. Cliche, I know. But it’s cliche for a reason! Maybe you’ve read the book that she’s reading. Maybe she’s watching a sports game featuring your favorite team. Heck, maybe you see her at your favorite bar very often. At any rate, starting a conversation on something other than her appearance is a great way to open up!
    – Don’t stand too close to her too soon. Not until you start feeling genuine chemistry between you two. Unwanted physical proximity can actually set off some subconscious alarm bells in her head, especially if it’s a stranger.
    – If you’re really only talking to her to get into her pants, fine, whatever. You’re at a bar, and it’s 2019. It happens. But at least pretend to show an interest in whatever the hell she’s talking about. Even if you don’t give a damn, at least pretend to give half of one. Women are pretty used to being seen only for their bodies, so you’ll definitely stand out if you show genuine interest in her as a person! Even if you’re only pretending.
    – That whole “be a dick” mentality might see some success, but if you’re looking for something meaningful, you’re best off ditching that practice.
    – The whole rule of conversation with not just women, but anyone, is to make it 70% about them, 30% about yourself. Some of the best conversationalists I know have actually done very little talking, but when they do, they say things that make me talk more about myself. People are narcissistic by nature, especially women, lol. I say this as a woman myself. If she feels like she can talk freely around you, she’ll be more comfortable around you!

    Of course, this info might not be best for all women, because of course, the pickup game varies from person to person. But if you want to approach people without being labeled a creep, this might be a good place to start 🙂

  4. I’ve never understood cold approaches, and I understand them even less at a place like bars or clubs.

    Now, as a non-drinker, I’ve only been to a bar/club about three times now. I’m considered extremely attractive and already get a decent amount of attention during the day. But the first couple times I was catcalled continuously, grabbed at, followed, etc. The third time I was still catcalled like crazy, but men in general kept their hands to themselves.

    Personally, I come into every approach already slightly irked and guarded. It would be one thing if it were just staring and I could focus on having fun and dancing with my friends, but alcohol and the nighttime life seems to make a lot of men more brazen, and it’s not attractive whatsoever.

    So with that said, I just would never, ever want to develop anything with someone I met at the bar or club. Never mind that it’s not my kind of scene in the first place, but the environment itself isn’t exactly conducive for the manner in which I like to get to know people.

    That’s just one perspective, though. I know some women who don’t mind meeting someone, but also consider that sometimes these women are also approached by a lot of men throughout the night, and after a certain point, they just become fed up with it.

  5. It’s just generally waay better to just go out with your friends and have an awesome time than to go with the purpose of having to pick up someone. In my experience I’ve met the coolest people when I was just out having fun.

  6. Men don’t physically abuse or sexually assault women who reject them. You’ve been brainwashed by the feminised media if you believe that. Also most sexual assault allegations are found to be completely made up (this is not to take away from the cases that are completely genuine btw, they should obviously be dealt with seriously).

    Just trying to bring a dose of reality into the debate here.

  7. the trick is ….

    when you approach a woman in the club…. That IS THE FIRST DATE….

    all you want to do is demonstrate that you are a good hang…. via your presence and conversation.

  8. I relate to this feeling except not really in bars. I don’t really even see girls going to bars in hopes of getting a man to meet/ go home with. Usually they’re there to have drinks with their big groups and typically want to be left alone from my experience.

    Online is popular, and fucking difficult. I consider myself a 7-7.5 and I’ve yet to get a match since making a profile a few days ago. It’s bruised my ego but I feel like it’s a necessary tool these days but we’ll see I guess.

    I’ve met girls who definitely do the whole creep shame « #metoo im a feminist men shall never speak to me for its harassment to do so » and honestly…they’re not even attractive or decent enough to have a partner to keep sooo take that for what it’s worth.
    Some girls have anxieties, and may be uncomfortable talking in public in general and not just with you- I know wonderful people who’ve I dated who are like this.

  9. Modern dating is so messed up these days because of MeToo and dating apps, women will only take the validation when they have millions of men in line for them over Tinder or another app. It’s difficult to approach women like you said since you don’t know whether one minute she’s cordial and the next she’ll scream sexual harrassment.

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