Dating : Dating Someone You Find Unattractive
I’ve been having a slight problem recently where I really get along with a guy and he’s one of my best friends, but he’s overweight. I think he has nice natural features and I’d definitely be interested if he looked like he did five years ago, but that isn’t the case and he has no plans to start dieting. He has started pursuing me and I’m not sure what to do. I feel guilty for wishing he looked like he used to look. Do I try to date him despite these reservations? I’m actually worried about his health in the long run as well…his entire family is so so nice but they’re all overweight.
No, do not date him. I am a guy and it’s not fair to date him when you don’t find him attractive. This will only cause more problems in the future. You will probably end up being repulsed by his sexual advances and that’s not fair to him.
No need to caveat with « worried for his health » it doesn’t make you a bad people for wanting to date someone you find attractive
Don’t.
I’ve tried to date someone despite not being overly attracted to them on a physical level and believe me… It’ll catch up with you eventually and in the end… It’s just not fair to him.
He should be with someone who finds him attractive *in every aspect*.
I can relate to how conflicted you must feel but trust me, you probably won’t feel any different in the long run. We can’t decide what we find attractive or unattractive and unfortunately there’s no way to look past that and you’ll probably be put off by it at some point (the latest when things get physical). Spare him the disappointment of getting invested and then rejected.
If it’s not a clear yes, it’s a clear no.
I get how confusing this situation is. I recently went out with a good friend who I considered attractive but I didn’t really feel any sexual attraction. I felt like you, that maybe my attraction to him would change, but it didn’t. It only took 3 dates for me to realise that this was a terrible idea and I ended it. I felt like a big piece of shit because I went into dating him knowing I didn’t feel as attracted to him as I should.
I say don’t do it. Obviously it’s up to you, but it’s not fair to either of you.
You don’t have to feel guilty for not finding someone attractive and I say this as a fat guy. He might like it when you reciprocate but in the end he’ll feel betrayed when it comes out that you don’t really accept him.
That being said I’m trying to lose weight, and doing so succesfully, but a woman who loves me and encourages me to do it as well would be fantastic.
Really unpopular opinion here but if a girl I had a huge crush on told me « I really like you but I need to fancy my boyfriend and I like kinda muscley dudes – get those and I’m in » I’d be heading to the gym with a goal and a smile.
Don’t date someone with intention of changing them. If you dont like him how it is now, dont date him.
I’ve been in this situation before. To be honest, I feel liken attraction grows once you see the other great qualities of the person.
My best friend got married to a guy that wasn’t her type physically, but overtime the attraction grew and they’re so cute together. Just giving a different perspective! But, yes, most of the time if you’re not attracted AT ALL get out of it.
Then again, looks fade… I see your dilemma. If you see him and wanna fuck him you’re good! Lol
the fact that you are already questioning this already tells me you definitely shouldn’t. Plain and simple you are not attracted to him physically and if that physical factor is important to you then don’t. You’d be dating him for all the wrong reasons if physical attractiveness is an important factor to you.
I agree with the other dudes here, don’t date him. We fat guys have a niche and he’ll be alright. No need for you to struggle with someone who doesn’t want to change
Attraction needs to be mutual. If you force yourself into dating someone you don’t like you, either going to hope they change at some point, even if you know that’s unlikely, or you want to sort of acquire a taste for his appearance? I don’t think you should do that.
You could be open with him about it, I think everyone deserve honest feedback even though some won’t take it well.
Don’t do it.
I had a long distance thing with someone who was really overweight and I thought I could overcome it, but I couldn’t. I was so attracted to his personality and mind, but had zero sexual attraction to him. Luckily, it ended before he found that out.
It’s not fair to the person to pursue a relationship if you’re not attracted to them. And you may think attraction will develop over time, but it likely won’t and you may find yourself in the position of them figuring that out.
Don’t date a person you don’t find attractive. Especially if you guys are friends.
No don’t do it. It’ll will just end in both of you confused and hurt.
Don’t date him. You’ll be unhappy. And your inclination might be to nag him into better health. Then you find him binging at 2 am while you’re supposed to be asleep.
If he wants to lose weight, it will have to be 1,000% self-motivated dieting and exercise.
This has happened to me before. I tried to date someone who wasn’t my type exactly, even though I was slightly attracted to them, whether being overweight, or physically not my type, because I wanted to have a girlfriend. It never ends well. So unless he doesn’t mind it being a casual thing, and you are clear about the fact that you don’t want it to be serious, I would avoid it.
No! Do not date someone you are not attracted to. Physical attraction is an important component of any relationship.
« I would date you if you looked how you were 5 years ago (or healthier) »
wouldn’t be rude. it might be the change he needs…….
men always complain about not getting sufficient reasoning when being rejected or ghosted…..
you can probably tell him since you’re actually friends… if he’s an honest person hell respect the opinion… if he gets butthurt and tarnishes the friendship. he was a cupcake and better off not being associated with him.
I sort of agree with the rest but just let me tell a real sofort here:
A couple my parents are friends with is married for over 25 years. The guy was always into her, but he was fat and she didn’t like it because she was really sporty, even though she really valued his character. So she set him an ultimatum: either you lose weight or I won’t date you. Sounds harsh, but that’s what she intended to say.
Because he was so into her, he began to change. He dieted, worked out, worked hard, his goal to be with her.
When he asked her out the second time after months, she said yes. Now they’re married.
Remember, you shouldn’t change for anyone if you don’t want to. But I don’t think that you can apply being overweight to that. I think if you really like someone, you get your ass up from the couch and work for it. You can’t change your character but you can get fit whatsoever.
Nope. You’re not doing him any favors by enabling his unhealthy lifestyle. Tell him if he loses weight and gets in shape you will consider it
I’ve found that the more open and honest you are the easier life becomes for yourself if I were you I’d mention it in a nice way that you want the best in him and suggest he exercise and diet if he’s unwilling to do that after you’ve told him you find his weight a problem maybe he will try.
If he doesn’t want to change then move on. There’s probably things that he doesn’t like about you too so remember he will probably criticise you too if he’s willing to change for you you should be willing to do the same.
Go look at r/deadbedrooms and you’ll realize it is setting yourself up to fail longterm if you are not attracted to your partner.
Don’t date someone who you find unattractive. I made that mistake once. It was just work right from the beginning and not the good kind. I felt like I wasted that nice man’s time too. It is not worth it at all and you would ruin a friendship along the way.
The first thought is, don’t. You can’t see past his overweight so he is not going to be a good match if he keeps the weight. You never know how the future plans out. Most people don’t want to change their habits.
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On second thought, you can subtle motivate him to work out. If you workout yourself, invite him, do sports together, if he wants you, he won’t probably decline, over time he loses the weight. It’s a sacrifice he has to do to spend time with you. You spend time together and you shape him into what you believe he can be. But that’s only if you really want him and love his personality and can see yourself with him in the long run.
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You can see that you take here a higher status in the relationship. It’s not healthy and probably not good, because a partner should more be handled as an equal and not a project. If you can treat him as an equal in all other parts in the relationship and over time, he lost weight and still has an interest and pursues you, it’s a win-win.
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Personally, I like the idea to shape your partner into something better. Every relationship should do this. Instead of just taking a partner and coexisting seems boring. Make yourself better every day to become the best versions of yourself. Push limits together and maybe he will start moving his ass way more in the future and you struggle to keep up with him.
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What definitely doesn’t work is to push him into working out and you sit on the couch every day and do nothing.
You can bring it up as a friend that you’ve seen him going through a lot, hell my body has changed a lot over 5 years but so have my emotions and circumstances. See what he says when you talk it out. If you aren’t attracted to him you aren’t attracted to him. Sure some people say that comes with time but do you want to feel like you are waiting around for something to shift? I know I couldn’t date an overweight guy given how much I value fitness and health. I’d say it’s a no go and yeah you’re friends but you don’t owe him a chance cos of that.
If you know and he knows that he’s not going to find another women anytime soon, be honest with him. Most guys are unaware of their own body type. This is IF you want to date him. You like his personality, but what you don’t like is his body in general. That’s fine.
BUT if he wont change at all for you, and yes I’m a firm believable that it takes 2 for a relationship, then he’s not the one.
And the fact that he’s overweight, his family is too? You have a better chance of training a cat to fetch and bring you something before getting him to eat right. I’ve watched people say they are going to goto the gym and never do.
So if you want to torture yourself, try it, if you want to keep him as a friend, do it and just find someone else. It hurts to look at that way, but it’s mentally healthier for you.
I wouldn’t date a skinny girl no matter how pretty her face was because her face is not what turns me on it’s her body so I wouldn’t be able to do it.
Don’t do it. He won’t change. If his whole family is overweight then it’s genetic and not likely to be a fleeting problem due to depression or anything.
I’ll say no too, seems like he want sexual needs or something. I felt something, and I don’t think I like it.
Since he’s a friend maybe try to get him to do active stuff with you? I wouldn’t do this with hopes of dating him but just as a friend to help with his health overall.
Don’t date someone you aren’t attracted to in every way.
Don’t date. You’re not attracted to him physically and that’s fine. It kind of doesn’t matter what he used to look like, if you feel me; what matters is what he looks like right now, because that’s reality. And while you’re not attracted to him this way, and that’s entirely ok, he’s not doing anything wrong by being overweight. So while you may find him attractive when he’s thinner, he’s under no obligation (and has no desire) to lose weight, so there’s little chance of him returning to that body type while you’re together. Moreover, you wouldn’t enjoy things sexually and this desire to see him lose weight will likely warp your perception of the relationship, and honestly it’ll probably get pretty ugly emotionally speaking. Just tell him firmly, kindly and politely, that you’re not attracted to him physically. Do not elaborate. You aren’t obliged to, and you don’t need to justify your feelings. If you can manage to stay friends afterwards, and if you’re sincerely concerned about his health, take an interest. Check in with him to make sure he’s ok and ask if he wants to talk about anything (like not too much, just regularly and with genuine interest) and see if he opens up. if you’re a gym person, offer (but DON’T pressure) him to join you with stuff. If he’s gained a lot of weight recently it’s possible something happened in his private life to knock him down, or even if that hasn’t happened, his weight gain could be affecting his self-esteem and mental wellbeing. Just be a good friend and make sure he’s ok. If he loses weight, he loses weight. If not, you keep your friend.
Dont do it. Do not « settle for less. » I did and tried to date a woman (i am also a woman) who I wasnt 100% attracted to and it was unfair to her and myself.
She deserves someone who is 100% attracted to her. I deserve someone I am 100% attracted to. Its normal and fine.
For lack of kind or gentle phrasing, I have lost girl friends who settled for relationships with morbidly obeese unkempt abusive slobs that reek of shit and smegma and cheat on them because attractive women have given them *too much confidence* by settling for someone like them.
I got cat-fished; being forgiving I gave him a chance and went on to date him since he seemed very sweet.
Ended up breaking his heart, but could not do anything to become sexually attracted to him.
Nope, not fair to either party. Resentment will set in and will cause huge issues later on.
Well you could tell him, that you like guys that exercise and are fit, and tell him to get in shape for you
I literally just tried to do this. It doesn’t work.
No. It will cause problems and may lead to you making him feel bad about himself, even if you’d never intentionally do anything to bring him down about his appearance. It’s just usually obvious – especially in a committed relationship – when someone is lacking any physical attraction to their partner. He deserves to date someone who is attracted to him.
What if the guy (me) isn’t that attracted to person, like physically, but vibes with her really well. They click. And she isn’t too bad, just not what I hoped or imagined.
And after several failures with attractive girls, just wants to see how things go. Is it still unfair?
You still want some level of physical attraction, because let’s say you « settle » for dating him because he has a good personality. But if you don’t like touching him, kissing him, getting naked with him, that will do worse to him than if you just tell him now that you’re not interested.
This works the same even if he isn’t overweight but you don’t feel any chemistry with him.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you won’t be attracted to either type of person in the future. It just means you are not attracted now, and that is important to express to the other person now.
My thing with overweight guys is, would they still date you if you looked like them? Like I’ve met so many fat dudes that don’t date girls that are even slightly chubby. I get offended like, how the hell you think you can get me? But guys can get away with this mentality if they have $$$. And really, women are to blame for this. You don’t see hot guys dating fat rich women, is my point. Men still, no matter what go after what they find physically appealing.
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Women need to start doing the same shit.
It’ll end badly. I sometimes gain weight when I throw myself into work – it messes with attraction too. Personally I don’t mind bigger girls as long as they’re cute in the face & have a nice personality. I also know when I’m close to my BMI I go up 2 points in hotness and get attention from lots of girls that wouldn’t date me at 10-15lbs heavier. I don’t like it but I get it, I guess.
You *have* to be attracted to the person you’re dating… but attraction can grow, too, so I’m torn on this one. Is there a baseline of attractiveness there? Do you imagine yourself kissing him?
Dont date him if you aren’t attracted to him. That will only get his hopes up and then crush them of he ever finds out.
He deserves to be with someone who is attracted to him. How would you feel if someone dated you when they weren’t attracted to you?
Don’t do it. Things will start progressing and it will get harder to break things off in a nice way. Physical attraction can’t be forced IMO; it’s there or it isn’t.
Best to end it now whilst there’s still a chance for an amicable parting.
Just tell him to lose weight if you’re truly his friend and you should be able to be upfront and honest with him.Tell him that he’s really letting himself go