Dating : Does Being to Vulnerable seem Pathetic?
A little background:
I’m 23M and I recently moved across the country for my first job out of college. I’ve made a couple « friends » up here, but they rarely want to actually hang out and do things, so I’ve been pretty lonely/sad. I decided to join a couple of the dating apps and test the waters a little bit. I have almost no dating history/experience because for years I was overweight and had no confidence, but both of those things have changed a good bit over the last year.
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Anyways, I met up with this girl that I’d matched with yesterday. I had a work thing to do midday, so I figured we could hang out in the morning and explore the city a little bit (she just moved up too). I wasn’t sure what to expect, but we got along pretty well and seemed to like each other. After I got back from my work thing, I foresaw me getting sad spending another Saturday night alone, so after **MUCH** contemplation and second-guessing, I invited her over to my place. We ended up making smores together and cuddled while we watched some movies and talked. I wanted to make sure she didn’t feel pressured or weird about anything, and I’m not one to quickly push towards physical intimacy, so I didn’t make any « moves », but as the night went on, she sidled up really close to me and rested her head on my chest while we held hands and my other arm was around her.
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It was really sweet, but due to my general awkwardness/not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable, I didn’t really know what to do afterwards, so after the movie was over she said she was really tired and went home. I wanted to say something like, « I’ve been a little sad and really lonely since I moved up here, so being with you instead of being alone was really nice. » She seems really sweet so I think she might understand, but I feel like it just sounds kind of pathetic, so when she left we just hugged and I said something like, « I really liked spending time with you today, and I’ll text you soon. »
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So I guess I’m just wondering if its wise to be this vulnerable/honest this soon after we just met. We’ve talked a little and gotten along pretty well, but we haven’t talked about anything deep or serious yet.
Vulnerable can seem pathetic, but it can also cause a really close personal connection. My last ex and I let ourselves be very vulnerable around each other emotionally early in. And we fell in love hard and fast. It was absolutely fantastic, and I don’t regret it at all.
It depends on the person. Not being vulnerable can also make you seem unapproachable and not really much of a relate-able person.
Finally being too vulnerable — you can end up wording things badly and sound desperate — which is usually a red flag for most girls.
I think you did well, and don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re human. Everyone wants attention and to feel valued. 🙂
Brene Brown says it really well, vulnerability without boundaries leads to distrust, disengagement and disconnection. Being vulnerable, but having boundaries, is courageous.
For example, it takes courage and you being vulnerable to say what you actually did. You could have probably upped it a little by asking her out again on the spot.
What you were considering probably crossed a first date level boundary though. If you end up dating for a couple months, maybe that’s something to reveal after the fact when the boundary lines are different.