Dating : Finding a kindred spirit (question/advice)
Hey everyone,
**Word of warning: long-winded post**
So I (20M) haven’t been in a relationship with anyone, especially with a guy. One could say I’m a late bloomer, or it’s merely that a special someone hasn’t crossed into my life as of now. It hasn’t been an entirely big deal that it’d be worth making a fuss about except that I felt my loneliness (not to be confused with being alone) kept rearing its ugly head, since the start of this year. It was enough to go start re-seeing my university counselor/therapist recently, who she told me that my loneliness was very telling about me, after seeing her for a couple of sessions last year. Still my loneliness became a fuel to motivate myself through the semester to get all my assignments and exams out of the way, and hopefully, give me time to reflect on my feelings after.
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In the spare time that I was able to mull over and deconstruct my feelings through browsing online forums that described similar feelings, I’ve stumbled across platonic cuddling. Safe to say, it piqued my interest, and the concept of it quite intriguing, to be physically (or emotionally if it came to that) affectionate with someone who you are comfortable trusting. Had one male friend in mind to ask that I on some level trust, to be open-minded at the very least though he probably politely rejected at the offer (understandable), though it gave me some understanding as to how this can be a hard thing to do, nonetheless, understand for most people.
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Exploring further into platonic cuddling as I’ve researched more and more, I’ve eventually found myself in a position where I deeply crave for the desire of looking for cuddle buddies. I’ve never really been physically/emotionally affectionate with any one when I was a wee child, at least, not that I can remember, so I guess it was interesting… unlocking a part of myself I didn’t knew existed. Even more, was finding out what I was comfortable and boundaries were, to the point of a romantic friendship (!!!) in which I found to be most desirable for me: cuddling/snuggling, spooning, holding hands, kisses on forehead/cheeks/neck… minus the sex and thought of a relationship. Essentially, it was a friendship where it had the romantic elements it… well, almost. Interesting to say the least, that I tried searching for guys who may share the same sentiment online, had meet-ups with the ones interested, but never going further to what I wanted. Either I thought we wouldn’t work out (sexual guy and a non-sexual guy) to guys who were merely curious to the idea as they’ve never heard of it, but were understandably uncomfortable in doing it after some reflection.
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Figuring out my peculiar desires, sex never really crossed my mind, even hoping at the thought for one. It was as if it sex was completely foreign to me. Now, for the record, I’m a 20M gay guy and never really have I felt sexually attracted to anyone, at least, remember the last time I felt it. It was this I realized I was a homoromantic grey asexual. It was this, that all the dots started lining up. Of course, all the parts and plumbing were all working fine, but it’s as if I didn’t care for it. As much as it answered some questions that I’ve been wondering myself, it led to even more questions and this is where the nitty gritty stuff comes into play…
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**How on earth do I meet guys who feel the same way?** It didn’t help I had my preferences (average joe-to masculine guys) but I wanted to cuddle with a guy whom I could feel safe, protected and confident but importantly, a guy who’s very open, secure, and could completely understand the sentiment that sex and intimacy can be mutually exclusive. I didn’t care of the orientation, but what I cared about, was the physical and emotional intimacy. And if it somehow progressed into much more, I wouldn’t have any qualms about it (though my sexual orientation has made me feel finding love to be like expecting a win for the Chicago cubs, so whilst I’m open, I’m not actively looking to date)
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I had felt frustrated one time, feeling I was inadequate to feel like most other people would do (be sexually and romantically attracted to someone) that I was somehow « allowing » myself to feel this way, that I was merely shooting myself in the foot. But I just can’t bring myself to be sexually attracted like a guy… WITH a guy. How can most guys be able to juggle with that dilemma? Having to be satisfied with a highly likely sexless romantic relationship (if it came to that). It was something that made me feel queasy, that it sounded so emasculating, and I wouldn’t place blame on guys who’d drop like flies if they were interested in me, upon learning I was a grey asexual.
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Apologies for the relatively long post, but I just felt it wouldn’t be healthy to keep this bottled up inside me.
