Dating : « Friends?! »
About a week ago I posted asking for opinions on a guy who has a lot of friends who are women. The feedback I got was mostly that unless he gives me reason to be suspicious, don’t worry. So I didn’t. I also have friends who are men and let it go.
However, now I’d like some input on some specifics of one of the friendships.
Short backstory. I’m 33/f, he’s 35/m. Fairly new relationship but we both decided we’re exclusive. Our kids have casually met. (We did a meet-up at a popular park and our kids hit it off, played for 2 hours.)
About a week ago he had plans to go out with one of his friends who is a single woman. He didn’t think I wanted to do anything because I had my kids. But they went to bed early and my mom was free to babysit so I asked if he wanted to grab drinks. He canceled his plans and we went out. Ok-appreciated that.
About 5 days later I’m at work, he’s off and he says he’s going to have lunch at a fancy sushi restaurant with a lady he works with. He bought her a bottle of her favorite wine and they drank the whole thing. Afterwards on his way home he stopped by my work and dropped off coffee for me.
On Friday night he picked me up and we went out. On our way out, he tells me that the girl he went to lunch with might be meeting us out with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend who does not at all approve of their friendship. He said he was joking with her about how he better not end up getting in a fight because of her. She told him (my guy) not to text her that night because she didn’t want her boyfriend to see they were talking. So he says to me that her boyfriend better get over it because he’s not going anywhere. Ummm- how about if her boyfriend doesn’t like it, tell her to make it right? Or respect her boyfriend and don’t go out alone with her?
So while we were out she texted him and he texted her back. He had his phone on the bar so I could see one text where he said, « I never got to give you your birthday hug! 😔 » I didn’t see what she said back but I also saw where they both said I love you. 😑
I asked him, semi-joking, if they were fucking and he laughed and said no. Then later in the conversation I made a comment about his girlfriend. Meaning her, because she had come up again. He stopped and goes, « wow I can’t believe you said that. » But we laughed it off and it wasn’t mentioned again.
Spent time together last night and she wasn’t mentioned.
Today while I was at work, he tells me that she was « begging » for him to call out of work and go to the beach with her. He said she tried everything, every guilt trip she could come up with to get him to do it but he said no. I mentioned how it didn’t seem like a good beach day (weather wise) and he said, « or you just don’t want me to go to the beach with my girlfriend? » I said wow, I got nothing. He said me either. So then I said, « ok I do feel very strange about the situation. But it’s not a conversation for text. I don’t care if you go to the beach. » He said it seems like we have to have a conversation then. And I said yeah I think we do.
There was a pause in our texting conversation for about 40 minutes after that and then we continued to chat as normal until he had to go into work.
He was upfront with me and told me that he has a lot of friends who are women but they’re all platonic and it used to cause a big problem with his ex (of 15 years.) I am ok with friends but am I wrong to think this seems overboard? He mentions other girls who he talks to / is friends with and I am ok with it. How do I express that I feel uncomfortable with this one girl (like I am going to have to compete for attention) I would kind of like to meet her so I can see how it is in person but I don’t know how to say that. We haven’t officially had the relationship talk…but we did say we aren’t seeing anyone else.
There comes a point when reading a question like this when becomes clear that it’s not the evidence that matters, but the ACCUMULATION of evidence that matters. This guy could be completely honest, open, and truthful about his relationships but it doesn’t matter: they obviously bug you.
A lot.
That’s not to say he isn’t innocent: if you’re in a relationship that you want to succeed but your behavior -including other friendships- bother your partner, you have to decide which is more important, your partner or your behavior. Maybe he hasn’t thought of it in such stark terms (cause guys are often oblivious to such things) but it’s getting to you.
So what to do?
1- tell him to make a choice
2- break up (and disclose in future relationships this one didn’t work out because he had a lot of female friends)
3- see a couples counselor
4- all three.
Good luck.
From your last post, I thought that maybe you were insecure cause it’s a new relationship. But, now I agree that this is kind of uncomfortable? It’s nice that he’s not secretive about it, but the physical intimacy and flirting would not be okay with me.
I’d tell him it makes you uncomfortable and it’s not something you’re willing to compromise on. He needs to set some boundries with his « girlfriend » if he wants to keep you around. Your comfort in the relationship is important, you should feel secure in you position as his romantic interest.
Personally, I’m kind of paranoid about men cheating due to my family situation so I may be biased. But if he’s sensing that it makes you uncomfortable and is instead himself upset (« wow I cant believe you said that »), it’s a bit of a red sign.
Don’t worry. You knew that he had a lot of female friends to begin with. Yet he chose to pursue you romantically. You’re either gonna have to get over it or find someone else.
Well you gotta look at it from his perspective. She feels bad about me talking to a friend that’s a girl and has a boyfriend, is she going to be like this with everyone? He even said he has past experience with a girl having a problem with it. He just has a lot of female friends if that bothers you now even if you say it’s just this one girl it will forever bother you and you have to decide if you want to put up with that or not. Otherwise he’s gonna feel like you are taking away his freedom and that’s how you start to go downhill real fast, especially prior to having actual labels.
Your boyfriend is a tool. He must be quite the ladies man given that he has two girlfriends and a bunch of other girls who are in his orbit. I gather that no matter how uncomfortable you are about this, you probably won’t be able to detach from him. I wonder how his relationship with the mother of his child ended…