Dating : Guy I met on first date didn’t post photos/tell me how fat he is
Matched with this guy on Tinder. We chat for weeks, he’s nice, funny and charming and takes the effort and time to regularly talk, text and get to know each other better. In one of his pics, he did seem on the heavier side. But when we finally met face to face this week, I was taken aback at how fat he really is, with a huge hanging belly to boot. On our date, he mentioned a few times at how surprisingly slim I was in person and that I look way better than my photos.
If the man is particular about the aesthetic standards of his girl, shouldn’t the standards apply both ways? Our date went well enough except that he said he liked me a lot and brought up the topic of marriage and having kids right away (not a bad thing necessarily) but also about wanting sex and enjoying orgasms a few times, which made me feel uncomfortable.
I left feeling very confused and did not meet him again. Should I have given this another chance irrespective of his physicality and conversation… still confused.
EDIT: I think I need to add some points here after reading the replies (thank you everyone that did!).
* We were chatting for a long time before meeting in person: so we did talk about sex (no sexting though) but the way he brought it up in person still put me off; it was like he was just pushing for it to to happen and happen quickly.
* I wasn’t so much put off by the fact that he’s overweight than that he chose not to mention it even once, not even in a roundabout way. It was also stark especially since he seemed thrilled that I turned out to be quite slim IRL (he said I appeared bulkier in my photos).
* Yeah he knew that I don’t have kids before we met. Also, when I’d asked him in our initial days of chat about what he was looking for on Tinder/expected out of dating, he said he just wanted to see where it went without any expectations. In person, he brought up the marriage and kids topic right away.
* I wonder if racial dynamics had something to do with this situation: he’s white american, I’m brown asian. He may have thought that his weight and appearance, unacceptable to white or western women might be overlooked by an asian girl, for whatever reasons he may have surmised. Again, this is just my assumption – I have no way to confirm this.
cant force yourself to be attracted to him if you really aren’t. he did kinda lie to you. on top of that hes talking about marriage/kids, sex/orgasms on a first date! i would not see him again for that stuff rather than his weight.
No if you ain’t feelin’ it.
Also, what type of person talks about marriage/kids on a first date. Seems socially inept.
Move on.
Don’t do it. He lied from the jump and you owe him nothing. Move on and find someone actually trustworthy
Next his ass
It’s hypocritical. If you ask a man about his horror stories when dating he will 80% of the time mention “I was catfished” if you ask anyone who dates men the same question they’ll list a plethora of examples and they won’t even be physical.
He lied about his appearance and brought up sex without you prompting it. Red flags and that doesn’t get better.
Irrespective of the physical, perhaps. Mentioning marriage, kids and organs on date #1, no…
Absolutely not. Always trust your gut . He played you and thought he could manipulate you into overlooking the fact he misrepresented his looks. The talk about orgasms really sounds odd and cringy.
It sounds like you have bigger (sorry) issues than his weight. You’re uncomfortable that he hid his weight from you. That’s fair, because, in a way, he tricked you into dating him. That’s a terrible feeling and not a good way to start a date. You’re uncomfortable that he talked about marriage and children. That’s fair, you don’t know this person very well. He made graphic sexual comments to you that made you feel uncomfortable. That’s fair. I like to live by the advice, « If it’s not a fuck yeah!, it’s a no. » So, you made the right decision.
That being said, I’m a big dude (6’4″, 400+ lbs.) and dating can be extra hard and shitty for us because there are certain stereotypes we have to overcome (like that we’re lazy). So, I can understand why he might downplay his size, but I don’t agree with it, and you certainly don’t have to accept it.
It comes down to this. You’re attracted to his personality, clearly. Are you attracted to his body? If you are, maybe you should give him another chance, and see if he can redeem himself. If you’re not, then you shouldn’t, and you shouldn’t feel bad about that, because it’s no different than if you weren’t attracted to him for any other reason.
Run.
I remember two guys who insisted on getting updates pics from me, and after chatting for a bit, they sent me pics of what they really look like, one added about 40lbs and the other added about 80lbs. I’m actually fine with guys being overweight, I actually prefer that. But what turned me off was the expectation that I prove I wasn’t lying when it was clear that they were.
It doesn’t sound like you’re rejecting him for his weight. He made you uncomfortable with his topics of conversation as well. Trust your gut. You don’t have to keep seeing someone you’re unsure about just because you don’t want to be superficial. You don’t have to give people a chance. Your wishes matter too.
Maybe he didnt realize he gained weight. With that being said if your not attracted to him, move on. You should get snapchat or something so you can share recent pics so its not such a surprise when you meet someone
Fat people who talk about orgasms on the first date are disgusting.
I’m not fat a I don’t go for fat girls, you can’t help what you are attracted too.
Ya you should totally give him another chance but also be honest to him about how his deceit and comments made you feel. After you have told him these things, if he errors again in the same way then no mercy should be shown. However if he errors is a different way, again you must institute correction upon his character. I recommend reading The Art Of War by Sun Tzu for more information on effectively managing relationships, both with allies and adversaries.
Thats weird girl, and youre totally justified in feeling everything you do. You did nothing wrong!
I don’t think sex is necessarily a bad thing to talk about on a first date. Don’t buy into the puritanical hype that it somehow is.
I think marriage and kids is something different. It requires greater commitment than say sex. So he could just be a nice guy looking for a deeper connection, could be a red flag.
With that said if you’re not attracted to him, you’re not attracted to him. Harsh but true.
Have you ever heard of the term « a diamond in the rough »? Perhaps if you like the inside of him you’d be willing to help him with the outside. There is no better motivator than an intimate workout partner, hell, you may even save his life by guiding him into a healthier lifestyle.