Dating : Help me understand the dating game, I don’t get it. [vent]
Why is it that every post, article, video, etc. I’ve read online mention the same, or have similar, tips for finding relationships yet are fairly uncommon in a world where relationships are fairly common?
In other words, why do I have to be very confident, dedicated to self-improvement, secure with myself, great listener, warm, *and* workout a ton in order to find a relationship? If that were the criteria, **most** of the people I know (both men and women) wouldn’t ever have relationships. This probably will come off as dickish, but I know *plenty* of super insecure, unconfident, lazy, out of shape, selfish, inflexible, unstable people who’ve had a handful of great relationships & get flirted with often. I can’t say I’m « » » »better » » » » than these people, as I can say I’m pretty insecure, could use confidence, and overthink everything to the point of lowkey insomnia. But I’m here trying–doing everything from working out daily, to taking cold showers for the past couple months, you name it. Never had luck, to this day I’m 24 and still a virgin, and never had a first kiss.
I understand its a numbers game, but as an example: one of my homies is cool with me but verbally abuses his girl, is unstable, and lies a ton (wouldn’t be surprised if he physically abused her as well, but won’t pursue that until there’s some kind of evidence of course). I’ve talked to him about it, and have talked to his girl asking if anything sus has happened, both says things are fine (even tho what I’m *actually seeing* is way different than what they’re saying). His girl, no lie, is top 3 most beautiful women I’ve ever seen IRL and she really loves him… having that happen right in front of my face while I’m still sitting here single really gets to me. Makes me really feel like trash… had to ask myself many times if I come off *that* bad, even tho on paper, let’s be real, there’s no way she or any woman would pick him over me. (Yes I know how saying this makes me look here, I consciously do not try to come off that way irl).
Anyway, as y’all can probably tell I’m pretty angry and confused about this whole thing. I’m often told that I just need to work on myself, be confident about who I am, blah blah. Most of the people I know in relationships don’t try those things at all. My question is why does this happen? Obviously, this has something to do with me, but like…what? I know I have anxiety, but there’s no way someone would know that until getting to know me (which never gets that far). Background: 24M, black, 5’8 », in decent shape, well groomed, good sense of style, college educated, employed with an okay job. (Maybe I’m just secretly too short and hideous lol)
TLDR: Don’t understand why people always tell me to improve myself to start dating when most people I know in relationships don’t really try to self-improve at all. Why is that?
You sound like me man. I’m 31 and don’t have much experience with dating or relationships either but it’s mostly because I never really tried and was addicted to porn that kept me as a recluse in my twenties. (If you watch porn, that’s step one, QUIT, I know that also files under the things that people that don’t seem to have issues dating can get away with but it’s just an unhealthy habit to have). My best friend has never had to approach a woman in his life and he’s never been single more than a few months. I can’t fucking stand it.
The best advice I can give is just keep your head up, you’re still really young. Really put your focus elsewhere for awhile, like literally forget about tryin to date and find a passion to work on or start a business or learn a new hobby to go all in on. Also, look into Semen Retention. I know it might sound corn at first but t really helps you feel better and there are also benefits of attraction and magnetism. And if being a virgin is still really bothering you, either hire an escort or ask your friends if they know anyone that could help deal with that. I know my advice probably doesn’t sound too different from others but try to find joy in what you do have, and not what you don’t.
Congratulations. You’re starting to see through the bullshit. Next I want you to look at all the guys you know who do well with women. Then look at all the guys who do poorly. Put them in two groups and compare.
– What are the races on average of the successful men vs the unsuccessful ones?
– How tall are they on average in each group?
– How handsome?
– How muscular?
– How rich?
– Which group contains the more aggressive/dangerous men and which the more deferrent?
Start looking at those types of factors and you’ll start to figure out what matters.
I’ll give you a hint to get started. One dating study found around 40% of women say a man who is 5’8″ is unacceptably short to date. So your friend who’s 5’11 »? He’s got almost double the dating pool you do right off the bat.
The more you come to understand factors like this the more you’ll realize 90% of advice in dating is bullshit people tell themselves to make themselves feel good about the world or to sell lies to short ugly men who want hope rather than truth.
Most of the men I’ve known who have been successful with women had terrible personalities as well. Cruel, sadistic, alcoholic, you name it. Some women even find that attractive. More than will admit it.
When you look at the truth I can’t promise you you’ll like what you see. But at least it’s real and not a feel good fantasy.
lol. Man, I could lie my way into a relationship and have one next week. It would be a shitty relationship, I’d be a shitty person, and she’s probably be shitty too (at least by the time I was done with her). But I don’t. Why? Because I’m not a shitty person. I don’t want a shitty relationship, and I don’t want to date shitty people. So when you see relationships with a whole lot of SHIT – guess what? That’s exactly what it is.
Don’t worry about other people – you do you. You can always get shittier if that’s what you want. You’ll fit right in. Me? I work on self-improvement. I’m always trying to better myself and don’t like to settle for less than I deserve. I’m fine being single. If I want, there are plenty of girls I can hook up with but that’s just not my thing. I only do it when I’m really, really bored or lonely.
So lose the attitude or join the rest of your shitty friends with their shit relationships. Toxic ones are toxic for a reason, but guess what – they’re also addictive. People that don’t know their worth buy into the lies and keep waiting for empty promises to *finally* be revealed. Is that what you want? Is that who you want to be?
So if you really want someone good, you need to be as good if-not-better. And get some experience. Maybe you should date a few crappy girls just to degreen your ears. I’m 5’7″, had 3+ serious relationships, and a ton of flings – and I used to be a total turd. Idk what your deal is except maybe your attitude, how you show up, and where you meet (or aren’t meeting) women. Having the balls to approach/pique someone’s interest takes guts – maybe you should stop complaining and start *actually* helping yourself find a girlfriend. The alternative is turning 25 and still acting/feeling the same. Then 26. Then 27, and so on.
You sound too jaded. Lighten up a bit, have fun. Not every girl will like you, but that’s okay cause they don’t have to like you, as long as you like yourself you’ll eventually find girls who will like you and they’re the ones you should focus on.
Honestly, take it easy and have fun. Don’t take rejection personally and focus on positive interactions, even if they mean nothing. Take it one day at a time.
i think you’re trying too hard.
message me