Dating : How difficult is it to let someone know you’re no longer interested in pursuing them?

Dating : How difficult is it to let someone know you’re no longer interested in pursuing them?

This is a long one, sorry. I (24f) ended a relationship with someone back in September and got back into the dating pool around December. Re-downloaded Tinder and all that. One day as I was casually swiping people left and right I came across a guy I know/recognized. Now for some context, I work in a restaurant. This guy (26m) (I’ll name him A) was a regular at the place (for over 2-3 years) and I’ve always found him very, very attractive. I work as a sushi chef/cook so any social interactions with him is pretty much limited to some eye contacts here and there (it was easier because he always eats by himself). So when I came across his Tinder profile I was pretty stoked to know he was looking as well and obviously I swiped right on him and we get a match. The first message he sent  »Are you that cute chef from ***? ». Obviously this got me all excited because the mutual attraction is there and confirmed, and we proceeded to have pleasant conversations and banter for the next two days before setting up a date at a restaurant. Date day arrives and everything went as well as I would hope for. We have some interests in common, he is introverted and laid-back and easy-going as I am which I appreciated. The date went well overall with some little awkward moments here and there but I didn’t mind it and he didn’t seem to be bothered by it either. I had to work the next day, and so ended the evening with a hug before parting ways. He came to my workplace to eat the next day which I thought was cute and endearing, and we kept in touch for the next couple of days.

Now I probably will get hate for this but I was trying out the ‘casually seeing multiple people at the same time », and so I was already seeing another guy (I’ll name him B) a month before I matched with A. After my first date with A, I never really planned on planning another date with him as I felt like my relationship with B grew more serious. About a week after my date with A, B asks if I wanted to make things exclusive, to which I said yes. Naturally, I stopped talking to A gradually, but never took the time to mention or explain to him that I got exclusive with someone else because I didn’t felt like it was necessary yet. But A never messaged me back or make further plans either which I thought was slightly strange but I didn’t mind or think much of it as I was committing myself to B anyway. We pretty much mutually stopped messaging each other and that was that. That was around January.

Fast-forward to May, things with B didn’t work out so I’m yet again back in the dating pool and on dating apps. I’m on Tinder again swiping my time away and look who I come across, A! (I deleted the account when I got with B, so any matches or conversations is completely erased). Swiped right on him once again not having much expectations from it this time, and get matched a second time. Immediately we talk about the fact that we mutually stopped messaging each other back in January, in a light-hearted manner, to which I explained that I was seeing someone else and all. I never got an explanation for his side of things though, but he all he said to me was that he felt the timeframe where we didn’t speak was too big and it felt too late for him to message me back and apologized for it. I thought it was a weird excuse but I didn’t think of it much. Then *he* went to set another date with me within an hour after reconnecting.

Our second date (at another restaurant) again went very well, and honestly felt like it was the first date as we had to re-learn about each other since some time has passed in-between and we kinda just forgot about details about each other. This time though I could feel strong chemistry between us. Long eye contacts and all, tension was almost palpable. Gave me a good feeling. After the restaurant, I was ready to say goodbye but then he suggested to go for dessert. I was a little surprised because my expectations were a little low as the thought of him never messaging me back in January still lingered in the back of my mind, but I went with it and we went to a dessert place. While there we talked some more and at some point we talked about a show that we both watch. Our date was a day before the finale, so me trying to be sneaky I told him that I usually watch it with my friend, but they were gone for the weekend and I didn’t have the TV network at home to watch it, and pretended to be sad about not being able to see the finale when it airs. My plan went as I’d hope for and he asked me if I wanted to watch it with him back at his place and I agree happily (felt a little guilty doing that). Though he told me that it might not be possible as his family may be coming over to his place for dinner. Well his family came over the next day during the evening which cancels our plans, but I’m okay with it because him attempting to invite me over was enough to make me happy (yes I know I’m desperate).

Couple of days later, I invited him to a movie date which he excitedly agreed to. Again, everything goes well, and after the movie he walked me to my car and we talked for a little bit. He then asked me if I wanted to hang out and spend time with him on Saturday since he off of work. I didn’t expect it but I answered yes and I’m thinking, man this guy is actually interested! Any doubts I have been having about it is erased. So we hugged it off once again and part ways. Saturday rolls in, and we haven’t really texted each other since the movie date but I’m fine with it because I’m not a big texter and he doesn’t seem to be one either. I waited for him to message first since he was the one who made plans to see me, but evening was closing in and still no updates from him, so I decided to message him first. At this point, I have a feeling that he was about to ditch the plans, and that’s exactly what he did – says he was tired and got called into work the next morning. Well I don’t know about the tired part but the working next morning was legitimate and confirmed so at least I know he had some reasons. But I was still pretty disappointed because I was looking forward to seeing this guy. Now, since the ball was (and still) in his court, I decided that the best course of action was to let him re-plan another date. Well it’s almost been 3 weeks now and I still have not heard from him since.

I don’t like being that person who keeps insisting and coming off as clingy/desperate, so I told myself to just let it go completely… but I kinda gave in. Basically I sent him a light-hearted short message politely and respectfully telling him to let me know if he’s still ever interested in seeing me and if for whatever reason he isn’t anymore, that I understand and will move on, and that he doesn’t need to justify anything. I don’t like when things linger with no conclusion, so all I was asking for was a simple yes or no so that I could move on to something else. I told him I didn’t want us to leave things the way we did just like in January.

Well, to my disappointment, my confidence and hopes of getting an answer back got shot down with a *’* ✓ *Seen* ‘ on facebook that’s been staring back at me in the face since last week…

I am legitimately confused, because this guy has been expressing genuine interest in me but then suddenly completely ignores me the next second… I’ve honestly been thinking about all the possibilities that could’ve resulted in this because I just don’t understand it, I don’t understand how difficult it is to say tell someone you don’t want to pursue them anymore? Maybe the tables have turned and he’s getting exclusive with someone else, but that shouldn’t be hard to tell me since I told him that that was my case when we stopped talking in January. Maybe I said something weird during the dates that put him off, or that he’s cheating and he’s feeling guilty but I don’t think that’s the case. Maybe he simply isn’t interested but that goes against the things that I noticed him do or say. I had another situation with a former FWB that ended the same way, it was all fun and excitement and then next thing I know, complete disinterest and I cannot for the life of me get an answer or a clear explanation (or at least a very unclear half-assed answer).

Being ghosted happens to everybody, it’s shitty, and I get it. What I don’t get is that I took the time to let this guy know that he didn’t need to justify or explain himself if he didn’t feel like seeing me anymore. I made it clear that I was ready to take any answer he’d give me and react accordingly. Because I understand that rejecting someone might feel uncomfortable to some people, and I want to avoid that for them, but still, no answer at all. Lol. Things are left in limbo again. I’m still trying to figure it out, or maybe I’m wasting my time because there’s no logic to be understood behind this behaviour. All I wanted was some peace of mind…

He has also not deleted me anywhere on social media and has kept me in his friends list still, which confuses me even more, but alright I guess…

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tldr; Guy I went on a few dates with, who seemed genuinely interested, suddenly stops messaging me at all, even though I let him know that I’ll take whatever answer he has when I asked him to let me know whether or not he still wants to pursue things with me. Has kept me in his friends list on social for some reason.