Dating : I [22M] went out with a girl [23F] for lunch unexpectedly and have been catching feelings for her since we met.
Here are the people involved in this story:
Person | Age | Description
——–|——-|————-
Me | 22 | Uni student, in University X.
Nancy | 23 | Uni grad, interning in her field.
#Preamble
Nancy is a friend of a friend and quite possibly one of the kindest people I know. She and I have known each other for 3 months and we’ve mostly met at hikes and parties. NEVER hung out alone. We spoke about a lot at the ~5 events we met in groups, everything from relationships to other stuff.
#The first one on one – Pt 1
My friends and I donate clothing and other essentials to homeless in Calgary every summer. Nancy seemed like someone who would be down for this, so I invited her and she accepted.
After the event, everyone started heading home except me (I did not want to spend more money as I already was going to dinner later in the day). Nancy remembered she left her scarf in my car, so she came with me.
Eventually, we went out to Lunch together. I wasn’t even thinking this would happen, but I was glad we went to a lunch spot with privacy screens where we could talk in private.
#What we spoke about – Pt 2
We started talking about what’s changed since we last saw each other. At first, it was just the usual but then I started following a good friend’s advice and it worked:
> Just listen to her if she’s talking to you. Don’t give any advice unless she specifically asks you. Keep your posture straight and listen, just listen.
I listed to her, for *two whole hours*. She just talked about her life, what she’s going through, the works. It was nothing major btw, just life.
As she got talking about her dating life, she said she’s never had a boyfriend, just regular flings and shitty partners that were borderline cheating on her. I had verbatim same experiences and let her know.
Anyways, she paid for my bill and said I could get the next one. Then she joked « Is there going to be a next time? » and I joked back « Uh no way! Not with you! ». She asked for my advice on two unrelated topics, and I gave it to her only because she explicitly asked. We had a good 3 hour lunch and I dropped her off. Overall, I felt that she was someone I want to see more often and this is the first time I got butterflies for someone after my crappy ex (I dated other girls in the meantime, but this one was different).
#Message I sent to her after hanging out
Here is the message screenshot that I sent after a few hours of seeing her. I am blue.
# My questions/concerns
Question | Details | My concern
——–|——-|————-
1. I want to ask her out, but I have a feeling she isn’t into me?| It’s a fact of life, not everyone will be into me. | What if she thinks I am too straightforward? I want to go out with her, I juat want to tell her I think we get along well and we should date/go out more often.
2. My friend suggested to take things slow and hang out with her more before I ask her to go out. I personally disagree, is this a bad thing? | I think if I do this then I will be wasting both our times because I am going out as friends but I have feelings for her. | What if she says « I don’t see you as that way » and ends up never speaking to me?.
3. I am putting this girl on a pedestal and it’s not a good thing….or is it? | Maybe because I’ve been hurt since my ex, maybe because my confidence is at 70%, but I feel like she is one of a kind| This will make me more stressed out and I am already feeling like I am somehow worth « less » than her.
What would you do in my situation? I am inexperienced and would love to hear more from everyone here. Thank you in advance!
TL;DR 22M likes 22F girl that is a friend of a friend. They went on a 1 on 1 lunch and he is into her. Wants to know what to do to get to know her better.
Beautiful formatting I do not have relationship experience but I do wish u the best
lots of love from Peru
Ask for another date next week. Then put her on the shelf until then. Don’t spend hours of your time messaging her. Send a confirmation text the morning before.
I can tell you that if you’re this massively over-invested and this obsessive after just one meeting, and this desperate to avoid rejection, things aren’t working in your favor.
Rejection isn’t something you have any control over. Worry about it or else don’t worry, it happens anyway because you can’t force people to like you any more than you can force them to like pineapple on their pizza either they like it or they don’t. Either they’re interested in you or they’re not. Indulging in all kinds of mental gymnastics to try to convince them to stick around just makes you look and act foolish. So why waste your time contemplating it and dreading it? You can only accept the possibility with dignity, graciousness and stoicism. Or else you can struggle vainly and futiliy to avoid it, creating more misery for yourself than you need.
You’re desperate and nobody likes being around desperation. It’s not a good vibe. You wouldn’t like it if she acted this way towards you. You wouldn’t like it if you found out someone you barely knew was obsessing about you for hours every day, despite you doing very little towards them, and writing elaborate posts on the internet about you for no reason you could think of.
Cut that crap out. The cure for desperation is to invest more of your time and energy messaging other members of the opposite sex and trying to set up dates with them.
She’s done very little to earn this level of your valuable time energy and obsessive thought.
You’d do well to set up another date, then put her back up on the shelf for a couple of days. Meanwhile, approach other women and messaging them.
man I don’t know how to advise you but I just want to say I love how you laid everything out in such a visually appealing and easy-to-read way.
best wishes!
infatuation tackles everyone at the beginning. enjoy the feeling, but understand that it is transitory. what rises after it is the real deal.
you seem to be overthinking this. just hang out with her some more. i mean, ask yourself: if shes uncomfortable with that idea, why was the response that positive? stop thinking, start going.