Dating : I [25F] Deepy regret dating men on personality/interest compatibility instead of physical attraction. I wish people would stop telling women that they don’t need robust sexual attraction to their partners for happiness.
I want to share my perspective here so that I can see where others stand and perhaps provide a counterweight to the countless advice for women to “give ugly men a chance”. I’ve just come out of a year-long phase of dating men based on their personality/interest compatibility despite their less than ideal physical attractiveness, in and out of the periodic lockdowns from corona. My friends advised me on this, because I hooked up for a while with a very beautiful guy with whom I had nothing in common and was left unsatisfied.
I decided to listen to them and go out with a string of men whom I was not as physically attracted to but shared many common interests with me and could talk to me. Now after a while, I did develop some sexual attraction towards them. The emotional connection did make me want to sleep with them more than I had initially. Sometimes the sex was good enough to make me think a relationship was possible. But now, I deeply regret it.
I realize that after a while, I grew very cranky towards these men. I was a lot less willing to please them during sex. Every time I contemplated my desire for them, it was like a mental exercise, instead of something natural that just came to me.
For instance, I met this guy who was overweight but nice, interesting and charming, and while I did want to have sex with him to some degree, I did not care to blow him to completion, which was a breeze back when I had sex with a good-looking dude. The task itself was a chore. Looking at him gave me very little mental pleasure. I got tired very soon and was not into it for any reason other than I wanted to please him. I think he was pissed at me afterwards. I felt like I was very bad at sex.
Now after my year long experiment, I can feel myself bursting with desire to touch, kiss and bury myself into a beautiful man. And I can’t help feeling angry with the men I slept with during this year, even though I KNOW its not their fault. I cannot imagine settling in a relationship where the physical attraction is not robust. The whole women are not visual thing is just a myth tbh.
I remember from the age of 10, I started watching sports just to gawk at guys, it was as natural as watching porn for men, yet women aren’t visual? Because of this myth, so many straight men just REFUSE to groom themselves at all, believing that it isn’t important to women. Just having the right haircut can really improve your sex life, not only when you’re dating around, but also already in a long-term relationship.
Anyway, sorry for my rant.
These posts really contrasts well with the, “attraction is mostly about personality; not physical appearance” posts on this sub.
Some people just know what they want. I married my wife on the physical attraction aspect and now regret ever meeting her.
The hard part is you need both!
>The task itself was a chore. Looking at him gave me very little mental pleasure. I got tired very soon and was not into it
I am quite sure that is the same thing the guys that see you as just a hookup think when you want something more. It just goes both ways.
…its the advice all guys get too not just women.
Its bullshit that all you need is a good personality. Plenty of guys who are decent and well mannered and passionate struggle and plenty of shallow dickheads never went single or sexless for more than couple months.
And no its not just confidence thats the issue.
I have a friend who is in a semi known gig band in the town im in and even he struggles.
Absolutely the first thing we notice about a person is how they look and do they attract us ?. So of course we’re visual creatures. I completely agree
In my experience the « date uglier men » advice comes from the fact that women often hook up with really attractive guys that are unwilling to commit to them and then complain that men don’t want relationships.
If you can lock down an attractive man into a relationship then you should definitely date attractive men. However, most women can’t do this which is why they’re told on this sub to lower their physical standards.
If you’re not attracted to any men that are willing to date you (This goes for men as well) then you need to get in the gym and work on yourself until the people you’re attracted to are down to commit to you. Otherwise you’re going to be stuck in this loop where you can fuck hot guys but not date them forever.
Well I means it’s clear that there are some people we’re really not attracted to, right away.
I think the idea of « ugly people » is not that we should choose people we absolutely don’t have an attraction for, but instead choose people that we normally wouldn’t, but that are still physically attractive in some way (to us) from the beginning.
Case in point, your example was about an overweight guy that You initially were not attracted to physically and the attraction grew slightly, but not enough.
But you didn’t have a similar example about an average 3 or 4 or 5, who may have been objectively less attractive, but still ok attractive in some sense, but amazing personality or matching interests with you.
whereas you may usually think you want to be out with 7, 8s , or 9s, regardless of how much you match up in other ways. I’m just using these numbers so that everyone has an idea in their mind what average range we’re looking at.
To me, this goes back to the adage… *marry your best friend*. I remember getting that advice from my uncle early in my 20’s. His wife had cheated on him and it was devastating for him. He lived in a small town, same town he grew up in and most of the family still lived in. They all knew. It was humiliating. So that’s the advice he gave me – marry your best friend. So I did.
I settled for my wife. Physical attraction was… minimal. We had a great cute story about how we met. We had a TON in common too, very much looked at the world the same way. But I lost interest in the physical side very quickly. In turn she lost interest in pretty much everything else. But I did what I was supposed to do, I married my best friend. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?
You need to find both. There has to be chemistry and passion, intimacy is the fire in which the bond is formed. But you have to find someone with personality and similar interests. Otherwise what will you have left when the looks fade, and intimacy becomes more challenging? Because eventually it does – for everyone.
Most plays, and most great marriages, have three acts. First act, the spark that lights the fire. Second act, the partnership that can survive the hard years – the grind of middle-age and creating a home and a family. Third act, the affection of a love in it’s twilight, a love that knows no regrets.
My ship has sailed, I’ve made my mistake (we both did, it takes two). And I have to find a way to explain this to two children next week. Two kids whose lives are about to get turned upside down. They deserved better. I hope you all can do better than my cautionary tale.
water
Balance like anything else.
Its finding that person you like in all aspects of life.
Nice thing about grooming styles is that you can change it. For now I am all « Natural » down there. But if I started dating someone and she asked for a style change, why not?
What a lot of people of both genders are doing now, is demanding all of these stellar looks while not bringing it themselves. Also if you are demanding a perfect body, personalities, status, well you are going to be competing with a lot of women for that one guy in a million.
OP this post seems like you will never be satisfied unless you date someone that looks like chris hemsworth.
This is a huge issue I’ve noticed with a lot of women in this modern dating age – that once they sleep with a beautiful man (even a one night stand), there standard then becomes a man that is similar. It’s almost like their « attraction floor » adjusts up.
That’s fine and great to have to have a fun romp with someone like that – been there done that. However, I feel like it affects women differently than men.
The next question is « what do you have to offer someone like that? » I man who is both beautiful and intelligent and confident etc. is going to be in incredibly high demand – some of them will choose to play the field. I see the « casualties » of this in a lot of women – remaining single for a long time because they cannot find that one guy that fulfills the urge like that « one guy » did.
Yeah i understand this. Same applies to women to be fair. I personnaly can’t date or enjoy sex as much if i don’t find the woman attractive. Simple as that. Im not saying i need models but just women who are attractive to me. I won’t pay much attention as you about the haircut even if a nice fitting one is always a bonus.
As a man i take care of my body with regular workout, so i guess not all men are rejecting the idea of taking care of themselves as you state in your post. 85% of the people in my gym are men.
As for the haircut it depends of the guys, but i personnaly prefer a natural short but clean haircut who doesn’t need a lot of care and focus the care on other things. Plus watching the « trending » haircut like soccer players or else, i find most of them ridiculous.
as a man. I am willing to trade looks for intelligence, because I find intelligence attractive.
I wouldn’t just date a fat chick just to « give fat chicks a chance ». I would date a fat lady who was intelligent, humorous, and driven.
It sounds like either you just dated a bunch of average looking and mediocre men, or you yourself are basic/mediocre and can’t appreciate intelligence, humor, and/or ambition as attractive qualities.
It also sounds like you value the physical sensations of sex over compatibility or other important qualitative factors necessary for long term happiness.
I don’t find sex to be the most important part of life, so spending your time with someone that you’re incompatible with on all fronts but sex would be a bore to say the least.
Absolutely brutal. The only way to make it as a man is to be born with good genetics, otherwise you’re going to end up alone.
I think some people are missing the fact that everyone is different. I literally know someone who is dating a girl that would be considered « Out of his league ». Like to me if we wanna do the number thing is a 7 to a few others she’s a 9 or 10. She’s said « I would prefer if he had better physical traits like being taller » but she has exclaimed she’s not entirely there for just that. Some people want what they want, we have to settle for some things. Not every smoking hot person is gonna be the perfect person. You will have to settle on some things. Whether it be looks or personality or lifestyle or etc. I’m a guy that strictly doesn’t go for looks cause I’ve learned that the vast majority of women I’ve met that were gorgeous are really shallow. Mostly think about themselves and how their image is everything to them. I personally am not one for that mindset. I usually go by the rule of if I find you physically attractive but can’t have a decent conversation with you about a mutual interest or random factoid it’s a big no for me.
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Humans run on dopamine. If you look at your partner and you receive no dopamine I would say GL to both parties.
As much as human beings feel they are disconnected from mother nature we at the end of every day are still mammals and we select our partners based on evolutionary criteria.
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Everyone has their own formula.
The « give ugly guys a chance » is the same as the « give the fat chick a chance » from the HAES crowd: the result of a selfish mind who can’t deal with the fact that attractive has to be built if you’re born without it.
Having a relationship with someone who don’t arouse you is the perfect recipe for disaster. That doesn’t mean to only date pretty, model-tier people, there are men and women who, despite their physical flaws, can make the other sex crazy.
But the desire has to exist.
A man says the same thing about a woman and he’s public enemy number one
It’s always the creepy below average looking men that think women should drop their standards for them instead of taking their own advice and lowering theirs if needing sexual attraction in a relationship is « soo shallow »