Dating : I Fucked It Up
I had a good thing going with a woman until she ended it last week. I mentioned in another post that I wasn’t exactly blindsided since things had been really slowing down towards the end. But something I never did in that little essay was take responsibility for my own actions, or more accurately, my lack of action. Now the initial shock and frenzy of emotion has subsided and it’s time for me to reflect on my shortcomings and hold myself accountable.
I wanted to give her everything, and I made her promises that I didn’t keep. We talked about visiting some destinations together. I said I’d look at my work schedule, but those plans never materialized. I said I’d bring over some dishes we could cook together or bake together. Those plans never materialized. I said I’d send her a form to help her with her grad school apps. I never sent it. Never once did I take the initiative, be spontaneous and make it happen.
It’d be easy for me to blame her or blame my soul crushing job or blame my anxiety and depression. But I can’t and I won’t. If I can’t hold myself accountable how could I ever expect others to fulfill their promises to me? I said I would but I didn’t. It really is as simple as that.
She never mentioned any of these things when she broke it off. She kept it vague: * »I don’t think this relationship is going to work out. I’m sorry. »* But upon even a surface level reflection it’s obvious to me that I was complacent. I wasn’t achieving her expectations – or even my own. She wasn’t having fun with me and I wasn’t even making the effort to be a fun person.
When you make promises to someone and don’t follow through it communicates that you don’t value them. You don’t hold them as a priority. Who would want a relationship like that? Who wants the low spot on someone else’s totem pole? It’s not something I would ever accept. I can say all day long that I cared about her and valued her. But care and value are as much about action as they are about how you feel. You can’t have one without the other.
In addition to being hurt and saddened by the breakup I have an overwhelming feeling of regret. Regret for my loss of the relationship, certainly, but even more regret that I didn’t put my first foot forward. Regret that I didn’t apply all of the attributes that I know I have. Regret that I didn’t do the things I know I’m capable of.
No more. I’m done living in this funk, this emotional squalor. I’m done watching opportunities and relationships pass me by because I don’t apply myself. I was once a vibrant being, full of life and energy. I will be again. I’m laser focused on doing so.
I know she’ll never see this, so this is really for myself. I have an urge to apologize to her but I’m not sure how it would benefit either of us. At this point it would come across as me trying to desperately admit blame in an effort to ‘win’ her back. At this point I’m so embarrassed I don’t think I even want her back. Moving forward to something new with a refocused effort is easier and healthier than trying to repair something that’s already over. I’m just sorry the price for this realization was a relationship with someone I cared about.
Now I turn my attention to you….yes YOU, dear internet reader. I’ve given you a glimpse into my soul and now I implore you to heed my example. Stop what you’re doing and take stock of your relationships. Take stock of your actions. Take stock of your ambitions. Are you putting in the effort that your pursuits deserve? Are you following through on your promises to yourself and others? Are you running on all cylinders? Put in the effort. Put in the work. Make it happen. I know I wish I had. Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made. Be better than me. I know I will.
I’m proud of you. I feel like you’re going to go into your next relationship with an extra umph. It’s not always the easiest to reflect and admit shortcomings, and you’re going to be a much better person because of it. Sending you the best of luck in your new chapter.
If it were me, I think I would let her know btw. Not to try to win her back but to leave things in a mature way. I think she’ll respect you more for it. I know I would. I just feel like people shouldn’t hold back compliments (generally) or mature comments that help others understand each other. The world miscommunicates enough as it is and it’s nice to see some clarity and mutual understanding.
I feel like this exact reason will be why my situationship will fade into nothing. Sometimes things are fated to be too little too late I guess.
It’s interesting you post this because I just broke up with somebody for this exact reason. She said I was a priority to her yet whenever something else came up I was pushed to the side. Now of course things come up but after a while it becomes a pattern and you start to lose trust in them. I’m glad I let her go as I don’t think things were going to change.
As for trying to get back with her, I wouldn’t bother. Better to just move on and do better next time.
« The greatest teacher, failure is. »
Acknowledging what went wrong is already half the battle, I can tell you’ll grow a lot because of this! And thanks for the motivation at the end!
Hindsight is 20/20, but good on you for admitting your fault. Be better, my friend.
I went through the same thing about 3 months ago. Met this great guy, had great sexual chemistry too. We went out for our first date. Tried to make plans for the second but he said he wasn’t comfortable going out due to Covid so we hung out mainly at my place. Each time he would come over we would talk and make future plans, but none materialized. Even outdoor activity plans. I tried planning but even then it never happened. I mentioned how I was unhappy about planning but never going through and he said he’d try harder. He didn’t. I stopped talking to him.
Hey man, all good brother. We’ve all been there. Your story pretty much reads like the way I « lost » my ex years ago. but it worked out for the best. 5 years later, I realize I never would have married her and even the guy she left me for hasn’t proposed yet so I’m of the camp that as sweet as she was, she did me a favor by leaving. Since then, I’ve dated much nicer women. I think you’ll realize that in time too.
I would screenshot this and send it to her. Just let her know, that you know, you effed up. I’d appreciate the hell out of that gesture if my ex were man enough to admit his own shortcomings.
LOVE this. Wish my ex had realized this before we were 3 years in and he hadn’t planned a real date in 2. Always feeling like you’re the only one putting effort into a relationship is brutal and can really deteriorate things over time. I hope you keep this new outlook up!
So proud of you for taking some time to practice self awareness and reflect on your contributions or lackthereof. You could say all these things to her, tell her you had a good think and realized that these may have affected the potential outcome of your relationship. But really, you’ve done a good job at leveling up in this area and with this new information at the forefront, you’re prepared to try again. Nice one, mindfulness is very valuable and underrated.
sorry to hear that. the only thing I think that can really be an issue is not taking time off to do things/vacations together. the idea of having to bring certain dishes or send her applications are things that she can also do herself.
granted, the idea is that you said you would do it, so that’s important as well. but imo, not really a deal-breaker if you didn’t do those 2 things.
now, if these are just 3 of the major things you didn’t do but in general, you make a bunch of promises that you don’t keep, then that’s another issue that can defniitely add one. no one thing makes or breaks the relationship but it’s the combination of all of those things.
i’m glad you’re able to look at yourself and see some ways to change to be a better person and better partner.
good luck!
I hear you being hard on yourself. Maybe you were too tired to do all those things. Try promising less but when you do show up be present and loving. Don’t just agree to go above and beyond your energy level next time. Just do what you can with attention on the person and that will go a lot farther than completing a long list of relationship tasks at a less than relaxed pace. I’m trying to enjoy all my being even the small things and it is already making me a much more enjoyable person to spend time with.
I just broke it off with a guy last week for literally everything you discussed. I felt like I was being taken for granted and used. Part of me hopes he feels the same as you. I wish you all the best moving forward!
It is never too late to acknowledge your mistake.
Take a break and maybe if it is meant to be, both of you will be back together again.
Worst case scenario, you learned from this and you’re a better person for your next relationship!
Chin up! E-hugs