Dating : Dating and learning about your own insecurities is a heartbreaking process
It’s hard to admit, but it’s true. It sucks. We all talk about avoiding red flags, until you realise you have your own. And it can be heartbreaking to realise and accept until it’s over.
I met a guy 2 months ago that I thought was awesome. We went on a couple of dates. Some in person, some over call, and it was all amazing. I haven’t met someone that I clicked with in a really long time. He ticked so many boxes for me, I fell hard.
But before I even knew it was a thing, I came to realise was that I had a lot of abandonment issues. I was clingy. I was constantly worried about losing him because I liked him so much. I felt anxiety when he wouldn’t reply to my messages within a certain timeframe. It wasn’t even because he wasn’t meeting deadlines, it was because I got anxiety that I was the only one excited. I wanted reassurance that he liked me as much as I liked him.
We had a conversation in which he said he wanted to take things slow, which I agreed to. But I grew to be distrustful when he wouldn’t reply to me all day until it was 6pm in the evening. He was a poor texter, but a consistent one. I should have valued his consistency rather than his frequency.
Someone told me that when being in a relationship, you should grow to be comfortable in the silence. Why should it matter if we trust them? I wish I had known that before I drove him away.
Another lesson learnt, and I paid the price for it. I just wished it wasn’t with someone I valued so much.
Edit: Thank you guys for all of your advice. It’s incredibly validating to hear from similar people. It means a lot to me, and I’m learning so much from all of your perspectives
This happened to me a while ago. I thought a guy I really liked was ghosting me and I absolutely spiralled. Made an idiot of myself and lost the dude. I took about a year off dating after that and worked on being alone. It really helped.
I’ve been on about 6 dates with a new guy and I really like him but at the same time if he decided that I’m not for him or the other way around, I’ll be ok!
The very thing of being anxious about losing someone becomes the thing which drive them away from our life.
We become overpossesive clingy and insecure in relationship and that becomes the cause of separation.
I can understand ur feelings, just don’t overthink about what happened, it happens take it as a lesson and go forward in ur life, miracles are waiting for you.
You should read up on « anxious attachment style » if you haven’t before. It’s pretty common, and you can train yourself to feel more secure in relationships. I used to be majorly anxious like this but over the years I’ve mellowed out a lot.
Hugs to you. I get it.
Man that sucks. But don’t put yourself down too much. Seems like you learned another thing about yourself, and in the end that is what dating at a young age is all about. Write it down so you don’t forget these lessons, and if you clicked with someone once, you will undoubtedly click with another person again.
My best friend and I decided at one point to begin dating. About two months in and we decided to become official. We went on a vacation and we fell in love.
This continued on l, she had to move from her apartment and came to live in my house for the time being. Soon after that fractures in our relationship began to show. We argued about certain things but we never full on fought. (were both non confrontational). But we still loved eachother and bonded over alot of things.
Both of our insecurities came out. She wasn’t comfortable with cuddling, kissing or sleeping in the same bed as me. Or showing off her bodynn She liked alot of alone time and didn’t usually like doing the same hobbies I do. My insecurities came out too. I’ve always had really bad separation anxiety and I would tend to be clingy but I’ve gotten better than I used to. I began asking if I could sleep in the same bed more often but I couldn’t every night. And she didn’t want to cuddle unless she’s big spoon.
I remember it causing a few fights. We sat down together one night and came to the conclusion that neither of us were happy in the relationship even though we loved eachother.
She continued to live with me until she got a job out of state. I cried hard the day she left for good.
There’s a silver lining though.
We’re still best friends to this day. We like to take time out and visit eachother when we can. We still tell eachother « I love you » and wish only the best for one another.
I think, for me, the biggest lesson in dating is knowing, really really *knowing* that I’m going to be okay. And to let go of the results. Do not force it.
And so. You are going to be okay. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Really, you are. You will be okay. And that anxiety is a flag trying to tell you something about yourself. What is it trying to say? What is the source of your anxiety? It’s not them. They are just symbols of your anxiety. Learn from yourself. Learn to read yourself, to understand yourself. My therapist always said the path towards healing is to acknowledge the issue, understand it. It will stop strangling you when you start by acknowledging it.
I (27M) have noticed some similar insecurities in myself. When I meet a new girl and things start off really fun, I get used to the frequency and sometimes quality of texting. But when the initial phase starts to simmer down, and texting and snapping happens less, I get really antsy and worry something is wrong. Sometimes I’ll react by texting too much to try to bring a spark back, and probably look desperate. Other time I detach entirely If I feel that they don’t want to talk to me. I have no idea how to shake this anxiety. I guess I’m the needy type, never thought that’d be me.
A couple of people have mentioned anxious attachment and I wanted to add on because I’ve felt similarly.
A line from the book *Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment* has stuck with me: *people tend to be as needy as their unmet needs* (something like that). It pointed to how dependency is often seen as a negative thing, but may be responsive to the circumstances. I kept puzzling over why I felt like I was being too clingy/needy in early phases of dating and I realized it’s the lack of security. It’s been especially exacerbated in the cases of online dating when people are open to dating multiple people at once, and I always feel uncertain about where I stand. As I’ve come to realize, and as is mentioned in the book, I’m really not as clingy/needy when I have security in knowing how another person feels. And knowing how another person feels might come through opening up a conversation, or as you get to know the person more.
The sad part is so many people could learn and grow together if social media hasn’t convinced everyone to “be perfect, or dump them.”
It’s going to be a crazy future when there’s an army of single people. People always compare a mediocre relationship that needs work to a perfect one, and then bail.
It’s like playing the lottery expecting to be a millionaire, and ending up broke. When if a person had just invested their money wisely and cultivated a life they enjoy — they’d be so much better off.
The world is so much more than just a destination
I recently fell in love with a very close friend of mine. I reacted a lot of the same ways and honestly, I think I killed the friendship. She wants to take things slow and doesn’t want to « put a title on us » which I understand but I feel so much and I don’t think I can handle it. When I see her online and not replying to me, it hurts so much more than it should and I also become distrustful. I discovered that I have so many red flags that I need to work on for my own self improvement but I don’t think I can salvage this friendship. It really sucks
I’m older and also have anxious attachment and the thing I’ve learned is, I need to control my anxiety, but the right person will not be driven away by my expressing my anxiety in healthy ways, for example my telling my partner I become anxious when they do not reaffirm their feelings for me consistently should not drive an adult person who is ready to be in a serious relationship with ME away. I’m 33, I’m never going to become a person who doesn’t need reassurance.
As someone on the other side of this, I totally get this. I was dating an amazing girl, I loved her to bits but she always had the insecurity that I didn’t love her the way she loved me. I tried my best to help her understand but she broke up with me in the end saying I didn’t love her enough. It’s hard to let go when you know it would’ve been a great relationship. Hang in there. You’ll get through this.
To be fair, the slow fade is a thing. I never used to get worried about stuff like this. My partner of 6 years started withdrawing, I never noticed (or I mean, I did but just assumed he wanted space and didn’t mind) – then all of a sudden I got dumped totally out of the blue. I think people do actually modify their behaviour (e.g. how much they talk to you) in line with their emotions. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t drive him away – this would’ve happened inevitably if he wasn’t excited to text you.
You just leveled up as a person. We can all learn from your experience and I see a lot of myself if some of your insecurities too and I’m trying to be aware of then and watch out for my own red flags.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. To me, the main issue here is just that you guys weren’t compatible.
I know others have already mentioned attachment styles, and you (and I) have anxious attachment styles. When we’re interested in someone, we like quality time, communication throughout the day, and lots of reassurance.
You can put in the work to try to become a more securely attached person. This is going to take lots of time, patience, and therapy. Or you can find a partner that is also anxiously attached. I do think the latter will make things a lot easier for you. Since we don’t wear our attachment styles on our foreheads, it’s going to take some trial and error to find someone you are compatible with in this way.
For the record, I think most people would be a little upset if someone they were newly seeing didn’t respond to their messages for hours upon hours. Our phones are always on us and it takes 2 seconds to send a message.
Relatable!! I found myself being very clingly, and attention hungry. I knew it wasn’t healthy and after we broke up(due to other reasons but this was a major issue) I looked into attachment theory r/attachment_theory and am learning so much about myself. It’s something i’d like to go to therapy for eventually but for now just being self-aware of who i am in romantic relationships versus friendships(where I’m more avoidant) and other areas in my life, has helped somewhat.
Piggy-backing on OP’s post. I also have anxious attachment type, and I just started dating someone new. When do y’all think would be a good time to talk to them about it/if at all?
I can totally relate. I personally need someone that has good texting habits. If they don’t have good texting habits it probably means they don’t like me that much. My last girlfriend had bad texting habits when we first started dating, but I asked her to be better with texts. And she obliged. She liked talking to me so it wasn’t a big deal.
I get so frustrated when I meet someone new that has terrible texting habits. If this happens I just move on, it’s an indicator of someone that isn’t available.
If someone really likes you they are going to fulfill your needs. It doesn’t take that much effort to send a text a few times a day.
If you didn’t value them, you wouldn’t care. It’s part of the human experience, and it’s terrible. I’ve lost everything and everyone I’ve ever loved and cared about, except for my Mom who currently has cancer and might not make it. I know exactly what you mean, I’m clingy af and have severe abandonment issues. I have borderline personality disorder and every anxiety disorder there is, including severe PTSD.
I was recently engaged. At first, she loved how obsessed I was with her. I told her everything about me, and I felt like I found someone who accepted me for me. I loved the way she loved me. We were together for almost 2 years, and we were planning on starting a family. I’m 43, she was 24, but it worked. At least I thought it did.
I told her the only way she could hurt me was if she abandoned me. If she didn’t want to be with me anymore, I would let her go and remain friends. I didn’t want to lose her, and I’ve been able to stay friends with my ex-wife. I don’t understand how you can just cut someone you love out completely. She agreed and said she wanted me in her life no matter what.
She made an appointment to get her birth control removed. I’ve never been happier in my life. We enjoyed each other, always. We had sex daily, even after the honeymoon period wore off. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and we told each other everything. Then she got drunk and assaulted me. She told me the most hurtful things you can imagine. I tried to keep her from taking the car, but she started destroying the house, beating the shit out of me, breaking TV’s and phones. She hit me over the head repeatedly with a phone and threw it at my face, nearly taking my eye out.
I was gushing blood from everywhere. It wasn’t the first time she’s flipped out while drinking. She was abused as much as anyone I’ve ever known, and she would go into survival mode and felt trapped because she’s been trapped before. She was in treatment for PTSD and I accepted her for her, flaws and all. I could see her changing and trying to be better. She had just gotten a great job and we were so happy together.
I’m on probation, so she started hitting herself and called the police. She was looking at me dead in the eyes telling the dispatcher I had kidnapped her, trapped her, beat her and raped her. She went for the keys again, but this time I didn’t stop her. They found the car on the side of the road, wrecked. She drained our bank account and left. Her dad messaged me saying he’s going to beat my ass, and his entire family was after me.
All I know is she’s safe, but I haven’t talked to her since. She had been telling her family and coworkers that I was abusive, racist (she’s black and native) and controlling. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s been over 2 months and it’s not getting better. I’m dealing with the loss of my brother and my nephew killed himself not long ago. My Mom was recently diagnosed with cancer, just to top it off.
I don’t know what I did. I don’t know if it was even real. I worked hard to keep my anxiety in check and not suffocate her when she was out. I encouraged her to go out with her friends and family and wouldn’t bother her, something that’s hard for me to do. My worst fear came true, I haven’t been able to sleep much since.
I keep dreaming that I’m drowning or falling. I wake up panicked and reaching out for her. My heart sinks when I realize she’s gone and never coming back. Every time the phone rings or I get a message, I hope it’s her. I just want to hold her and tell her I love her. It’s eating at me and I can’t seem to let go.
I had trust issues when I met her, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. I was hesitant to open up to her, and when I did, I poured myself into her because that’s the only way I know how to be. I’m a deeply passionate man who hid my emotions for most of my life. Until I met her. She opened something in me that I didn’t know was there. I would cry watching her sleep and felt like the luckiest man alive. I’d wake up and she’d be talking to me, telling me she wanted to make me proud and telling me how much she loved me.
I’m sorry for the long message. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and it can always be worse. Don’t change who you are, you’ll find someone who loves you as you are. Even though I’m absolutely crushed right now, it was worth it. She made me feel wanted for the first time in my life. I know what’s important to me because of her. I need a deep emotional connection with someone I love.
You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. You’re worth it. Don’t ever feel like you’re not, or that you can’t have a good relationship because of your issues. Just try to love yourself as much as you love others. Be open with them early on and let them decide if it’s too much. Tell them how important texting back is to you and if they can’t respect that, let them go.
I wish you the best! You deserve nothing less! Much love 😉
I wouldn’t blame yourself for the end of the relationship I think his texting style didn’t suit you which is pretty important in those early relationship stages. I think had you been secure in the relationship that wouldn’t have bothered you so something other then his texting was giving you reasons to doubt the relationship would work out. Did you ever define the relationship or was it that awkward in between stage of dating but no label? Him saying to take things slow would def have just given you more anxiety. Ultimately I don’t think you did anything wrong and you shouldn’t blame yourself communication even via text is important.
I am the male version of you and you can be more careful about it next time ; however, some people are more anxious and that is completely normal according to me. Your prospective boyfriend could have soothed you better as well and seeking reassurance is also normal if the other party does not provide it. Hypothetically speaking I would not have dumped you if you acted like this and I guess there are other man out there as well. I am usually in the long haul when I select someone and I do not stress over everything, yet always get dumped 😀 The latest lady I dated was aloof and just like the guy you dated and she replied consistently, yet always late. I learnt to grow comfortable with it over time, yet still got dumped. So do not think the mistake is yours 100%, you were incompatible contrary to the picture you portrayed in your head.
That’s exactly how I feel. We’re taught to take caution and notice red flags but we fail to notice our own. When we do notice our own it’s a hard realization but recognizing the problems so that we can work on it is a step in the right direction.
While I agree with the message of analyzing ones own faults, I think this is a bit too self sacrificing. You didn’t do much wrong at all he’s just not that into you, or at least not nearly as much as you are into him. Beware guys who « wanna take things slow’ because the part they wanna take slow is always the part that implies any personal responsibility of a relationship but the part where he takes his pants off is never « taken slow ». And just texting? Psh that takes 2 seconds. The bar is already on the ground honey.
Dated women like this. You know they mean well and have a good heart, but their behavior is so unhealthy and can be unmanageable because they can’t adjust. I always recommend therapy. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy — anxious about potential loss and present lack of affirmation (texting, encouraging and validating language), this turns into anger/resentment, and you become specifically responsible for the outcome you are desperately trying to avoid.
People who behave as if they’re in an *exclusive relationship* when one does *not* exist are usually the ones hurt the most when things don’t work out or they get *ghosted*.
If you’re not in a « relationship » you should be engaging with and dating multiple people.
If you were looking for a job you wouldn’t stop sending out your resume just because you had a couple of great interviews with one company!
Until an offer has been made and accepted both the company and the candidate are within their rights to interview with others.
Dating multiple people helps you to avoid becoming *emotionally invested* in someone you *barely* know. In addition if things don’t work out it lessens the pain because you were never *all in*.
It should go without saying if you met someone who *maintains an active online dating profile* odds are *they are keeping their options open* and so should you!
*** »Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is. »*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Yeah, I get that but also everything is about moderation. You don’t want to be with someone who takes a whole day to reply to text. Forget that. He defiantly wasn’t the one for you.
Hey, I feel you. I think it’s great that you got to see and understand this about yourself. Another thing we hear a lot is staying single until you’ve sorted out your issues, but the last time I was in a relationship, I also learned stuff about myself that got in the way of my happiness. Not abandonment issues but avoidant ones. And so I’ve learned that putting yourself out there and being open to love can lead to such good learning experiences. Now that you know what issues you still have, you can find ways to resolve them. I know it’s easier said than done. But they’ll definitely make you a better person, not only for the sake of your partner or your relationship, but also for yourself as a person with various other roles.
I agree, it can be a really difficult process. But it is also a very important process.
None of us is ever going to be perfect, but we should always be striving to be better partners. The only way to do that is to identify our problem areas.
Life is all about growth, people should never stop growing. A tough lesson for sure, but you are stronger and better today than yesterday because you’ve learned from it. Stay strong OP.
This hit hard so I guess thanks for your post!
>I haven’t met someone that I clicked with in a really long time. He ticked so many boxes for me, I fell hard.
I’ve been single for 4 years and a month ago I met the most beautiful, independent, sweetest girl ever. She was perfect and I fell head over heels for her.
>I came to realise was that I had a lot of abandonment issues. I was clingy. I was constantly worried about losing him because I liked him so much. I felt anxiety when he wouldn’t reply to my messages within a certain timeframe. It wasn’t even because he wasn’t meeting deadlines, it was because I got anxiety that I was the only one excited. I wanted reassurance that he liked me as much as I liked him.
For me it was the fact she acted slightly distant a bit before and during our second date and I sent 2 WhatsApp messages asking her if everything’s ok. She’s been ghosting me for 2 days now. I must have come off as insecure and scared her off. Right now I’m broken, she broke me into a million pieces, I broke me into a million pieces. I can’t eat or sleep, every fibre of my being wants things to go back to when she was still talking to me and joking around and making plans. I haven’t cried this much since a 5 year relationship I was in ended. Life is tough OP hopefully the people in our lives can lift us back up from this.
I felt this. I’ve dealt with issues like this before and I’m still learning about my insecurities. It’s a tough process. You should be very proud here. Not everyone has the courage to give themselves such a hard look and even less so to be public about it.
I am like this too. Definitely have attachment issues and am currently working on growing out of them. I recently heard something that may be relative and you may already know it. You can not have expectations of other people, it is actually a trap that they can’t grow out of and you/we are the ones setting those traps. Its hard to get past this, but it is not fair to either parties involved. It is a tough lesson to learn breaking this cycle really depends on you excepting the reality you are in. That said, this sort of thing makes me ache too, it might be this way for awhile. But this is a growing pain everyone has them in one form or another. Stay strong, wish you the best!
Check out my most recent post, I bet it rhymes with what you are going through.
Huge respect to you for accepting that your actions led to the unfortunate event and not putting it on the other person. We all have our insecurities, the key is giving the other person space. This in turn gives you much needed space and time to get your thoughts straight.
I’ve been in the exact same situation and had to end things with a woman for the exact same reasons. Trust me, it doesn’t feel good as a man because you know the other person is putting in a lot of effort and genuinely cares about you… But I was afraid that she would go into depression / lose her shit if we ever broke up.. and I didn’t want that to happen to her.
I’m sorry, that really sucks. I know how you feel. I didn’t even realize my own flaws in dating until I took some time off to just be by myself. I tried to see things objectively and I realized what I had done wrong and what I should do differently next time. Sure, it made me sad that it was at the cost of some great people, but as long as I don’t repeat my mistakes then I will connect with someone again and be better that time. The whole point of dating is to gain experience and to learn from your mistakes so that when you find your ideal partner, you guys can hit it off and have a happy and successful relationship. I’ve been single for almost two years now and I know that I still have a lot to learn but I’m definitely a lot more mature and patient than I was a few years ago. It’s a long process, so hang in there! I believe in you!
Going through something similar to you right now. It’s not easy to come to terms with, but dating is a learning process of who you want to be with, but also with who you are. I know exactly how you feel and am slowly pushing my new partner away. Just take away from the experience as you learned more about yourself, and in turn you can take that knowledge into the next relationship you’re in. Virtual hugs, this process is hard.