Dating : I turn into one of those ‘clingy crazy girls’ and it’s not cute. I need advice
So flashback almost 8 years ago (17 year old me), when I had my first BF, I was legit the most chill GF you could find. My ex took advantage of that, and cheated on me after 1 week of dating, for 6 months. He threatened to kill himself when I tried to break up with him, so I stayed with him. I won’t get into detail because that’s not what this post is about but he basically beat my confidence and self esteem to nothing. He made me feel like no one would ever want me again.
So now, I can’t control my emotions when I like someone. I’m super chill when I meet a guy, but one of two things happen when feelings start happening.
I either panic about commitment and run, or I get extremely clingy.
When I go the clingy route, it’s absolute torture for me. I don’t want to show that side of me to the guy I like, so I often find myself feeling upset or mad, ball my eyes out when he takes too long to answer me, monitor his online status on FB to see if he’s ignoring me. Feel hurt when he makes plans with other people. I get extremely upset over literally nothing.
I haven’t had a serious relationship since. A few flings here and there that didn’t even get to introducing him to my friends.
2019 I decided to not date because it’s just not healthy for me mentally.
I need advice. I really want to meet someone but I don’t know how to keep myself in check.
it sounds like you have « insecure attachment style »
This is a psychological term that refers to people who feel distress from getting close to someone as opposed to being comforted. it stems from improperly bonding with a caregiver as an infant. it does not have to be anything like child abuse it is just the person who cared for you before the age of 3 was not emotionally available.
research attachment theory, attachment disorders and attachment styles. they can offer advice on how to control it.
Ayy another love sick millennial to relate to. I’m 25(M), you are not alone here. I’ve done similar things, with the monitoring of activities, and freaking out with no responses etc. Thing is, you can’t control what they are doing, no matter how much you want to. I just try to tell myself that any time I start to wonder. That no matter what I do, worrying is not going to help, and if they are off doing something they shouldn’t, it’ll come out sooner or later, and if they aren’t I haven’t spent a night rocking back and forth in a corner thinking they are.
It sounds like therapy might be a good option to figure out what’s going on on a deeper level? It seems to stem from your first relationship but maybe talking with a professional can help you process any repressed feelings and move forward?
It helped me with the exact same thing. Best of luck!
Maybe a therapist might help you work through this. There may be underlying trauma from that past relationship and it hurt you really bad.
Also, be sure to continue working on yourself and your own personal life. Be also sure to establish boundaries for yourself and others. The clinginess/reclusiveness is perhaps just stemming from a painful insecurity, but you will need to work through that to get your confidence back with relationships.
You can do this. Promise.
I am in your exact situation to a T… I’ve thought about posting about it here on reddit but wasn’t even sure how to word it. You are totally right. I also used to be the totally chill girl who knew how to proceed in relationships and could allow things to unfold naturally, and was good at seeing the red flags and leaving. Now, I get clingy and obsessive and start to freak out and can’t control my emotions when I start to feel ignored/used/taken advantage of. The problem is it’s pretty easy for me to feel this way, I get easily triggered and once I start it’s hard for me to stop. That, or I completely cut someone off because I make up my mind for whatever reason that I don’t want to proceed (usually nice guys). I feel sometimes like I’m only attracted to assholes and want what I can’t have? I don’t really know. But I haven’t had a stable relationship of any kind since my breakup with my ex who was also a serial cheater and beat my self esteem to a pulp over the years. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. I understand and you’ll get through this ❤️
How are your relationships with your family and friends and at school/work? Stable, in harmony?
If yes then try to rely on them. There is always a safety net that catches you if you’re let down by a potential partner. There are always people who will console you and encourage you to be brave and so on.
If not try to fix those first. It’s really hard to venture into the chaotic darkness if the known territory isn’t orderly. Without a safe haven you’ll be more fearful than necessary.
Mind the dependency paradox: In a room where an infant and parents are together the infant will start to explore the room because it feels safe, it can depend on the parents and thereby becomes independent. If the child is left alone it will cry and seek out its parents and not be able to explore the room even though nothing changed.
Btw, your ex was clearly psychologically disordered and he dragged you down with him. I guess you already know that but maybe this helps to advance the realization that his measure _is not_ the measure of this world.
How many times has “therapy” turned up in answers before you read this one?
Seriously, therapy is totally underrated. In my opinion, everyone should see one and a lot of people NEED to see one that don’t. Right now, I’d say you’re in the ‘should’ category, but see one before you get into the ‘NEED to’ category.
>>I monitor his online status on FB to see if he’s ignoring me. Feel hurt when he makes plans with other people. I get extremely upset over literally nothing.
This is a stereotypical « Helicopter Parent » dynamic.
You’re having a hard time treating the guys you’re dating like independent adukts. Which makes sense considering your ex’s profound emotional development delays. I’ll explain more about this in a minute
My advice is to stop being a helicopter parent for one.
>>So flashback almost 8 years ago (17 year old me), when I had my first BF, I was legit the most chill GF you could find.
I don’t think this was true. I think your stated issues already existed. Likely since early childhood.
I think this is you holding yourself to a standard of behavior that was never actually a reality. This is common way that shame issues exercise themselves.
People often use the term « low self-esteem » but I prefer to just call it what it is, which is shame.
See: insecure attachment.
I can’t say exactly how or why, but abusers tend to have a sense for people with serious attachment, shame and codependency issues. Especially, people who feel a desire to « rescue » other broken people. This tends to attract abusers like bees to a flower.
>>My ex took advantage of that,
I think he took advantage of your jealousy, codependent issues, and insecure attachment, *and deliberately made them worse.*
These were dramatic emotional responses which **weren’t boring,** to him.
So he went to lengths to encourage these feelings, not caring about the consequences or the toll they took on you.
Note that abusers are « emotional vampires » and are basically overgrown terrible two year olds.
Their M.O. is to bleed you dry of every ounce of drama, energy, emotion, attention, and good intentions that you have in you. Just like kids are emotionally dependent on their parents’ attention. Kids fear being bored and being alone. Any strong emotional response from you is not boring.
>>He threatened to kill himself when I tried to break up with him,
This is little more that practiced play-acting. People who are truly suicidal don’t make shameless brazen demands on other people.
Remember that kids automatically think their parents are responsible for fixing everything including their own frustrations, and they’ll go to great lengths to get you to be the responsible one.
>>but he basically beat my confidence and self esteem to nothing.
Abusers equate confident behaviors, with a willingness to ignore, reject, or walk away from their demanding toxic nonsense.
They don’t comprehend boundaries like this and see boundaries as some sort of attack. So they respond to even mild establishment of boundaries from you, with intense personal attacks and criticism of every weakness they can think of.
Toddlers don’t understand that their actions/choices are the problem, and not their parents level of interest and respect for them. So they get pissed when you ignore them.
The only problem here was you thought you were dealing with an adult and not with a toddler in an adult’s body, throwing a temper tantrum.
>>So now, I can’t control my emotions when I like someone. I’m super chill when I meet a guy, but one of two things happen when feelings start happening.
>>I either panic about commitment and run, or I get extremely clingy.
This isn’t a spoiled, constantly angry, defiant toddler you’re dealing with here, unlike your ex.
Don’t assume that they’re a toddler that needs mothering.
The cheating has to do with the fact that kids on some level detest their dependence on their parents. But they don’t know what else to do.
>>When I go the clingy route, it’s absolute torture for me.
Again, they’re not toddlers and you don’t need to be constantly be
checking in on them to see what kind of distress they’re having or trouble they’re causing.
Unlike your ex, most other men aren’t overgrown toddlers. Stop treating them that way. They can handle their own feelings.
>>I don’t want to show that side of me to the guy I like, so I often find myself feeling upset or mad, ball my eyes out when he takes too long to answer me,
You’re not their mom. This isn’t a child-related emergency.
Treat them like adults, expect them to act like adults, and you won’t usually be dissappointed,
(unless you’re dating an abusive Narcissist and then you’ll be dissappointed in their lack of maturity multiple times a day.)
>>I really want to meet someone.
Fear of being alone isn’t a very good reason to be seeking relationships.
Same thing happened to me. First boyfriend at age 17, he always treated me like an option, neglected me, expected me to prioritize him regardless of how he acted with me. He never cheated but he would flirt and hang out with girls while telling me he was busy. I stayed for 4 years and then decided to casually date because i knew I’d get clingy with anybody else.
​
I’m 25 now and I’ve gone to therapy, which has helped a lot. Sometimes I still find myself overthinking or getting somewhat clingy. What helped me was my best friend, I would seriously tell her my thoughts and ask if they were rational or not and she would keep me in check. Little by little I got used to doing it on my own. Sometimes I think of what I’d tell one of my friends if they had these thoughts or feelings, it helps me be more objective. Also being honest with my boyfriend helped me a lot and helped him understand.
​
Good luck! Don’t let a douche ruin your romantic future, you can do so much better, girl!
I want to add something here, to what’s been said of Anxious/Insecure attachment traits, especially around the people trying to resolve this with reason.
THESE REACTIONS ARE NOT REASONABLE RESPONSES!! They are biologically hard-wired reactions to a perceived threat, and once the reaction is triggered, it is incredibly difficult to calm it down. The parts of your brain responsible for processing emotion (reasoning through it) gets shut down when you’re in this state.
Your best bet is having an awareness of what triggers these responses in you (it’s usually Avoidant attachment behaviour), and avoiding dating men who display these traits (and digging into why you’re attracted to them). Therapy can help.
I have spent much of my adult dating life thinking I’m some complicated, clingy, crazy lady who is broken and needs to be fixed, when that is absolutely not the case. I’m just not compatible with Avoidant types (who always appear to have their shit together, but really don’t!!) and that’s ok.
I have a similar thing – it’s hard because I don’t know how to handle it now.
It sounds like you been emotionally abused, that’s not normal for someone to keep saying they kill themselves for 6 months when you try to walk away. If they ignore you which for some reason most of our generation does (I hate it). You got to remember if they care about you they wouldn’t ignore you, if they like you they make an effort. You need to start building up love for yourself, love yourself and you won’t be scare if someone else doesn’t and you tone down your emotions. I did this and now I can’t seem to like anyone lol I refuse to be emotional for someone who doesn’t do the same for me.
Get therapy seriously. Honest answer here.
Not sure if what you need rises to the level of needing therapy but you could also just talk to the guy about it. Obviously this is a much easier conversation to have with a guy that you have been out with a few times rather than after like a first or second date but letting him know that words of affirmation help you feel more secure. This doesn’t mean that he has to constantly validate how he feels about you but every now and then to say or show that you have nothing to worry about can go a long way.