Dating : I’m a (28M) virgin. Trying to date for the first time. Any advise?
So this is pretty embarrassing to talk about with friends/people, so I will use this throw away account . I am hoping I can tell my story and get some advise from different points of view (asking advice from the internet has never hurt anyone… *he said sarcastically!).
This post is probably long and mostly venting, but I would appreciate any advice and would love to know of similar stories .
I am 28 and I’ve never had a relationship, sex, or a girlfriend. I’ve never even kissed a girl.
I don’t really know how it happened. I just kept pushing it off, thinking it would happen naturally, but here I am…
Have you ever watched a medical show, where someone comes in with a massive tumor, or they gain so much weight they can’t move and you think to yourself, « How did they let it get this bad? », yeah I’ve done that too and I find myself asking that same questing of myself. « How did I let it get this bad? »
I don’t know!
I’ve always been an outgoing person , charismatic , funny even. Not bad looking really, perhaps a bit chunky, but nothing obscene or unhealthy . I am also clean and I can speak well, yet somehow I always turn into a moron when talking to girls I want to date.
I was always too embarrassed to ask girls out in high school, I once got the courage to finally ask someone out, she was COMPLETELY out of my league, and she said « Yes », but then I turned into an idiot and couldn’t even look her in the eyes when walking past her on the hallway, I started avoiding her around school and about a week of this she stopped me on the stairs of the school and said « OP about going out with you, I don’t thing it’s gonna work out. » I played it cool and said I understood, (and I did) but that stuck with me through out my high school years.
When college begun I was completely self-conscious of my looks, I didn’t ask anyone out for fear of rejection and I begun to spend more time in my room playing video games rather than socializing, my early 20’s went by and I stayed single. I found the courage to ask a coworker out once, she said yes and we went out on a date to the movies, but after I turned into a zombie again and all of my charisma went to shit, so when I dropped her off at her house, I said good night immediately walked to my car. I was terrified .
It wasn’t until my last year of university that I begun to go out often with friends and socializing with girls regularly. But by then it was obvious that girls were not interested in me, would try to talk to girls at parties, but while my friends were getting a lot of attention from girls I was mostly ignored. This hasn’t help my confidence.
I am now 28, on a new city, on a new job and I am determined to try to have a relationship .
I’ve started going to the gym, to get my body in shape. I’ve started making friends at work. They’ve been showing me the city and taken me out dancing, drinking, etc.
I met a girl at my company she’s a temp, working on her PHD. Completely out of my league. She’s smart, funny and seems very self assure of herself. We’ve talked a bit at work about our cultures, and our interests, but mostly about professional stuff.
Today I casually asked her what she had planed this weekend, she told me that she would be going out with friends, but wasn’t too hyped about it. I told here I had plans to go out with some friends that were coming from out of town and I asked her if she would like to join. She said she would and gave me her number.
I know it’s not a real date, and more like just hanging out with new people, but I think I like har and I don’t wanna fuck it up like I always do, so I think it’s safest to hang out with her around other people for now. I also don’t know I don’t know if she likes me or not, and asking her out on a date might just be awkward. I would love to ask her out on a real date.
TL;DR: OP is great with people, but a moron around girls. Always goes for girls that are completely out of his league and gets rejected. He’s planing on turning his life around, but it’s being a little bitch about asking a girl that he likes (from work) out.
>When college begun I was completely self-conscious of my looks, I didn’t ask anyone out for fear of rejection and I begun to spend more time in my room playing video games rather than socializing, my early 20’s went by and I stayed single.
Sadly, this seems to be the pattern for many people. I know so many guys that said they have social anxiety so they ran to video games and hermit living. Then they wake up one day at 28 and think…jesus where am I? Thus you see guys overwhelmed with dating apps and the overall speed of dating and relationships. But the truth is, it was accelerating while you were in the cave playing video games. I think this is something that a lot of people your age are going through.
>I found the courage to ask a coworker out once, she said yes and we went out on a date to the movies, but after I turned into a zombie again and all of my charisma went to shit, so when I dropped her off at her house, I said good night immediately walked to my car. I was terrified .
You have like the most 1st world problem examples of failed dates. You did everything right, then you keep stepping on lava and sabotaging your own situation. This turning into a « zombie » is something you will have to work through…not just wait and hope you dont one day. The more experience the better. Don’t put all your eggs in one ballsack. You need reps, not the perfect girl. Remember that. Stop being terrified, you arent hanging out with ISIS.
>I know it’s not a real date, and more like just hanging out with new people, but I think I like har and I don’t wanna fuck it up like I always do, so I think it’s safest to hang out with her around other people for now. I also don’t know I don’t know if she likes me or not, and asking her out on a date might just be awkward. I would love to ask her out on a real date.
I feel like you’re in too deep, too early. Stop worrying about fucking up something that hasnt even materialized yet. Think about how insane that is. Whats to fuck up so far? You don’t even know.
So if you dont even know if she likes you…what is there to fuck up? Nothing. Its a thing you are planting in your mind, and its a bad habit. There’s nothing to fuck up unless you create things to fuck up.
See how the night goes. If it goes well, ask her out to coffee or something light. Hang out for an hour or two, then try to plan the next date. Don’t try to go in and romantically WOW her. Thats not your game. You need some time, you need to relax and you need a girl that is patient. Otherwise, its probably going to be stressful…at least for this level experience you’ve gained.
You’re 28. You should have some more money than the younger kids, you should have more resources and life experience. Use that. 28 isnt too late at all. I feel like my real adult life started when I was around 29.
If you truly want to overcome the fear of talking to women and any bodily insecurities, there are two failsafe ways to do it:
First you start working out seriously and go 3 days a week. Then you make it 4 days a week. You research fitness and gradually become more interested in it as well as nutrition. You also dial back on other useless hobbies that give no return on time invested (I.E gaming) . Once your confidence is upped enough you start going to dancing classes (must be PAIR dancing!), like Salsa.
Lifting will enable your confidence bit by bit and slowly chip away your insecurities. Dancing will enable you to look women in their eyes, with a smile, while also gradually enable you to see them as people and not some mysterious creature that you can’t figure out. Finally you’ll be able to talk to them and have fun when social dancing. Eventually you might find someone you like and ask them out.
Above is my 1 year journey from breaking up with my ex of 10 years. I had no experience in dating before her or after and have only been with that woman all my life until recently. I basically considered myself a virgin because of that inexperience. Besides, she picked me and courted me, I didn’t pick her..
All it takes for you is to step out of your comfort zone. And there are better ways to do it than running over to /r/seduction and learning pick up lines. It’s better to work on yourself before even consider dating. I only started dating again 3 months back, but only after being a hermit and working on myself for 10 months straight. I’m turning 30 next month btw.