Dating : I’m embarrassed. She’s not in my life anymore but she’s still in my head.

Dating : I’m embarrassed. She’s not in my life anymore but she’s still in my head.

So, a quick backstory… I (21M) met this girl (19F) late 2019. We became friends, started studying together, went to the same church and was just spending a lot of time together, we were seeing everyday. I fell for her as we connected so well, we opened up a lot to each other and she was just someone I loved being with. I found out she was already in a relationship all this while and was shocked because I didn’t expect someone in a relationship to be that close with me. I wanted to cut things off but she continued relating as if nothing happened. During the lockdown, I couldn’t take it anymore and I told her I wanted a relationship and since she’s already in one, it would be best if we cut things off. That didn’t last as we started talking again. We talked everyday, started doing things in common, and she would share with me every detail of her day. There was just no boundary with us. After about 6 months, I brought up wanting a relationship and she declined, giving a reason that I know she’s in one already. I cut things off, and after about three days, she texted saying, « Really, I like you. Talking to you, everything, but not in that way at the moment. To be selfish, I want you to stay but if you feel the best thing is to leave, I understand. » I decided to stay and I hate myself for it. I interpreted this as her telling me she was interested in me and that I should probably hang around in case a break up happened with her bf. I knew I wasn’t okay with being friends and I stayed nonetheless. I don’t know if I can forgive myself for that.

We were basically acting like couples after this and we were vulnerable with each other. She basically tells me everything. I’ve never been in a relationship and I am someone that hardly socialize and open up but with her, it just came naturally. She was my person and I believed if there’s anything like a soulmate, she was that for me. We started learning Spanish together, her idea,and it was like our thing. I was always the first one she’d talk to if anything was wrong, and if she sees anything she thinks is cute, she always snapped and sent to me. She just made me feel special in a way no one has and really cared about me. February, this year, I raised it up again… And this time, she asked me why I was still talking to her and went on to say that we were only still talking because she thought I was okay with being friends. I couldn’t believe it cos nothing about our relationship implied friendship. I have told her on numerous occasions that she was more than a friend to me, I basically treat her as my girlfriend and in no way could she have thought that I didn’t want more. I was hurt. She then said she knows what I want but she doesn’t see it happening anytime soon, and that she asked why I was still talking to her because it’s either I’m waiting for something that might not happen or I’m okay with it not happening. I told her I was not okay with being friends and knowing that she’s with another person just hurts me and that it’s best if we just let each other be this time. A part of me understands and that she should be loyal to her bf but it doesn’t make it hurt less.

We’ve tried to keep the distance but it’s just hard as school has resumed again. We attend the same church and I still see her at least once a week. I’ve deleted her contact and all her pictures from my phone. I was the first to contact after our result was released, just to ask her about her result since we studied for it together. She texted me back after two weeks to ask for my advice about a decision she was to make. We didn’t contact each other for up to a month before she texted again and this time, it was to check up on me. When I see her in church, sometimes we greet, sometimes we don’t. I still don’t know how to handle all these. And when we greet, it’s just a handshake, or a wave and just an « how are you doing? ». I texted her like two weeks ago, we’re on a common WhatsApp group, so I can get her number anytime. I just really missed her and wanted to talk to her… I asked how she has been and what she’s been up to lately.. A few days after, she texted me because the football club she supports won the champions League. We have a common friend who had his birthday party this Monday, I was going for a handshake, but she hugged me when she saw me. It’s the first time we’ve hugged since we stopped talking and I just had mixed feelings about that. I wasn’t ready.

Now why I made this post, I was really stressed out today and while walking around campus, I was just thinking about her and how I’d tell her how stressful today was if we were still talking. And as I looked up, i saw her walking in another route. I was shocked, felt like a pure coincidence. I don’t know if she saw me or not, but stupid me wasn’t thinking, I changed my route and went to hers, called her name and waved, she waved back and continued going, looked like she was in a hurry. Seeing her react that way, like I was just someone casual, felt really bad. It dawned on me that I might not actually mean anything to her again, I felt stupid and embarrassed. I mean it’s been 4 months since I decided to break things off. But I haven’t moved on. I thought things would be better now, but it’s not. I still think about her every single day and sometimes it’s like I don’t want to move on.

She was such a big part of my life. She’s not in my life anymore but she’s still in my head. I really miss feeling special to her and the access I had to her and I long for it again. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired. I’m embarrassed because we weren’t even in a relationship and she has this much power over me. And obviously, I’m nothing to her now. I just want to forget her and move on but I’m starting to think I won’t. I’m a medical student and I’ve tried to take my mind off it with studying but it doesn’t work. I end up thinking about her most times I’m studying. And most times, I don’t have interest in anything. I sometimes wish I would just sleep and not wake up. I don’t know how to go about this.