Dating : Just bailed on a first date. Am I the asshole?
So I met a girl via an app. We’ve been talking for a bit, and I asked if we could go out to do something. Found a common day and started to plan things.
Initially I asked if she wanted to go walk the beach (there’s a beach in my area). She’s not a beach fan, which is cool because I’m honestly not either.
So I found out there’s a bar near her that has trivia. How about that? Turns out she doesn’t drink.
How ’bout a coffee shop? She’s not really into coffee.
Dinner? I pick a place or two but she thinks they close too early.
So I say shoot, I’m out of ideas. Let me know what would be fun for you. My last idea is for her to just come to my place and I can cook for her and we can watch a show or something.
Well the day of arrives and I’m bugging her for ideas and she says she hasn’t thought of one yet. We get to the time when we were supposed to have the date and she asks what we’re doing. I decide to call a rain check and say we can do something another time.
Then she decides to come up with a few ideas that sound good, but I can’t handle it… I gotta know where I’m going ahead of time. She lives 45 min away and we’re both hungry, and I didn’t bother getting ready because I was suspicious whether it was going to happen anyway. I tell her I need to know stuff sooner than last minute, that’s just how I am.
She says, « you could’ve just told me if you didn’t want to hang out. » I explain that I do, I just want to know sooner what we’re doing. I ask when is she available next?
Now I’m getting the silent treatment.
The answer is probably obvious, but I haven’t dated in a while and am curious about Reddit’s take. I think it’s a red flag, and especially ironic because we were just talking about how we mutually value patience in a relationship.
Edit: thanks guys, i feel better about the whole thing. I find being out of the dating game too long drops my confidence through the floor.
Dude you made a bunch of suggestions and she turned them down without offering any of her own. You asked her for an idea, and she didn’t have any until the day of? Then she turns it back in you like YOU’RE the one that doesn’t want to hang out?! Wtf. You tried to make plans and she didn’t. Definitely not a loss, forget her.
Edit: More indignation after rereading your post
You’re better off.
You did good.
I’m the same kind of person. I’m a planner and I prefer to have advance notice of things. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Honestly, I think dropping everything to drive 45 minutes wouldn’t have been a great look either. To me, sounds a bit like borderline gaslighting. You gave her options, she turned them down but didn’t counter with anything. At the best, she’s got poor communication skills. At worst, she likes to play games. Like the others have said, you’re better off.
Ps. It was never actually a date = you didn’t cancel on your nonexistent plans = you’re not the asshole.
I would have just went picked her up at the agreed time, then asked her what she wanted to do. I’m sure you two could have agreed on any nearby restaurant to eat at. Hell, that would have been better than NO DATE!!
She seems like a complicated girl so I think you dodged a bullet there, mate. You can’t be the only one putting forth effort, she continuously shot down every idea you had without bringing any suggestions of her own to the table. We live in a society where the guy is expected to entertain and take the lead in the dating game. When she realized you had given up on that, she scrambled and started shooting off all these good ideas of what to do with you. I would have *maybe* given her another chance, if not for that melodramatic remark at the end: »you could’ve just told me if you didn’t want to hang out. » Nope. Bye ho.
Not saying you were wrong here as she had plenty of « excuses » to shoot down your ideas but did you find out what type of dates she likes or what her interests are? Some people find sit down drinks/coffee to be interview like. Perhaps a more energetic activity?
Additionally, why didn’t you just tell her earlier that since you guys didn’t have a plan, you had no idea how the date was gonna work? Instead of waiting on the time of without a plan?
A walk on the beach and drinks or coffee aren’t the only date ideas. She could’ve been more helpful but you didn’t necessarily go out of your way with those ideas.
Not saying this is all on you but since you are the one asking for advice and not her, you also could’ve handled it differently. Choosing not to go out with her after all those excuses was also an option as well lol
Dodged a bullet. There’s indecisiveness and then there’s whatever she is
Some people can go spur of the moment and some people need more prep time. It seems like this is how the two of you are, in regard to this first meeting.
While there were no concrete plans for a date, I can also see her point that she thought there would still be one. She may have been more OK to wing it than you were, but there was still the implied meeting day and time, and because both of you chatted on that day about it, that it would still happen.
But that doesn’t mean you’re the ass for not meeting up, based on the conditions of this date.
It’s ok if it doesn’t work out. If she can’t see that she has some fault in this, then it sounds like you dodged a bullet in this potential relationship that won’t get off the ground. The funny thing is that she will think you are in the wrong, and consider you to be the flaky one, even though you gave it plenty of effort to meet up.
It’s already complicated and you haven’t even started dating yet. You dodged a bullet. Next!
Ha!
Boy she mindfucked u good.
And shes laughin bout it
Going forward, find out her schedule in the coming week, then pick a time that works for you. Then, don’t ask… be decisive and tell her where to meet you.
For instance:
« PLACE has a great EVENT, at TIME… You should meet me there; it’ll be fun. »
Something along those lines. Sure, it won’t work for everyone, but you want a woman who’s cooperative; otherwise you’ll be doing things you don’t want to do… simply to appease a stranger.
(Women are indecisives by nature anyway. Have you ever asked woman what she wants to eat? It’s usually « whatever » or « I don’t know. » )
But if it’s the first time meeting, you shouldn’t be over-investing with major plans anyway. Grab a coffee, tea, etc. at a walkable area and go for a walk. See how the in-person vibe is before anything else.
It kinda sounds like she’s just nervous to actually meet up and do something. I prefer the simple « let’s meet here and see where things go », opposed to planning everything out. Some people (like her) make it far, far, far more difficult than it has to be.