Dating : Long-time virgin [29M] unable to get erection with first partner
I’m a 29M, virgin all my life, never even kissed a girl before. Lately I’ve found a great girl and we’re madly infatuated by each other but when we tried having sex a couple days ago, I could not get an erection for all things holy. There was just _no way in hell_ for my penis to even budge. We’ve been making out for a long time beforehand, I went down on her, she tried going down on me, body kisses, what have you – all to no avail, as if my penis didn’t even recognize the situation. Never in my life had this happened to me and I was really disappointed by this fact. I’m healthy, I work out regularly, I have no troubles getting hard for masturbation but I do not do it excessively. During the past weeks, since I met my SO, I basically masturbated two or three times max cause I did not even feel the need to do that, being so preoccupied with my feelings towards her and her character. If anything, I had more trouble with random boners or getting hard at memories in my head in the past than _ever_ having a problem with an erection when I wanted it.
What saddens me is that I have no idea what went wrong and how I can prevent this the next time. As a consequence, I’m getting a bit paranoid over how things go the next time we try it in a couple of days cause I can’t even pinpoint what went wrong to fix it. I’m blaming stress but I felt pretty calm (consciously at least) and very aroused during our interaction and yet penis was still limp. Also, how in the world am I supposed to even get rid of the stress consciously. This uncertainty is killing me cause I’d really like to be able to have sex with her but I don’t have any idea what to do to make it work this time.
Any tips? What to do, what not to do?
Performance anxiety is extremely common. You’re definitely not the only one. My ex had the same problem because « i was out of his league » and we’ve stayed together for 2 years. It’s not a deal breaker since it can be solved by therapy. Some therapist can even prescrive you blue pills. I know it sounds intense but it helps you to to have sex and that creates positive experience with your partner. You dont want to be stuck with only negative experiences otherwise these memories will only make it worst and worst
This is really normal. You have trained your body your whole life to get an erection and ejaculate alone. When you add a partner into the mix, your body gets confused and doesnt know what to do. It happens to a lot of people that have sex for the first time in their 20’s. I dont know if i have much advice other than keep trying. It will take time for your body to get used to that type of stimulation.
It’s nerves. You might be overthinking. Ide say just start making out and don’t plan to go all the way. If it progresses it progresses and if it doesn’t that’s okay too.
you must really like her. the only times i haven’t been able to get hard is when i really like the person. stop jacking off for a bit, slow things down, and let it just happen. i think you’re having performance anxiety especially considering you’re a virgin. communicate to her that you just need a little time and you’ll be cool. it happens.
Exact same thing happened to me yesterday I’m a virgin but I had a really tough time getting an erection with this girl last night. I tried just being in the moment that didn’t work tried thinking of something that always gets me up nothing worked I did manage to get hard for 20 seconds before it went soft again while she was blowing me but that was about it. I think it’s just being nervous lmk what happens when you try again tho (I’m 18 btw)
I assume your watching porn. Don’t watch porn. It has many negative side effects. If you go to the site your brain on porn . com no spaces, it tells you the studies that have conducted that can support sexual trouble with watching porn.
Not a big deal. I hope she could handle it. Just relax the next time. Maybe open a bottle of wine together.
In the best way both of you will get a little dizzy and funny,you know what I mean.
Just Stay cool, you are no robot.
Stop masturbating and watching porn for now. That definitely can effect performance. See /r/nofap.
Also could be first time nerves. Just try again and let her know it wasn’t about her last time you were just nervous. Should take some of the pressure off.
Its nerves/pressure to perform, plain and simple. Fairly common among first-timers and people who have gone a long time without sex. Frankly I’d be a little surprised if everything went smoothly for someone who had waited so long.
That’s a lot of pressure and you are in a very unfamiliar situation which makes you sort of nervous and the body just doesn’t respond to that pressure well, especially if you start thinking that its not working and then that makes it worse and it snowballs.
> I’m blaming stress but I felt pretty calm (consciously at least)
Sometimes the nerves are more subconscious but it will still likely fix itself once you realize its not going to be happening forever and the girl is not going to be upset if it doesn’t happen tonight (it sounds like she was not) and its no big deal if it doesn’t work today specifically.
Luckily you say she’s madly infatuated so it doesn’t need to work right away and its no big deal if it takes a few tries or even a dozen tries to get right so there really is no pressure.
Just talk to her about it so she knows how much you like her and let her know you’ve heard nerves sometimes make this happen to some guys the first few tries but you are excited to keep trying and it will work itself out. In the meantime you can pleasure her and play with each other and if that leads to being physically ready for sex go for it, keeping in mind it may not happen on any given night and that even once you give it a try its no big deal if it doesn’t quite stick around at first because it is bound to happen sooner or later and before you know it this will all be a distant memory.
If you aren’t willing to wait that long you can always get a pill just to get you over the hump of the first few times. They are safe as long as you don’t have certain medical conditions and there are several reputable services that make them pretty easy to discretely get online these days and they will solve the issue immediately. Once you do it a few times (maybe even just once) you won’t need them anymore because the pressure will be gone.
Point being, yes its scary when you don’t understand it but its very common in your situation and it will be very solvable.