Dating : My fiancé broke up with me
Hey first time posting here. My ex fiancé broke up with me to work on themselves but wanted to remain friends. I (still) have a hard time understanding why they needed to break up with me when our relationship has always helped us through many difficult times in life.
I tried to be their friend but It was hard because I was still very in love with them. Every single second as a “friend” was torture since I was deeply hoping that we’d get back together. When they couldn’t give me an indicator if they were open to seeing me romantically in the future, I started being incredibly anxious and overwhelmed with feelings. I projected all my fears onto them and talked about how insecure this breakup had made me and after a few back and forth of villainising me despite my pure intentions, they decided to go on separate ways permanently.
It hurts me that they seemed ok from going from fiancé to friend and then to a stranger within 6 days. I feel that for all we’ve been through and all that I’ve done (won’t go into private details), I’ve been made to feel that I wasn’t enough and this breakup just affirms that anxiety.
I’ve always been a confident, secure and sure person. I feel like they’ve broken me and I can’t go back to the me that was so happy and sure a month ago.
99% of me still wants them back, but i don’t know what to do about that.
Another part of me think it is time I focus on me. Because I deserve better than someone who cherry picks on me when all i want to give was love.
If you can send through some resources, links, advice, or just kind messages that would help a lot. Thank you.
Sorry you’re going through this… when break-ups occur, we don’t always get the closure we want/need. (I certainly didn’t).
At first it’s like an open wound, then it closes over and becomes less sore as time goes on, then only when accidentally scratched.
Wishing you all the best for a speedy recovery! Best advice I can give you:
– go NC… out of sight, out of mind
– focus on yourself
– eat well, sleep well, work on your fitness
– explore your interests
No one else is responsible for our own happiness. It’s our brains that make us happy. Time to recalibrate your thoughts and feelings.
God bless!
I should add some resources. I apologize my brain is still kind of scrambled eggs. Looking into Attachment-theory and finding out I’m an AA AH helped me tremendously. I’ve been in the dumps for 2 months thinking that how I felt was normal and she should feel the same way. Guess I was wrong.
The no-contact sub may help too, although I’ll admit I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it more than a week. But if you can Kudos to you.
The fake offer of friendship and then turning it back on you to make it look like your fault that they can’t maintain communication with you (as friends only) in just a few days, shows that they were actually really wanting to leave the relationship behind.
This is not something you did at all.
This is something they decided already for a long time ago that they wanted to be done with the relationship, and they just recently told you about it but emotionally and romantically , the connection is gone already.
It’s not related to something that just happened or was said in the last 6 days.
hey op i’d like to say that i’m really sorry to hear that you’re having to go through this. regardless of the way that things ended, wanting to be with someone who is uncertain (or unclear) about their feelings for you can be one of the hardest things to deal with. i’m going to break my response into a few little sections.
I think one of the most important first steps is to lean into these emotions to understand more about yourself and your pain. write down how this makes you feel, what do you make it mean (ie. you saying you don’t feel good enough), what you loved about your partner, what you didn’t like so much, and how do you feel about the actions you took/person you were when you were in this relationship. all this stuff is to know what you look for in future relationships and what things you want to leave behind
I’ve seen that some people have been talking about attachment styles which is one of the first places my mind went to guiding you to help. there is a youtube channel called The Personal Development School that you should look into. I used to be a really anxious-leaning FA to the point where I would get extremely anxious or not eat for days whenever things weren’t going perfectly in my relationships. the things i’ve learned on that channel have helped me deconstruct enmeshment patterns that had been causing me to depend on others to reinforce my own sense of self worth. i’m not sure how much of your struggle relates to any of that but there are a lot of great resources on their regardless of what you might be going through.
but honestly another thing to say is that there are going to be a lot of people who won’t be able to fully understand the pain you’re going through. not every person loses someone as close as a fiancé and so they may not be able to help you in the ways that you really need in the moment. try to tune into how you feel and realize that the only person you need validation from is yourself.
I came across a quote today that may help you “if you lost yourself in the relationship, find yourself in the heartbreak”-jay shetty (also probably a good person to learn from)
sometimes life puts the biggest roadblock on the path you’re traveling, but it is just a sign that maybe you’re supposed to take a different road to get to where you’re meant to be.
hope things work out for you op
Wow this sounds almost excatly like me and my experiences a few months ago, minus the fiance part it was with my ex girlfriend but still a long term relationship of 4 years and everything sounds the same from the « I need to work on myself » when our relationship was going strong to the going from partners to friends to nothing in like a week.
I know things must be really hard right now and that’s okay but trust me that things will get better. First off it’s okay to grieve and feel bad about it, and if you can’t do everything to recover perfectly at the beginning then that’s okay it’ll take some time, maybe even alot, however much you need. You don’t need to do everything people tell you perfectly either just relax, reset, and try your best to get better little by little. Don’t blame yourself for how things happened, it’s not your fault, it was all just them and their thing so don’t spend your energy worrying about that it will be wasted! Shame on them anyways because they don’t deserve you.
Try your best to seperate yourself from them in terms of contact completely, as well as stuff like there social media, pictures, gifts, etc. It’ll be easier the more and more you do it. Seperate yourself from that life little by little and try to go back to when you were on your own, be accepting and be okay with that fact. Block them from things too I know that might be hard but it’s painful to see them and if you can eliminate the pain do it as much as you can and do what’s good for you, focus on yourself. Also try to get something to do to distract yourself and get your mind on something else.
The number 1 thing I did personally to help me was I spent alot of time with my friends, this personally helped me alot, made me happy and made me remember that there is more to life then that one relationship I was in. This can be anyone for you though, friends, family, just spend time with people and you’ll start to feel better. You can confide in them too if you want to and then later on you’ll feel better and you can just hang out and socialize and have fun. If you don’t have people, well you must have free time now so go out and socialize with people! Again this process can take time but do your best. Look into finding new people or reach out to some old ones.
Focus on yourself and try to be happy, try to raise your self confidence and tell yourself that you are okay and you are wonderful! You will believe what you tell yourself so start telling yourself the right things and you’ll believe that too! Accept everything that’s happened and move forward and be free with your life, this process can take however long you need it to just keep trying! Don’t go for rebounds or anything either though, but one day when your alone and happy and good with yourself and everything, you can find someone to truly appreciate and love you the way you deserve 🙂
Things will get better I promise, even though it’s tough keep trying and making an effort to move forward and be better! It’ll be alright! I wish you the best of luck!!
Wat up
I’m in the same position as you
My 3 year fiancee broke up with me 2 months ago, for reasons that are still not 100% clear to me
So far my method of coping has been « revenge by getting better »
I have started properly working out, loosing weight and improving myself, partially out of spite
I still miss her, but it helps me get out of the house and feel better about myself
If you want to complain and stuff feel free to dm me, we can wollow in misery together :p
That’s great to hear. Good luck to you and if you need any more advice don’t be afraid to reach out or post. There are more people than you think going through similar things.
I feel you. I’ve been burned too many times I don’t give a flying fuck anymore. You have every right to be bitter. Fuck them
My I ask you a question? Why do you use the pronoun They them to your ex ?
I know exactly how you feel. most of what you described has described me as well. Except me and my ex share a child and I am currently living in her house. I want to move so bad because I find myself feeling so alone in this house. I just don’t know what to do.
They were probably cheating on you if they can go that cold so quickly
You need to get laid yesterday
Best way to get over a girl is to smash a new one
You love who you that it … just wait he back.. have fun now Life is Life …. don’t get forgot..