Dating : Non American Black male in American city – I have my life (very) together but women won’t even look at me (rant mainly)
I’ve been living in a large, west coast, US city for nearly 4 years now and i’m considering moving due to my lack of dating success here. I haven’t had a single relationship since i moved here and i haven’t been with anyone for 18 months now. By all accounts, i have my life together. I am turning 27; i make over 160k; well educated; nice apartment; well travelled; fluent in multiple languages; pretty tall; in good shape and; decent looking.
What i believe is holding me back is the fact that I am black in a largely non-black city. This mainly limits my dating pool to black women (unfortunately very few where i live). Any other attention i get is from women who either 1) don’t have much going on in their life/don’t properly look after themselves health and cleanliness wise or 2) women who want to date me simply because i am black – and this lot is quickly disappointed because i am not the stereotypical black american male (whatever that is), mainly because i am english.
My dating attempts and (few) successes have all come from online dating. I dislike in-person approaches because of unpleasant experiences and bad energy i get from people here. It is not an issue of confidence (i think) – i am a litigator and I’ve had to get over nerves early on in my 20s. But, on the streets people don’t even look at me in the eye when i am trying to smile at them (a common courtesy in most places i imagine). I’ve seen some women physically avoid walking by me. This weekend, a young woman literally jumped scared when she saw me walking beside her in broad daylight and on a very busy street. She came up to me to apologize afterwards but i was so upset by it all that i started thinking about relocating then and there. Again, this is a very large and supposedly the most progressive US city. The several times i’ve tried chatting up women in person have all failed and sometimes spectacularly. I don’t mind being rejected, if they aren’t interested then i don’t really need to know why and i won’t pester. But they were often dismissive and very disrespectful. Comments about my blackness came up on three memorable occasions. On top of all that, I frequently hear people saying things about me/giving me strange looks in the street or the cafe i like to work in, and even in my own office and apartment buildings. Like I am somehow not supposed to be anywhere i am supposed to be. All that to say, i am increasingly uncomfortable in these ends and that is why i don’t approach women in person.
My female friends, my workmates, and my sisters all told me that everything will work out and that i need to be patient and more proactive. Oddly enough, they all advise against online dating as apparently « there is nothing for me there ». At this point however, i am really over it. Im highly successful in all my other pursuits but my dating track record is starting to make me feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like i wasted my best looking and most exciting years in a city that i madly really fell in love with when i first visited. I passed on london, nyc, and paris to be here but it is what it is at this point. Likely moving back home but also starting to consider toronto as it will be an easier transition workwise and it’s a great city despite the weather. thx for reading!
24m black male educated and living in the deep south. SC to be exact. As much I don’t want to leave where I live, (I live about 20mins away from 3 beaches) I may have to. As much as the girls, I go out with like me or have fun hanging out with me, they won’t date me due to race.
Had this girl last night tell me her family wouldn’t allow it. I see some of my Caucasian friends literally just show up anywhere and girls are immediately interested. It’s frustrating, I’ve definitely had several thoughts like “it doesn’t matter how well you two get along, race will always play a factor.”
I’d say give it some time OP, and if it doesn’t appear to get better, than leave, I know it’s something I’m considering doing
I’m brown and I have the same problems. I don’t scare women though probably because I’m too physically small to be scary. The only men who have universal success in dating are white and tall guys. The rest of us, well, you described it.
Maybe Atlanta? Lots of Black professionals there or D.C.?
I feel for you!
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Maybe a more cosmopolitan city will be better just because something is « progressive » doesn’t mean it’s « good »
Ya, I pretty much have similar education and half your income and live in a supposed progressive American city whose women inhabitants just so happened to be attracted to the same few tall attractive white guys also a non-American black.
I and pretty much and some of my friends have resorted to long-distance relationships with women overseas in the Philippines for example. And the women in question are college-educated. I have never been complimented by my physical appearance by women until I started dating overseas. Honestly, I think a lot of guys in the near future are going to do what I do.
It came from a simple question. What can short non-facially attractive ethnic men do to get relationships in America? Go overseas
And the funny thing is that we are not old like the stereotype of the typical guy who finds love in SEA. We are in our early to mid-20s. How bad has it gotten that to find fulfilling relationships, guys like me have to resort to leaving the country?
I don’t recommend you do this since you still have height going for you. But if you do decide, there is no shame
Dude, I’m sry to hear that. If you’re considering relocating and want dating to work as well, why don’t you consider NYC or Chicago? Both these cities are inarguably two of the best cities in the world and strongly believe interracial dating is common there.
West coast might sound progressive, but I feel west coast is primarily dominated by Asians/South Asians.
Everything is going to be okay.
Some questions, plus thoughts for your consideration:
-Lucky for you and me, we and our dating outlook have a way of improving with age. I always had a life I love in general, and on top of that hit my stride in dating in my 30s.
-I am sorry for the nutty and unusual racial experience you’ve been having. In my own way, I feel I can relate to some things about being “one of the few around”.
-Question – what are examples of things you say when you approach in public?
Brit Asian, educated and living in the Home Counties in a very white area.
I personally feel you. Sometimes when I walk in the street, I feel almost invisible. Whenever I’ve dated anyone who wasn’t of my heritage, I always get asked, « what would your parent’s say at you dating a white woman? » Like, why should they even have to say anything at all?! I hate that movie East is East (1999) with a passion for this reason.
I dated a girl from Tunbridge Wells who ghosted me after a few dates, then reappeared three months later, telling me that « a small part » of her going AWOL was due to my cultural differences in my heritage! Like, WTF, I am British born and raised.
When I go to orchestral performances, or to the theatre, I always get looked at funnily, and then during the intermission, one or two will hobble over to see what I am doing there. Insulting, to say the least.
As a fellow Brit, we young men of South Asian heritage are demonised as either fanatical extremists or as creeps, who are out of touch with the world.
Sadly, I’ve taken to white-washing my heritage and Anglicising my name.
Hate to tell you America is more racist than the isles…..
I would add that as a white Irishman also living in the USA, I have also found dating in the USA to be quite difficult. It may not just be your race working against you, but also cultural differences between the USA and UK. For me, I’ve found American women difficult to talk to in public, and in top of that their sense of humour being extremely different, especially on the west coast where it seems nobody understands irony or dark humour of any kind, something rather fundamental to a British Isles sense of humour. Big American cities are quite unfriendly places compared to the UK and Ireland, alas.
I have no advice for you OP, just sympathies from a cultural cousin.
I’m English (Kent) white, now living near Toronto. My last long term boyfriend is English (south London) and black. There are tons of places that are much more cosmopolitan and you’ll have much better luck, I’m sure.
You didn’t really ask for advice, but you have the income, why not do the research and see if there is a place that black men are more successful. As an Asian, I’ve felt exactly what you feel. But I don’t know. I don’t know how much is racism and how much is my own childhood neglect and missing parents. There is no proof I’m fighting against racism, only a feeling. And since there’s no proof, I don’t let it limit me. I’ll have to confer with more Asians in town.
Why don’t you come back to Europe? Small towns are hell, but in big cities in France, the UK or Spain interracial couples are just normal and l don’t think an educated man would have any problem regardless of race.
Just my two cents as a European woman.
This is awful. It’s something I notice in the UK too. I’m white and female but I don’t really have dating preferences based on looks, so I’ve dated a real range of people. But I remember years ago dating this gorgeous guy who was doing his PhD, he had very dark skin, and a racist “friend” of my naive best friend kept telling her that he was a crack dealer and getting her to repeat some disgustingly racist stuff in my ear while I was out having drinks with him. It was appalling. My now older and wiser friend is now appalled at herself for blindly repeating those cruel words. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to be black and dating in such a white centric world. Just this small taste has left me sick to my stomach even ten years on. I work in mental health now and I’m seriously concerned by the effects of racism on peoples mental well-being. I’ve seen it on trash tv dating shows where gorgeous successful people of colour are either fetishised or overlooked. I can imagine that in America it would be even worse.
Not anything helpful to say, but more that I hear you. It’s messed up. It shouldn’t be this way. I hope things will change. But it honestly sounds like any woman would be lucky to have you. And I guess while not really comforting to you, the right woman will benefit from so many women overlooking you for the colour of your skin, because she’ll stand out for being the one seeing you for you.
Unfortunately racism is thriving herein the US. If you don’t go to Canada, consider Austin, Houston, Dallas, Atlanta and Chicago. The populations are more diverse and you could probably make a similar salary, adjusted for cost of living
i see white women with black men often in the city i live in, and it’s the whitest county in my state. keep your head up
Sorry dude. I found America to be pretty racist for dating. If you’re interested in pursuing black women, there’s lots of data on cities with higher populations of black people. Perhaps break out Tinder passport?
https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-01-09/the-best-and-worst-cities-for-black-women