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Dating : Should it always be « effortless » with the right person?

Dating : Should it always be « effortless » with the right person?


(30M) My relationship just ended with a girl I’ve been seeing for a few months. Things seemed promising. We had a lot of great dates, and there was a connection there, but occasionally some of our dates would start with a sort of tension. We always broke through the tension, though, and the dates would end well.

When we had our conversation about calling it off, this « tension » issue came up as the main reason we weren’t progressing. We both couldn’t put our finger on where it was coming from.

If you are with the right person, should every interaction feel effortless?

Also, how do you go about analyzing this type of situation to figure out if it’s purely an issue of incompatibility or more to do with a personal flaw of your own that, if improved, would have made the difference?

A bit heartbroken but trying to learn from the experience. It’s difficult when you feel like there are so many great moments that should signal compatibility, but there is some underlying issue and you both have no idea what the root cause is.

What do you think?

5 Comments

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  1. I don’t think it realistic to ever expect a relationship to be effortless. Tension is a somewhat ambiguous term…You might try to figure that out by examining how you felt before the date. Were you feeling tense before you met up? If you were feeling tense was it related to something that happened earlier, like at work or something? If so, then it’s likely that the tension was your tension. Or was the tension related to something your were anticipating that was going to happen? If the tension just showed up once you met up with her then where did that come from. Are you an empath and experiencing her feelings? Was it her tension? Was it related to your interactions? Was it the place you met? Was it your gut telling your something?

    Who noticed the tension and what did it look like? Was she short and tense when you were trying to be friendly and intimate or what?

  2. It might be difficult to answer this question without knowing more; though that does not mean there’s a need for you to tell Reddit all sorts of additional details about your experience.

    But what I will say is, I know it totally BLOWS when a really cool connection *finally* comes along but then is ended.

    And a great thing to keep in mind is that even though finding a soulmate-level connection with someone amazing is unfortunately no guarantee of spending eternity with that person… (instead, it is more like a gift we can be thankful to have been allowed to experience for however long it lasts, whether sixteen weeks or sixteen months)… The other thing that is true is that, lucky for us – finding that level of connection with someone amazing is not something that only can happen once for us in life.

    Hang in there, and focus on your gratitude for the recent reminder that something so cool can come along for you! All the best.

  3. I mean, I think that initial tension is normal at first . Idk how long you’ve been together for, but in my experience that tension eventually goes away . I’m thinking tension as in awkward silence moments and not angry tension moments . What really helped for me and my bf was that he became vulnerable after a few dates and was the first to be vulnerable .

  4. I was really tense, way more than I wanted to be with the first 3 guys I « dated » (very strong term in the sense). I couldn’t tell if it was my own anxiety and in my head, if the other person felt it, or if we were just incompatible? My now bf, I am generally less anxious around him but I do suffer from anxiety so it comes up sometimes. other times I sense him getting a bit nervous or tense around me too. but most of the time, these moments don’t overlap? i’ll be silently freaking out and then he says something to break the tension and im immediately at ease and I remember why I like him so much. on the other hand when I sense anxiousness from him I provide reassurance verbally or physically. when I capture these moments happening I think we must just be good together. so I think it is the person

  5. >If you are with the right person, should every interaction feel effortless?

    No.

    >how do you go about analyzing this type of situation to figure out if
    it’s purely an issue of incompatibility or more to do with a personal
    flaw of your own that, if improved, would have made the difference?

    By talking with the other person, and/or with the help of a counselor or therapist.

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