Dating : Understanding the motivation behind fake personas and predator behaviour
Proclaimer: This is not a « gender 1 is better than the other ». I am sure this applies to both genders. As a straight female, I know this from guys more often than from guys. I’m a 26F. Also, yes, I’ve made a new account for this post, because I don’t want people I know to see my private stuff, if that makes sense.
Let’s call this guy A. I met him online on a platform. When I got to know A, it seemed almost too perfect. He shared all my hobbies of staying in, gaming, etc. During this time, I was in another country and would return back home in a few days, which I told him right away when we met. I met him in that country I was currently in. We did this pretty quickly, for said reason. In person, he also seemed almost too perfect – sharing every hobby, mindset, etc.
We kept talking on phone, Discord, Skype everyday , he would call me to say good morning and good night and we would talk and coop through the day. However, I would notice some red flags soon and one of that was that I’m pretty sure his façade was unstable and would crumble.
He had shown me this persona of the emotional, clingy, hopeless romantic dorky nerd who wants nothing more than someone he can build something lasting with. I found this adorable and perfect and gave it a chance. He asked me to be his girlfriend very quickly (like, 2nd call or so), but I didn’t mind and said « I’m interested in you and would like to give it a chance ». He started to contradict himself frequently from then on though.
He would often tell me how « Glad he was that I don’t mind him being so clingy, because he loves how I want all his affection ». 5 hours later he changed his mind to « Let’s talk less maybe ». He would constantly mention how usually he usually starts out as friends, but when I suggested we can do just that, he said no, he wants me. Fair enough.
While being in « I really want to be there for you and protect you » mode, casually mentioning « I usually have primarily sexual relationships » and « How many partners have you had », but when I say that’s not what I want, claiming I understood that wrong.
These were some obvious red flags to me, so I asked him to leave me alone and not contact me again without a thought. I do not regret or doubt this decision. I was and am pretty certain that he tried to lure me in with a fake persona of things I would love, but too unstable to maintain it and probably he had some bad conscience too.
However, I do not understand why someone would do that. If you want something casual, why waste your time trying to lure someone in who is definitely going to say no to a quick fling. You could have used that time to actually look for someone who shares your mindset and goals. If it was not for the lying and quickly changing what you want within hours, I’m certain I could have gotten along really well with this person. What goes through the mind of someone like that?
(To make it clear, it is not the individual « Let’s talk less » or « I usually start as friends » part which I mind, but the very quick forward and back changes of his desire. And, of course, the « I usually have primarily sexual relationships »)
**TL;DR: Why waste your and someone elses time by faking something you are not when you should know that, once they find out, it is not like they’re going to be « convinced », but they will boot you off?**
