Dating : Was I (29M) obligated to tell an agreed upon recurring hookup (29F) about someone else (28F)? (xpost from r/AITA)
About 3 months ago, I met a woman (L1) for coffee. We went home together. No protection was used, but we discussed STD/STI status beforehand. We agree to meet again. I tell her to let me know when.
After a week of silence, I reach out. She’s getting serious with someone (I didn’t know about). I understand. I ask how serious. She says they love each other, so pretty serious. Definitely exclusive. I tell her I’m happy for her and hope she enjoyed our time together. She says she did, it « felt amazing », and proposes we meet « one last time. »
Unsurprisingly, it’s not the last time. The next few weeks she says we’ll have to stop soon because of her boyfriend. I apply no pressure either way and say she can call things off whenever she wants.
There’s another woman (L2). We met a few weeks after the first. We see each other pretty frequently. Agreed to non exclusivity. We use protection because she’s more cautious. We both get tested and confirm (as best you can) that we’re both on closed loops that are getting smaller as we spend more time together.
Part of confirmation was asking L1 if she was seeing anyone other than her boyfriend. She wasn’t. I joked that I felt special and remarked on the lack of sexual fulfillment in her relationship, which offended her. I blame it on texting having no nuance. It blew over, but ended on a sour note: I suggest we talk it out. She says there’s nothing to discuss. Our relationship was sexual, and that’s that. We go until she says stop, then move on.
L1 and I met again on a Monday and planned to meet that Friday. It fell through on her end. I’ve been talking with L2. and things are looking to become exclusive. That weekend, we make it official. L1 texts the following Monday saying she wants to meet. I say no and tell her about L2. She says she’s happy for me, but wished she knew I was seeing someone else as she likes to know partners of partners. I tell her I understand, that I started using condoms with L2, and that we didn’t stop until we were both tested. She says she would have told me to keep using condoms. Then she asks if we should just say goodbye, since we’re both seeing people. I tell her we don’t have to and I considered her a friend. She says she was really put off by me seeing someone else, not telling her, and « wanting to not use protection. » To be clear, we talked about STI testing several times. Never about using protection. She said she was honest from the beginning, told me when she met someone and that she had to stop. She doesn’t want to be friends after « being intimate. »
I say I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings or blindside her and that I would leave her alone. She responded that her feelings weren’t hurt; she’s just about safe sex and was under the impression that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. Am I wrong?
TL;DR: FWB has multiple partners, but doesn’t tell me until later, assumes I don’t, and claims I should have told her when I end things due to my partner. Am I wrong? Is she jellin like a felon?
