Dating : What am I doing wrong?
I am not quite sure where I should ask about this, but I’ll try here first. Let me know if it’s not the right place. Also, I am using a throwaway account to make sure that my friends and family don’t know that I’m dealing with this problem.
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I am 27M living in Calgary, AB, Canada. I have lived here for about 9 years, but I’ve lived in Canada since I was eight. I hold a graduate degree in engineering. My finances are all in order (payed of all student loans etc) and I have a variety of hobbies including painting, music etc… Now, I’ve been alone most of my life and I was okay with it until recently; girls have never really shown any interest in me and I never had the time or money to chase anyone. And in fact I told my self that I was lucky to be where I am; both my parents are immigrants from India and have worked hard to get us to this point. I have a good understanding of all the opportunities that I’ve had that the vast majority of the world doesn’t get. I told myself that if not finding a partner here is what I’d have to pay for being able to enjoy the standard of living I do, then that seems like a fair deal. But the problem is I can’t stop myself from feeling so alone, it’s gotten to the point where I cannot get any work done; I have no motivation to do anything. I have tried dating apps and quite literally the only responses were from bots and one scam. Now, I am also a short man (5’5″) , but I always thought I was average looking and didn’t realize how bad things would actually be for me even if I really tried. I have asked out a few girls who seemed interested (from work, school etc…), but they were actually not interested. I don’t have any problems with talking to girls or being sociable, but it feels like most people just can’t get past my skin colour/physical appearance; it seems like girls don’t think I’d have anything in common with them, that I could be into similar music or make jokes they’d understand (I literally grew up watching the same tv and listening to the same music) because of how different I look. I learned that this is what was happening because I’ve literally had people be disappointed when I tell them that I am of Indian descent or show a picture when interacting online through voice chat for example. Am I analyzing this wrong? Is it me? Am I doing something to repel these people? I’ve had girls tell me that they only date white guys or that I am good looking for a brown guy etc… I kinda knew it would be difficult for me here, especially in a conservative province like Alberta, but It’s gotten to the point where I need to solve this problem to move forward. And yes, I am a virgin; I have never even held hands with a girl romantically (I don’t think I am in incel though, someone explained to me what these guys were and I don’t think I hold the same opinions, I understand that life is not fair and I’m just trying to move forward). Do you guys think I’ll have better luck in a different province? Should I move to a different country? If so, where? I know India is an option, but aside from how I look, I don’t know anything about the country or culture, maybe I should learn eh? Any help is appreciated. I didn’t really know where to go with this, thanks in advance.
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Cheers,
Lots of Indian men in Alberta can and do get girls. The issue here is with your mindset. You need to up your confidence game and put yourself out there. You don’t need to choose between quality of life and companionship. You’ve set an artificial ceiling for yourself.
I know what you mean, most people don’t read or the sure isn’t set up to leave a profile. I once wrote some points on a note app and took a screen shot and uploaded it.
If you can’t do that, you may consider including it in a message after the first few exchanges.
Being alone absolutely sucks. I was at the same place that you are. Wondering if it’s all worth it. Tired of the frustration, tired of the apathy, of not feeling happiness. I realized I had to connect with people fast. I reached out to old friends, made it a point to reach out to family regularly. I also find that connecting with people thru social media helps. Even on here, I’m connecting with you and I feel better. Have you thought about joining a group that shares your hobbies or volunteering? MeetUps might be available in Canada. It’s a site that hosts groups that create events around a specific interest (photography, singing, model cars, etc). In the US we also have One Brick, a site that hosts volunteer events. My friend goes regularly, after volunteering they go out for dinner and drinks so that’s a great way to meet people. I volunteer a lot too.
Depression is enough to deal with, but if we are thinking of ending our lives, that’s when we need to look for help. Tell your doctor about your feelings and look for counseling. Promise me that if you ever feel like acting on thoughts of despair, that you’ll tell someone you trust, or at minimum call a suicide hotline.