Dating : What they really mean
I am not sure if I should post this here since it’s a gay story but anyway straight people can be related as well.
When someone tells you he’s not looking for a relationship or not looking to date now, what he/she really means is I’m not that into you, but I will eventually date someone else.
I met this guy last year, when we were chatting I asked him what are you looking for he said: « I want someone to have sex with, if we like each other and it gives more in the future, I won’t be opposed to something serious « , I said ok let’s do it.
After a while I was catching feelings cause sex was good and he’s my dream guy. When I told him that I like him and where things are going between us, he replied back » I know you like me, but I’m not looking to date right now, cause I’m super busy with job, bla bla bla », I knew it was some random excuse but I couldn’t let him go. After he started to distancing himself, taking more time to reply back to messages, canceling on me etc… when I saw the situation were becoming unsustainable, I asked him to stay away from me, wich he did without hesitation. Last time we had sex was in March, after that total ghosting. I unfollowed on social media until last weekend I went to check his IG, and surprise surprise the busiest guy in the world happens to be dating a new guy, it was all over his IG, all of his IG stories were about the new guy, travel together doing things only I could dream of.
I’ve been depressed for more than a year now because of him, im seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, im on medication. But since last week after checking is IG, I feel like I’m the most worthless piece of garbage ever, a loser, a low life, an idiot who became attached to a man who were using me for sex only while was looking for something better.
I blame myself more than I blame him cause I knew better but on the other hand he always made me feel like a complete obsessive lunatic everytime I confronted him about the mistreatment, saying that I’m overly dramatic, that it’s all in my mind ect… Please guys, don’t please with people who only have love and good intentions for you.
Sorry English is my 4th language
I’ll commend you on advising him to stay away from you, when you saw how the situation was deteriorating. Instead of trying to patch something you knew wouldn’t be possible, you took steps to distance them from you for your sake.
I’ve been in the same situation, but after the “I love you,” spending nights together and her doing things with/for my child. Don’t feel worthless or attack yourself anymore. Every interaction we have can be used as a lesson, or a means to develop ourselves for the better. For me, I’ve learned how overly-trusting I can be (gullible perhaps?).
That’s why the term exists
“If they wanted to they would”
Never allow yourself to be relinquished to one step above sex doll. If you are looking for a relationship do not have casual sex with them. It rarely works out. All of their needs are being met and not yours.
You deserve compassion from yourself in this situation. Don’t beat yourself up, we all deserve to be loved and respected. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable to someone who took advantage of you. Next time just be more aware of your own needs and don’t be afraid to set boundaries and advocate for yourself. You deserve love, you don’t deserve to be toyed with or used. A lot of people are entitled and will use you as they see fit. It’s a learning process. Now you know what to stay away from.
It’s important to take other people at their word. If we do that, then at the end of the story, there’s no chance of blaming one’s self if things went wrong.
And I don’t mean “don’t think people don’t lie or always know what they want,” I mean common sense, but when they say “I don’t want anything more from you than this,” accept that as truth.
Most of us have made this mistake! And some of us make it many times. Many.
And the narrative of “he was looking for something better” is not only very unhealthy, it’s also not real.
There’s no such thing as better. There’s only what’s better FOR YOU. We’ve all, and I mean ALL of us, not fallen in love with perfectly good human beings. Every single day, we’re surrounded by good people that we don’t fall in love with, even if we find them appealing in many ways, even physically.
That doesn’t make any one of them beneath us, dumb, lacking in humanity, or less deserving of love.
You’re one of those people, too. Just because he didn’t change his mind and fall in love with you doesn’t mean that you’re unlovable.
It’s time to stop relying on validation from other people, and hang that reverence where it belongs; with you. Your importance isn’t derived from him, or anyone else but yourself. Not your parents, not your friends, not your sister, it’s from you.
You’ll get past this, and hopefully, you DO look back on this and say “phew, I’m so glad he left, because I’m doing so much better on my own than I ever would’ve being with someone who was only dragging me down!”
Never contort yourself to meet someone else’s lower expectations.
You’re going to be fine, no matter how much today feels like you won’t.
I’m a straight woman and I can only agree. I hooked up with this guy for around a year without a title (how stupid of me) while fooling myself that I wasn’t into having a serious thing with him. Right before we began, he told me that he was either OK with occassionally meeting to have fun or a normal relationship and right from that point, I knew which category I belonged to, although we did not agree to anything – he just happened to mention it. To my surprise I realized that I wanted more. Hell, I was dreaming of a future with him while trying to convince myself that we were just casual. He never even followed me on IG or whatever, he was just simply not curious about me. After a year I asked him whether we were ever going to be « anything more than just two people having fun » and he told me he really liked me but didn’t feel like « upgrading » which was « actually weird ». Anyway, starting from that point on, he started giving the same job-related excuses and started to ghost me, which really hurt me. After that I realized there was absolutely no future with him and there was never going to be one. Out of respect for myself, I sent him a not so long text message, saying that I am cutting him off because clearly he doesn’t care about me or my feelings. I thanked him for the good times and said goodbye. It probably served him well because he never wanted to have a serious thing with me anyway.
So yeah, I can only confirm. Remember, ladies and gentleman: If they say they’re « not ready for a relationship », there’s a secret « with you » at the end of that sentence.
Do yourself a favor and cut that motherf*cker off of your life.
He was not looking for someone better than you! He was looking for his person. Just Bc that wasn’t you, has ZERO reflection on your worth!! He moved out of your way for you to find your person!
As someone who is bi and has casual sex, I can definitely say that it hurts to catch feelings. I would say it is not you, it is him. I feel like you are describing me entirely: I want to have sex but I don’t want to date. If it evolves into us dating? Ok. If I don’t feel the vibe is right, I am going to tell you I don’t want to date repeatedly.
I’ve never caught feelings (from sex anyway) like you’ve described. But I have caught feelings without sex being involved, and when they don’t reciprocate the feelings, it is very depressing. At the end of the day, it is not you that’s a problem, it just wasn’t what he was looking for.
Definitely not me. When I say I’m not ready to date or commit to anything serious, I mean it.
This definitely is a story all of us can relate to.
Other people’s actions reflect on themselves, not on you.
I see this as a lesson for you to be clear with yourself and with others about what you want and take their response as showing you who they are.
You are the number one most important person. When someone ignores or changes the subject or blames you when you tell them your needs, it shows that they are not interested and also are not honest.
An honest person will acknowledge your needs and tell you that they don’t feel the same.
Would you rather date honest or dishonest people?
———-
Here’s an example.
I recently saw a guy I dated 5 years ago on a dating app. 5 years ago we went on a date, had a great time, chatted for a week, and then he disappeared. I was very young and took it on myself; as if I said something wrong and put him off. I felt sad that ‘I made him do that’.
When I saw him again on the dating app this year, I told him that ‘I was confused and didn’t understand why he disappeared after we had such a great time.’ He ignored what I said and asked me to hang out sometime. I asked him about his disappearing again, saying ‘what if we go out, have a great time, and then you disappear again?’ He ignored my concern again and said ‘actually, I would like to talk with you more before we go out.’ I realized he has some deep rooted problems, and told him it won’t work out between us and wished him well.
People’s actions reflect on themselves. Not on you.
I know saying don’t feel bad won’t help but don’t feel bad. The sad truth is he was happy with you but not in love with you (it’s horrible I know a lot of people in this sub have felt it). Now he’s found someone he’s happy with and in love with show he’s showing that off.
Secondly social media is a lie, we can all post happy impressive pictures but that’s never the full story. I’ve made it a rule that after a break up all social media stuff is cut so I never know how they turn out.
Lastly you are most certainly not a looser! Your human and as hard as it is we have to pick ourselves up no one will do it for you, nor will wishing. Take your time, find something you enjoy, and get back out their.
>Sorry English is my 4th language
Any tips for learning new languages? Is it true that it’s best to learn vocabulary first, and then learn grammar etc second?
Unfortunately, I have been in the same situation!
I’m so sorry. Same thing happened to me 6mo ago and I’m still on meds for that.
im really sorry for you dude, this sucks, but « English is my fourth language » — damn, holy sh**!! That’s three more than 99% of americans can speak. More seriously, if you speak that many languages I’m sure you’ve got some cool traits and just need to find the right guy who appreciates you for being you.
I was in the opposite end, and even though I made it clear to them I wasn’t interested in them like that, they still resented me when – shock! – they developed feelings and I didn’t.
It’s a no win situation. I’ve also been in your place, it sucks but straightforward will always be better than euphemisms.
Don’t feel worthless. Just because you don’t like avocados doesn’t mean avocados are a crap meal. They’re just not your thing. Same here.
It’s awfully shallow to say « find someone who loves you exactly the way you are » because if it were that easy you’d find it. But honestly, just focus on loving yourself, in a healthy way, and let the chips fall where they will.
Things like this happen sometimes. And it’s difficult to reconcile because they’re such gray areas. You both were up front on and consistent with your intentions. You were just on very different pages. And that’s a cause for a lot of pain. I don’t think either of you owns more blame than the other. But you are not worthless simply because one guy you really like doesn’t feel the same way. If he wasn’t making himself available to you then he’s not your dream guy. Your dream guy is still out there and he will make time for you.
this hurts my heart to read, bro. i’m sorry that he did that to you. shit has happened to me before, and it was terrible. i also didn’t get over them until about a year later. let me tell you, though, they didn’t find someone better than you. they found the person right for them. and you will do the same someday! it’s good that you got out of it and didn’t drag it on any longer because that wouldn’t have ended any better. i’m glad you’re getting professional help. when you’re ready, you should definitely put yourself out there again. or you can take more time to just love and appreciate yourself. either way, find that happiness, and don’t let your self worth drop.
Hey friend. Keep your chin up. You’re supposed to go through a bit of a rough period after a breakup in which you loved a wrong person. This is your body building emotional muscle memory. It will prepare you for your next great love. Hang in there! You’ll know you’re over them once all the red flags you knew were there that you suppressed become apparent. This ideal person you loved, it’s not so ideal.
This experience will also make you a better partner. Work on yourself.
I hate that go with the flow or we see what « happens in the future » kind of talk its just another way to string people along. When i notice that and the guy tells me that BS i cut them off immediately. Dont waste people time ugh. Im sorry you had to deal with such a crappy guy and i hope you find someone who is truely genuine and treats you well.
I had this happen last month and yet the girl seemed to be more into me than I was into her. Like i wanted to keep seeing her but I wasn’t emotionally attached as we had one date.
But anyways, we had a great first date and she asked for my Instagram, held hands and walked with me my way before we parted ways, texted me to see if i got home safe, and even suggested a 2nd date when we texted days later and then out of the blue the following week, there was a huge shift in communication out of nowhere that really fucked with me.
Like i texted her after not hearing from her for a days and she responded instantly and then talked about riot fest tickets being available after she said she wanted to go then said they added Ice-T’s band body count to the bill and got no response. Then 3 days I texted her and shes like hey I haven’t responded because im not ready for a 2nd date but i thought I was but hopefully we see each other.
I’ve had 4 dates after that and all ended with ghosting or getting told “i had a great time but im not feeling it”. Makes me feel like I’m the worst person out there.
As a lesbian I totally understand your frustration, dude. In the lesbian world, when a woman is not attracted to you she will give the classic « I’m not ready for a relationship » line but when a woman is not into you, she also won’t sleep with you either. Having sex with someone deepens your feelings towards them and often, it can make you think you’re in love with them even though you’re not compatible. It is no surprise that you developed feelings for this person. Gay men are much more open to causal sex. In fact, one of my gay friends told me everyone just wanted to sleep around instead of getting into long term relationships.
It is mainly traumatizing for us gay lesbian folks because we’re only about %3 of the population combined together. When hetero people get rejected they can go to a pub the same day, or get introduced to many other people by their friends. Ours is a scarcity problem and it is a huge problem.
I had almost the same thing happen to me recently. It really hurts. Hang in there and just know that even though it hurts now, it’s for the best and eventually you’ll meet someone better for you.
This is literally my situation right now. My heart dropped into my stomach after reading this. Thanks for posting it—I needed to be reminded that I have to cut off my situation too.
Don’t blame yourself bro. Take this as a lesson and apply it for the future. He clearly wasn’t for you if that’s the way he was treating you. The best thing you can do is go to therapy (like you’re doing now) and continue to work on yourself. Build the life that YOU want to live and when that partner comes along that you want to share it with, then invite them in.
Just wanted to say your English is great, don’t get down on yourself.
This is a lesson I think basically everyone has to learn, usually multiple times. But you will be able to use this experience in the future to know what your worth and when to GTFO.
The greatest trick I have learned for clearing up my head is regular meditation. Once a day for however long, guided or not just take some time to breathe. I don’t get caught up in my head any more. I don’t feel trapped by my thoughts, or haunted by the past, or intimidated by the future. Things happen then they pass. I keep moving. I used the insight timer app.
Lots of good perspectives already here. And I’d just like to add another: aromanticism is a thing. And an aromantic may still be interested in sex but not a relationship.
Not saying this is the situation here. I dont have enough insight to this. BUT it is a plausible, if not for him and then maybe others. But many of us struggle to come to terms with that and even communicate it. With relationships being pushed as « the norm » it can be tough getting past the fact we dont want what many others do.
Again, not trying to defend this particular guy. I dont know him. I just wanted to put another perspective out there since your post is asking for it.
If I could take some of the advice from the other comments, it would be: dont think about it as hes looking for something better. Hes looking for what’s right for him. You did good by distancing yourself.
Anyways, keep your chin up. Otherwise you might miss what passes you by.
You had to know that he just wanted sex though, and proceed with it like that. But sometimes that’s not clear to both parties
Wow, this hits home. I too have been told « I’m not looking for a relationship » only for them to jump into a relationship with someone else. I’ve been ghosted by the very people who said they were 100% there for me.
I was in a long-distance relationship at one point, and she ended up breaking up with me because she didn’t want an LDR. A few weeks later she ended up dating some other guy who lived in a different country, on the other side of the ocean. I guess I just wasn’t enough.
I feel your pain.
First off, I’m sorry for all the manipulation and gaslighting that guy did to your head. It’s understandable it’s affected you so much mentally because he’s clearly been playing mind games. One other way to think of it is the guy he’s with is not so lucky if he has such emotionally abusive tendencies. I wish you the best with continuing to heal ❤️
Honestly when I casually date or do fwb, I, as a straight woman, say “I’m open to a relationship developing if it naturally happens.” In my case, I mean it. I’m not holding out for something “better.” I need to feel some sort of attraction and chemistry or even get casually intimate with someone, and I want to be compatible over time before committing to something serious.
I do wonder what straight guys mean when they say they’re “open to anything,” so I made this few hours ago:
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/of25bm/what_does_it_mean_when_a_guy_is_open_to_anything/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
It’s a tale as old as time, my friend. It happens even to the best people, even to him. It is not you, it does not determine your worth!
Who you were to him, he likely is to the new guy. If you can find some solace in that, please do.
I’m really sorry you’re in such a bad place, dude. But objectively speaking, he did tell you right off the bat that he wanted to keep things casual and mostly sexual, there was never any guarantee of you two ending up together long-term.
Maybe you’re right, maybe he was low-key looking for a relationship and he just blew you off because he wasn’t interested in that with you. But people don’t owe each other anything at the end of the day, certainly not when just hooking up casually. He just went for what made him happy, and that’s understandable.
Anyway, hope your counseling will help you move past this in a healthy way so you can find someone that genuinely wants to be with you. Best of luck.
I somewhat feel what you mean. Im the sucker who gets hung up by a girl he only met once and had blast before with her via facetime.
Its been 1.5 month now and i still cant get her out of my head.
I just stopped writing her because after the date it went exactly it did with your guy. The conversations just got starved and she told me she isnt looking for a relationship. honestly even though im hung up on her im somewhat against chasing when the other person doesnt make any afford.
But i kinda want to write her though………