Dating : Why does it seem so unbearably difficult to get a girlfriend these days?

Dating : Why does it seem so unbearably difficult to get a girlfriend these days?

I just don’t get it anymore. It’s bizarre that anywhere I go I constantly see guys with girlfriends/wives & a lot of the time these women are attractive. But it just seems like no one even bothers to talk to one another anymore unless they know them already. Online dating is a huge disaster unless you have an amazing job or top tier looks. So what is it that women are even looking for these days? Why is it so difficult yet I always constantly see people together. It’s like I feel like I’m in some sort of Matrix or something where things are just meant to happen for others when I’m not around. Yet I never ever see anyone get asked out in person or anything. If it’s so difficult how do so many people find it so easy? I’ve heard of people getting out of relationships than finding another in like 3 weeks time. I just don’t get it at all.

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  1. I’ve been wondering the same thing for about a year and a half now. I tried online dating too, and that was just a joke. I’ve just stopped trying at this point, and am focusing on myself. Saving money, fixing up my vehicle, etc. Best of luck to you though.

  2. Tl;dr – changes in society and social norms have made many men much less appealing to women, making things much more difficult for some guys to get a girl.

    Dude. Yes. It’s tough out there.

    Some dudes and gals just seem to slide from one relationship to the next with ease while others are forever alone.

    I agree the struggle is real and it predominantly (although not entirely) affects men.

    I definitely think a big part of it is the massive change we have experienced in social norms and society, especially over the last 50 years.

    If you think back over the entirety of human history, until about 50 years ago women relied heavily on men for protection and resources to survive and thrive. Most women did not work or have much education. This for many men was our selling point, so even if we were not genetically blessed in the looks department we could still work hard on other areas and get a lovely girl. If you combine that with no availability of birth control, sex was a risky proposition for women, and so they had to be very careful about who they slept with, as raising a child without a man who was going to stick around and provide could effectively ruin the woman’s and child’s future (this even ignores the social stigmas common about premarital sex and sleeping around that existed more heavily in the past).

    This meant that females had to be much more careful about who they selected as a mate, and things like resources and likelihood to stick around and provide for her and the child were much more important. She may not have been hugely attracted to the man, but he was a good option to provide for her and social pressure and expectations for her to become a mother and raise a healthy family would be big factors in her thinking. So people paired for these reasons quite often.

    Nowadays this applies so much less than in the past.

    Women are now more educated than men in many countries and because of women moving into the work force and improved living standards they do not need a male to support them. Many also don’t want children, especially in their younger years (20s) if at all, as they are travelling, climbing the career ladder etc.

    We men are much less appealing now. The dynamics have changed. Of course women having more education and being more equal (overly equal in some cases) is a great thing, I’m not some angry guy with ideals of women being returned to their “rightful place in the kitchen” – but it has had a marked effect on the dating game.

    Also, you probably hear a lot women from older generations giving advice to younger women to explore and search for what they want rather than settle down with the first best option they find. Many women from past generations paired with someone they didn’t find all that exciting but was a good provider. They want their daughters and grand daughters who don’t rely so heavily on resources from men to have what they didn’t.

    Women are naturally picky but now they are much more so and many are looking for a guy who completely blows them away, a guy who might only statistically exist in 5 of 100 men. Tall, good looking, great job, well travelled, interesting, funny and charming. If he doesn’t come into her life she is happy to stay single, enjoy casual sex with hot guys (freely available through dating apps) every so often and focus on other things.

    Now I know that there are a lot of women out there who aren’t hyper hypergamous like this, who are attractive and lovely and have realistic standards and expectations of a guy. The thing is there is just a huge amount of competition for them as generally speaking women’s standards have risen for men especially in the looks department. Because these women have realistic standards it won’t take a huge amount of effort for her to meet a great guy who will be good to her. You’ve just missed out on one of those girls (like me). Once those girls are all taken the rest are left to chase after the picky ones who are still chasing all the Chads, and so have no chance, or the less attractive ones where there is just no spark for the guy.

    That is pretty much my anthropological summary of the dating scene in 2019.

  3. I’ve boiled it down to two points.
    – One, there’s this fallacy that there is always a better more compatible option. Grass in greener syndrome, but on a much larger scale.

    – And two, if you’re between the ages of 27-34, most people our age are married or not yet divorced, so the pool is roughly people slightly younger or slightly older (and divorced, usually with kids).

  4. High expectations. On both sides. Regular looking women want a hot bf, regular looking guys expect women to fall immediately for them.

    I’d suggest just hang out with women and make actual friends (without hidden motives) the whole friend zone thing is really retarded. Just be actual friends with women and you’ll eventually meet one that wants to be more than friends. just don’t get stuck on one of your friends who you might like. Just tell her and if she doesn’t feel the same way just take that seriously and discard all hope and keep the friendship going.

  5. People are less likely to date someone not as attractive as themselves nowadays because it’s so easy to find people online.

    People are also less likely to ask someone out in person. Online dating is the most popular way to meet someone for people in their 20’s/30’s.

  6. It has a lot to do with your age. You went to college, where meeting new people was granted. You graduated, and if you were a normal person with average looks and an average job, your social interactions went down. The common interests you had with all of those women in college no longer existed. Your best topic of conversation became work and your favorite bar.

    You must accept that you and everyone around you across the world are always making choices. They seem small and insignificant, like whether you choose to go out on Saturday night or stay in, or big choices like where you live. But without your detection, just like the passage of months and years, they accumulate to create the world you live in. If you are not seeing compatible women in your life, it is due to choices you have made this far into your journey. This means that you can make choices to change the course, regardless of who you are or where you live. You do not need to worry about the choices others make, as there are only going to be about 1 in 115 women who you will like and who will like you back. Given that there are 10,000 eligible women in any metropolitan area, the odds of a solid woman existing for you are not awful. Especially when compared to astronomical things, like the probability of the Universe. I’d take dating any day over trying to create a new Universe.

  7. Same thing here. I’m guessing that there is a fear of better options, and no is their genuine self anymore. No one wants to get hurt or rejected so they never let anyone get close to them

  8. Just wanted to leave a comment saying how much I agree with what you’ve written. Might as well have ripped those thoughts from my own head.

  9. It’s a demand supply thing. And everyone comes in with a « price » (self evaluation). Some adjust up with each success, some adjust down with failure. But some don’t bother adjusting.

    For me, ive adjusted downwards and am going to adjust downwards more till I hit a match.

  10. I completely agree. I have been looking for quite some time and have spent a couple hundred on online dating sites and on the free sites. I personally work a lot and take care of my parents almost constantly, and don’t really have the time to go out and about let alone. I don’t drink so makes it harder to get into the field to even play ball (even tho the game obviously changed.) The online payed for sites did nothing but make it blatantly obvious that it’s no longer about getting to know one another it’s for good looks and materialism. Where the free is all about hookups/ prostitution and drugs and just looking for attention in all the wrong ways. Needless to say that I have given up on dating sites let alone dating in general.

  11. Speaking as a guy without “top tier looks” or a good job, the way to find a girlfriend is to:

    1) Work on your personality. Seriously. Focus on being more social and force yourself to be more outgoing.

    2) Develop your conversation skills. I took customer service and sales jobs just to help me get better at talking to all sorts of people.

    3) Work on your sense of humor. Learn what actually makes something funny and don’t be the guy who just quotes movies and thinks that passes for being funny.

    4) Get someone more fashionable than you that you trust to help style you. A friend, a sister, a coworker, a friend of a friend. Ask them to be honest with you and take their advice. If they tell you your goatee sucks, don’t argue.

    5) Rewrite your online dating profile. I haven’t seen yours, but I assume it’s run-of-the-mill and boring. Really think about what makes you unique and interesting. Don’t be afraid to be unusual in your profile. Unusual is good. Unusual gets you noticed.

    6) Don’t be an asshole. Don’t ask for nudes before you’ve even met. Don’t bring up any weird fetishes until the time is right. Be respectful of the bartenders or wait staff of wherever you go with her.

    7) If you message a girl and she doesn’t message back, take the hint. Don’t badger her. Don’t throw insults.

    8) Don’t be another chump who tries to get in her pants the first time you meet. It may go that way and you end up in bed, but don’t show up with “just trying to fuck” energy. Remember what you’re looking for here.

    9) Don’t make your entire life about trying to get a date. Girls can smell desperation like sharks can smell blood. But if you focus on spending time with your friends and engaging in hobbies and seeing/learning new things, you’ll accomplish a few things at once: you’ll be happier in your life and you’ll meet more people, all of which improves your chances.

    10) Take chances. You said you never see anyone asking anyone out. Be the person who does.

    If you actually try to take my advice, it may take a while but before too long, you’ll be the life of the party and people of all genders will want to be around you.

    And remember: No one owes you anything.

  12. I’m a female and I have been single for about 3 years now. I have been focusing more on being healthy and happy. I also spend more of my time with friends and family. Having a girlfriend isn’t such a big achievement. Focus on yourself and friends/family more.

  13. Several reasons:

    1) Social media and dating apps has given women far more choices, and since most women select based on looks and/or wealth (and no…this is not up for debate) only the best looking and wealthiest men get the majority of the attention.

    2) More women in the workplace earning more money means that their standards for mates will be raised even higher.

    3) Older women who in the past have had to settle for lower quality men, can now score younger, attractive men…again thanks to social media, their higher earning power, and cultural shifts which makes being a cougar acceptable.

  14. You need to be introspective. Work on you, and be patient. Get to where you can be the best for someone, and eventually someone worth having will see that. Having a girlfriend is a shallow short term goal. Not hating, but if you’re blaming society or culture, there’s probably a couple things you should work on.

  15. Women have too many options and don’t wanna settle for less so they all go for the same 20% of good looking attractive men and dismiss the rest. That’s why women always go for men in relationships instead of going for single ones. They see it as the taken guy has something that a woman would want and the single one isn’t worth it because if he was he’d be in a relationship.

  16. Girlfriends nowadays are for the good looking, wealthy and social butterfly kind of guys. It’s fucked up but that’s where 2019 and the digital era has brought us in terms of dating. I’m in the same boat and personally, I’ve just given up on dating altogether. I get by just fine, all the best to you though.

  17. Instead of complaining, consult Someone that can actually help you. If you don’t evolve and become a more attractive version of yourself you will become obsolete due to female hypergamy. Women no longer have time for the average male because at the swipe of a finger they can select the most high value male even if she knows that other girls have been with that same guy. Women are competitive and seek the top where as men seek quantity more so. So you need to understand the woman, go out, and win.

  18. You have a very negative view of the world and people right now and it stems from you comparing yourself to everyone else. I go to med school and its 1000x worse there. The number one thing I learned was never compare yourself to others because people lie or they are just smarter as an example. But thing is I am a lot better than them in other things. Just focus on becoming the best person you can become. You have to be happy as hell and confident being by yourself before trying to find someone else. And when you are happy as hell with who you are girls still wont just magically flock to you. But I guarantee you once you start talking to them they will literally be telling themselves « Holy shit this guy is so freaking happy about where he’s at in life now, how is he so happy and enjoying life so much? I want some of that too ».

    I just came out of a relationship where the girl cheated on me, and I am already seeing a handful of different girls. I am an ugly dude. It all stems from how happy you are with who you are. Confidence is key. I know damn well I am a good grab and that girl seriously missed out on me. You have to think that you are freakin awesome and it doesn’t even matter what anyone else thinks or does because you are happy anyway.

    Also dont listen to anyone that tells you « Oh you just have to wait, the perfect girl will come. Just focus on you blah blah. » The perfect girl will never come lol you have to start feeling super confident in who you are and then throw yourself out there and show that you are this amazing happy dude thats ready to share some of that happiness.

  19. So this may get buried, but I was in your boat for a long time. I have been dating a girl for two months and she is incredible. She admitted she was about to quit online dating and I fit 0 of her critieria and she decided to take a chance with me.

    We are incredibly happy now. It isn’t easy but just keep at it. It’s a game of chance and the only way to try is to keep putting yourself out there. Just don’t let it burn yourself out

  20. I dont have much luck with dating because most of the women i know are seeing someone and i dont get out much anymore. Ill eventually get around to going out on the town again but there is no rush to date someone. Get to know someone first kinda thing if im talking to them online or meeting in person. If it happens during that time it happens, if not at least ive made a friend or learned something new.

  21. I just stopped trying. much less stressful and crushing. Now I only bother with women if they show some sort of interest first. Which can happen atleast sometimes if you bother to go out and do things in my experience.

  22. Stop looking for it. Make friends with girls, that leads to hanging out with other girls in social situations (party’s and clubs). If a girl is interested she make a effort and you see the signs. Don’t act desperate and have confidence (can’t be fake). This is how I have meet my past girlfriends and some very good looking. Tinder doesn’t work for the averge looking guy like me.

  23. Its best to just forget about it all together and just focus on doing what makes you happy in life. Thinking about this kinda stuff will make you miserable. and i’m speaking from experience.

  24. This is SO true. I am almost 23 years old (male) and I simply don’t met ANY single girls in my day to day life. It’s so frustrating to see so many couples in my age span and plenty of guys I know have a girlfriend, who look way worse than average or are just so stupid and weird. Where are all single girls? My theory is, that they all met in High School and when you start college, most of them are in a relationship for years, maybe up to 25. It feels so disgusting to be single and I am afraid, that I will never find one girl

  25. It’s hard dating nowadays I wanted a relationship for so long and trying to date but nothing seem to work and one day I decided that I’ll focus on myself and not worry about that. Then, I met this guy at school which wasn’t my “type” but I decided to get to know him, and turns out we have been together for 16 months now and he is exactly what I was looking for. Sometimes we worry too much about the looks, age, race, taste on music, etc. Things that are superficial and forget about what we really need and make us happy. Wish you luck and keep being yourself and show confidence.

  26. Women do not date men who make the same or less than them. As more and more men are squeezed from the office into the manual labors that pay less, it’s going to get more and more difficult to find someone to date.

  27. As a girl I wish I could say. I’ve done online dating with one guy, and god he was amazing. We both lost our spark though and it does hurt. You’ll find someone, I guess it is just when we are searching for it, it doesn’t happen. Idk

  28. Dont forget how much the news and certain groups scare men into believing asking a girl out or trying to show interest can get then in trouble/arrested. Im not saying that many do that, but you see it everywhere in the news, internet, and politics. False accusations of anything can still get you severely punished. Many men are afraid of being too serious in person at the risk of this or of terrible rejection. Some women can be confusing as well, some like playing hard to get (personal experience) which most definitely comes off as a lack of interest. Along with the fear of such consequences, men don’t pursue as hard. There are also a lot of creeps out there too, so women are more cautious at the chance they encounter someone dangerous or a r/niceguy… Society just kinda sucks now.

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