Dating : Why would someone bring up that he was raped on the first date?
So my friend has this friend who struggles to get second dates because this friend frequently brings up how he got raped when he as 7 years old.
I asked my friend why this guy brings up such a touchy topic so early on. My friend says he’s looking for someone who is real and can handle topics like that. I think that guy sounds insane as that’s a topic you only bring up when you know the other person very well.
What do you guys think?
That’s a little too heavy for first date conversation. What’s your favorite movie? What do you like to do for fun? Do you like spicy foods? I went to Hawaii once and always want to go back….yes
BTW, My Uncle Terry showed me this horrible trick when I was a boy…no
I could handle dating someone with a major trauma. But if someone told me about their trauma right away before we’d established any rapport, I would question their judgment.
In my experience oversharing is strongly correlated with someone who isn’t dealing with their trauma in therapy. I would be concerned that this trauma would overshadow anything good that could happen in the relationship. It could also be a sign that they want me to take care of them. Being in a relationship is about sharing burdens, but if one person is immediately established as the caretaker, their burdens will never be lifted.
So I’m a guy who was also raped when I was a child. Imo – it is an important thing to bring up *early*, with delicacy, with people you feel serious about. However, I’d never bring it up on the first date – I’d try and see if we had good chemistry and fun on the first date. On the fourth/fifth or so date, I’d raise it and tell them about it. In my experience, it’s best not to open with a graphic or confronting story, just tell them that « When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. It has affected a lot of my life. I wanted you to know about this, because I feel a connection with you and trust you ».
> My friend says he’s looking for someone who is real and can handle topics like that
This desire is a 100% fair. The reaction someone has, at least in a context where it’s handled well, tells you everything you need to know about their character.
I understand the reasoning, I do, but I can’t help but hes looking in the wrong place for the wrong signs of a womans character.
But what do I know, I’ve never had a healthy relationship in my life.
I think he should wait longer. It’s also possible that he is sabotaging his chances because he’s really scared on the inside.
Yeah that’s a major red flag. Just about everyone has endured major trauma in their life, doesn’t mean you blurt it out.
It makes no difference whether you bring stuff like that up on your first, second, or third date. Its still early enough.
Its all about when you start feeling attachement to the other person, because at that point it could hurt you if they reject you based on stuff like that.
Well everyone is different but I think there is no real need to bring that up right away. If anything, that seems more of a reason to make the date awkward and the person not want to really be there anymore. Seems like it would lessen his chances of getting to really know someone
Yikes! I get what he’s trying to do, but I feel like he’s going about it the wrong way.
I think his thinking makes sense. Granted, I wouldn’t talk about such heavy topics with someone right off the bat, but that’s only because I’m not personally comfortable with someone I hardly know knowing those things about me. I entirely agree with the sentiment that if you absolutely know what you need and want in a partner, you should lay that out right off the bat. I think it’s stupid to just bullshit and have shallow conversation about what music you guys like. If you’re looking for someone with the mindset of finding the person you want to spend your life with, I’m of the mind that you should at least ask your dealbreaker questions. Do you want kids? Stuff like that. Get the fundamental necessities out there. Then if you’re compatible, move forward.
Yeh uh danger will robinson, I think it sends off early flags when your just testing comparability. Not sure who talks about rape on a first date, tragic, but I think it’d turn a lot of woman off…
I woukd make the decision not to talk to him again on the spot. Nobody want to date problems.
I think that guy sounds insane as that’s a topic you only bring up when you know the other person very well.
I think its fair to be early with tvat if hes looki g for someone that he can be real with.
That being said, he should try feeling out the other person a bit lol.
Tbh I always think they’re wanting sympathy when they bring something that traumatic up that early. I’ve had 2 girls tell me this early on (like within 14 days), and both were horrible abusers that would classify as « mentally ill ». I’ve met other girls that were raped and they never talked about it. They were some of the coolest people I’ve ever met. They’d never let it define them.
Some people want to be seen as a victim, because who would believe a victim would abuse. I call it « stage setting », and it’s my cue to run. Good on the others that ran as well: your friend’s friend isn’t well.. well.