Dating : Dating apps have drastically lowered my self esteem.
First and foremost, I’d like to clarify that the purpose of this post is to vent frustrations in a healthy manner and to hopefully see some hope from a helpful comment.
So I am a 22 year old man that has never been in a real relationship throughout his whole life. I’ve been trying online dating on and off since I turned 18. These attempts have always disappointed me since I haven’t been able to have more than a two message exchange with anybody. I used to think I was ok looking but now I believe I was just deluding myself in order to feel better about myself. I get no matches at all and while I have some standards (swiping left on people who only look for hookups), I don’t think said standards are that high.
I’ve read some of the posts here and I have come to realize that a lot of my pictures are not good at all, but I feel bad taking pictures of myself as of recently and I’m too embarrassed to ask a friend to take a picture of me. Even if I were to get better pictures I feel like it would barely make a difference.
I struggle to meet new people in real life as I mostly go out only to work and I’m not in college or anything.
I have to admit that I feel somewhat bitter and angry at myself, like I’m not worth enough. That feeling of worthlessness has bled into other aspects of my life like work and family; it is making me feel terrible. I’m young, why does meeting someone and having a connection feel like an unachievable task?
Thank you for reading.
Nothing lowers the average male’s self esteem more than spending extended time on dating apps with no results.
Dating apps are designed to make their owners profit, not find relationships for their users. They make profit by having an engaged userbase.
There’s a whole ton of research and articles into how this manifests, but, the actionable item at the end of them is: if dating apps are not working for you and are resulting in 10-1 ratios of messages sent vs ever responded to (or worse, usually far worse) you’re far better off dating in real life.
I just put up a whole post about why guys like you and I should just go to the pub for a drink instead of typing away on those apps: https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/oj521e/bars_optimized_for_minimum_rejection/
Honestly man get off those apps. Our ancestors used thousands of factors to judge each other as romantic prospects, not a couple still photos. If you are confident and walk with purpose that’s not going to translate into apps
You will still have a hard time, but at least you will be able to channel that dissatisfaction into self improvement rather than depress swiping on apps
Oh my. Apps can really being you down. At 22 maybe just focus on being active and doing things that you enjoy. Then find a group that does it.
Outdoor activities are a great way to meet a partner and have fun along the way. Taking classes for hobbies as well is fun. Join a wine club and go to some of the events. Let it be something that you enjoy and can be relaxed doing.
You can meet women irl, you have to just observe your surroundings and be an opportunist then pick your spots to start a conversation it takes practice but it gets easier when you actively do it. I don’t OLD, its wasteful and doing it old school eliminates 90% of the tedious process on apps just to meet someone for a fucking cup of coffee.
The apps are a crock of shit. They’re designed first to keep you swiping. Second to get you to pay for your swiping addiction. And maybe 3rd to connect you to people.
Online dating is mostly about having good pictures and then a decent profile to back that up. If you’re not getting matches it just means you need a better profile, it doesn’t say anything about you as a person. If you were going on dates and getting rejected that would be a different story, but if people aren’t getting past your profile then it’s 100% not you it’s your profile.
If you’re going to keep online dating, get some help with your profile. Pay someone to help you write it and to take pictures. If think it’s better for you to get off online dating, then realise that it’s not you that’s been rejected and it doesn’t reflect on you as a person.
After I got my divorce I went dating app and you better have thick skin and remember that there are 100 guys for each one women so it is easy to get over look but I keep with it and dated some nice women. still friends with a couple of them and now I got a girlfriend for over two years and very happy because off dating apps
Dating apps mess with all of us. I’m a woman so get matches but no one I really connect with. The apps make me miserable but with the pandemic they’re currently my only way to meet guys. Today I read “men die of thirst in the desert and women die of thirst in the ocean” about app dating. So very true ha. We’re all struggling.
Anyway, back to you… confidence is one of the sexiest qualities in a person so start focusing on all the things that are great about yourself. You’ll feel better and your confidence will come across in your profile and messages.
Get a stand with a remote button (like a ring stand) for your phone and take some profile photos of yourself. There will be lots of trial and error but you’ll figure it out and improve your profile drastically without hassling friends for help (& no need to be embarrassed by the stand if anyone sees it, say you use it for video calls. & you don’t ever have to use the light function.) Obviously vary backgrounds, outfits, angles, poses, & see what looks best. If there are occasions you’re out, dressed up, playing a sport you like, etc. ask a friend to take a few photos of you and offer to do the same for them. Don’t use heavy filters but do make minor adjustments to brightness, saturation, use cropping etc. as needed to improve the quality of your photos. No mirror selfies, car selfies, creepy shirtless photos (unless you’re at the beach or something), photos with fish, Snap filters, etc. Think about the impression each photo will leave women with, what you want to convey about yourself, and who you want to attract, and choose accordingly.
On some apps you can temporarily change your settings so you can see what other straight men’s profiles look like. Helps to get a sense of your competition and get inspiration for how you can improve your profile.
Do you have a female friend, sister, or cousin who can read your profile, give you feedback, and help you select the best photos? I’ve found people in relationships love the chance to help/live vicariously through us app daters, and single people love the chance to get feedback on their profiles so you can offer help in return. Profiles can always be improved and a little effort can make a huge difference. Also be sure to edit your profile routinely, the algorithms will see that you’re active and show you more often.
I have some experiences that might be helpful I’m a 23 woman btw, first… dating apps are for hooking up not so serious relationships, over 2 years ago I went on tinder for making random friends and all the guys wanted hook ups, (being a girl in dating apps is awful too, yes you receive compliments & attention… before they turn into horny creeps) that’s the purpose of a dating app
I’ve a male friend who when he lived in Europe he didn’t get so many matches and he is a great guy!, but when he returned to the city we’re from, boom! tons of matches
With your photo issue what about taking photos with your friends 😀 maybe that way you wouldn’t feel so awkward talking the picture
I suggest you leave dating apps, subscribe into activities you enjoy, talk to old friends, get invited to old friends reunions or parties, that’s how you meet people, even ig can help 🙂
If you don’t want to leave it maybe share your profile with a friend so they can give you inputs or improvement areas 😀
Pictures do make a difference
I added one picture, just a side profile of me chowing down on a gyro with a caption my friend made, and I got 3 matches over the next couple days.
Normally it’s a match every 2 weeks
I should totally ask him to do a photoshoot for some good pictures, but like you said I’d be too embarrassed. I’m confident in my looks but I feel like taking pics is cringey for some reason
I would just advise you to stay away from them. Dating apps are a really bad way to meet serious partners in my honest opinion. They are absolutely not worth it if all they do is make you feel miserable about yourself. Meeting someone irl is so much better and who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky someday if you just get out of your comfort zone a bit more. My friend used to whine a lot about not having a boyfriend and being lonely and she has also tried tinder, even went on a few dates with guys but it went pretty badly. And one time she was just sitting in front of her college dorm, a guy passed by who literally just smiled at her and she took it as a hint. She approached him and guess what.. now they’re dating. Maybe just try to get out there, socialize a bit more and you might find someone special real quick. I bet there are many lonely girls out there just like my friend was lol just don’t be shy.
Don’t let it get you down. Dating apps are great for the really good looking guys but not so great for everyone else. You are probably better off meeting people IRL.
I did tinder a few years ago, I got laid that was cool. The next girl I talked to for a week over the phone, then she said she was in the area and wanted to pick me up to get food. She gets to my house, I get in her car and she said that she had a boyfriend and she felt guilty and couldn’t go through with getting food. This girl did not have a boyfriend I have no idea what happened, but what I do know was I got ghosted insanely hard and I haven’t tried online since.
the secret is the bio
Online dating is for hookups. If you want a relationship then make more guy friends because they will know girls and have girlfriends who know girls and can set you up. The most important thing is hit the gym and workout. You will look more attractive to girls but specifically yourself which will elevate your confidence. Have goals and hobbies to work on so you have your own happiness and self worth. I’m sure loneliness sucks but stop letting it turn you into a bum and instead let it motivate you to prepare yourself for a future relationship.You will have a happy relationship if you put in effort. Have confidence and love yourself regardless. You got this bro.
yea, this is exactly what dating apps are designed to do. when you base an entire experience around what is essentially « window shopping for people », it in turn makes you feel like a useless commodity when you’re not getting « picked off the shelves ». you’re so much more than what you base yourself off of in a superficial, shallow, and soulless experience.
for reference, I had Tinder / Bumble once upon a time. went on one date with a girl from Bumble, never talked again. Hooked up with 1 girl from Tinder. deleted them both and never went back. You’ll feel and do SO MUCH better going out and trying to reciprocate what it is you’re looking for IRL.
As a woman I’ll say, we can sniff that desperation and depression out within minutes so it’s probably hurting you pretty bad.
There is no shame going to therapy while you are on the apps. It’s a way to process your feelings in a safe space and to find acceptance in yourself. When you accept and love yourself that confidence comes across.
So many guys repeat the bullshit of rule 1 and rule 2. Because that is how they view things. They haven’t matured yet to see that being « visual » isn’t how women behave.
Seriously woman want a confident guy. They are fun, they are usually successful at work, and they usually are charismatic and people flock to be around them. The confident guy will be the guy you can bring your friends around and you don’t have to explain away their weird behavior or make excuses why he put his foot in his mouth.
The confident guy has friends to do things with on the weekend and invite you to so you aren’t planning all the dates. The confident guy is probably going to show you how to ski, or do archery or whatever fun hobby he’s good at.
The confident guy is going to feel comfortable at that fancy restaurant where your work Christmas party is at and can order a good bottle of wine for the table.
Confidence is sexy. Many guys overlook the importance of being confident.
We can tell if you’re confident in your profile pics. By the way you pose, what you’re doing, and what you write.
I feel like all my serious relationships are with pretty average looking people. But they were all confident and really fun to be around
Dating apps have their own rules and inner workings, you must know them before start.
Don’t let the stats fool you, most or the time, a man without success online has brought himself his fate, if you learn how to fix it, you’ll see results.
Online dating sites/apps are just another tool for meeting new people.
It shouldn’t be seen as the « only way » to meet them.
You might want to read some independent reviews on various sites before choosing one. Some reviewers provide information such as the male to female ratio, average age, average level of education, sexual orientation, race and religious background.
In addition there niche sites which cater to people looking for specific « must haves » items.
« I struggle to meet new people in real life as I mostly go out only to work and I’m not in college or anything. »
***A lot of people want change in their life without having to make any changes.***
You can make a decision to go out once a week to places you know single people go to socialize. Hopefully you have a single male friend who does well with the ladies whom you could learn from or be their wingman when going out to happy hours at bars, nightclubs, or parties as women often go to these things in pairs.
Platonic female friends and family members may also give you some insight on why they believe you’re having issues. They know you better than anyone else.
Some people actually find romance at the companies they work for by attending after work functions or volunteering for activities outside of the normal business hours.
Others meet people in the gym while taking aerobic classes/cycling or yoga.
You also might consider joining a few hobby/interest groups on your local Meetup site.
By attending the group meetings you can gradually get to know people like you did in school.
You might want to start off with *just making having fun your goal* while meeting new people.
Some people rely too much on online dating apps because it doesn’t require them to *go out*.
If you want to learn how to swim eventually you have to get in the water!
In order to meet the kind of people you want to meet *you have to run in their same circles*.
Find out where singles in your area go to socialize and be there!
Best wishes!
Your success on a dating app only measures how good you are at dating apps, not how attractive or desirable you are in general.
>but I feel bad taking pictures of myself as of recently and I’m too embarrassed to ask a friend to take a picture of me.
If this is how you feel, I suspect the low self esteem was already there, OLD is just bringing it out. I can’t imagine not wanting to take a photo of myself or being embarrassed to ask someone to take one of me.
I’d definitely back off until you can do it with a thicker skin. May I suggest therapy?
> I’m too embarrassed to ask a friend to take a picture of me
Learn to let your guard down and not give a fuck what people think about you. It’s a tough journey but it’s key IMO to having confidence, which is the main thing women are attracted to.
I’m a girl and online dating just so bad for one’s self esteem. We are not that different from each others now. I get ghosted too lol. Don’t take it personally, is just a bit shit for everyone those apps I think
Hey you’re not alone man I’m 19 year old male and had very little relationships experiences. I tried dating apps even spending money on them hoping to meet a girl but nothing worked. After that I stop looking. Often on tik Tok I see motivational post saying things like Chase your dreams and reach your full potential. Now I spend most of my time trying to better myself in anyway I can. If we really try to be our best selves we can find not only love through a significant other but everywhere in your life. I wish you the best man and hope you’re doing well
Yo have to start with hookups. Buy hookers if needed. You need experience with women that will boost your confidence
That really doesn’t sound healthy. Dating apps can be tough, but that’s not something you should base your entire self-worth around. Have you considered finding a therapist?
*I haven’t been able to have more than a two message exchange with anybody.*
What kind of messages are you sending? There are easy ways to fix this.
*I feel somewhat bitter and angry at myself, like I’m not worth enough.*
This is counterproductive. Online dating has nothing to do with *you* as an individual, it has everything to do with your ability to put together a profile which has a strong positive response to the demographics you want to reach. It’s marketing and you are the featured product. Some guys don’t get with the program and they get frustrated about how this is shallow. It is what it is. Sure there are always things you can, and should do, to improve and grow as an individual, but a terrible profile always lowers the person’s perceived value.