Dating : Getting mixed messages from someone? why not ask?
I believe that when uncertain of other people’s intentions, simply asking is a great policy. If they are interested, great you can stop worrying. if not, that’s too bad, however, you have just saved yourself a lot of time, heartache, and embarrassment. Here is something that happened to me recently which exemplifies the benefits of this approach.
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I have matched with this girl on Tinder about two weeks ago. After talking for a bit we had quickly discovered we share some common interest, the conversation was mostly fun and naturally flowing so I had asked her out for drinks on the next weekend.
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On the day of the date, I get a text from her saying that she wouldn’t be able to make it since it’s her sister’s birthday and her mother needs her help, I told her I completely understand and suggested she’ll text me when the party is over and then we could go to our date. She agreed, however, the text never came.
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On 6 AM the next day I get an apology text from her saying that she simply fell asleep after her sister’s party and that’s why she hadn’t contacted me the previous day. I say that it’s fine and try to make new plans for the next weekend. but she wrote that she can’t since she is staying in her army base (we are Israeli) this weekend.
I started thinking that she may just be trying to let me down easy, however, it didn’t completely make sense because she could’ve just unmatched or ghosted me. I was getting all those mixed messages and didn’t really know what to think. finally, I decided to simply ask her.
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I wrote her a text where I declared my intentions and asked her to do the same. I wrote that I enjoy talking to her, think she looks great and finally declared that I am interested in her and meeting face to face. It took her a lot of time to respond, after a few hours I had started worrying that I might have come on too strong and scared her away, however, I got a text from her this evening saying that she also really enjoys talking to me and would love to meet up for a drink when she gets some time off from the army.
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Good luck out there, I wish you guys and gals all the best.
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TL;DR: Got mixed signals from a girl decide to declare my intentions and asked her to do the same. turns out she is interested and all the negative signals were just strokes of bad luck.
In my experience, listen and trust your instinct and not what you want. If your gut is telling you something **listen to it**.
One mistake can be explained away. More than one and it’s a pattern. Something isn’t right. Save your resources.
If she likes you it will be crystal clear. No ambiguity. No doubts.
Best of luck in your search for a partner.
I’m still hung up on the fact she scheduled a date on her sister’s birthday and then realized it was her sister’s birthday. Like how do you forget that?
This is a double edged sword. Forcing a clear statement can just as well come off as needy, insecure, demanding etc. and push them away instead of reaffirming their interest. Good for you for getting the answer you wanted, but I’m not sure this is great general advice.
same thing happened to me last week.
Went on a date with a guy. I thought the date was good, convo flow naturally. He texted to make sure I got home ok after the date. I thought that was sweet and texted back. Sunday morning, he texted and I texted back. I got nothing for a day. I thought maybe I didnt let him know that I was interested in him on our date so I sent him a text Monday evening. Got nothing. Two days later, he texted to tell me he went on a phone break. I said ok welcomed him back and I was nice about it. I also asked if he was refreshed. I got nothing that whole day. I was under the impression that he was letting me off easy but was confused because he kept texting. I told him I enjoyed our date but wasnt sure where this is going yet and I was willing to hang out again to see where it’s going. he texted back saying he’s not the one for me. I said thank you for honesty but he didnt need to let me off easy. I rather have honesty upfront.
Too bad it didnt work out because I was so interested in him. He was so kind and I think that’s sexy
I have to disagree. If someone is legitimately interested, they will make time for you. In my experience, mixed signals is a no. Anything other than an emphatic yes, is a no.
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Canceling the day of is not a good sign. Yes, life happens, things pop up and plans change. But to me, the fact that she didn’t immediately offer up an alternative time to meet up is very telling. And then she didn’t text you back after the party and offered up another lame excuse. All the while not suggesting a day or time to meet. And then she continued to be vague « when she gets some time off from the army. » Sorry bud, but if I were you I wouldn’t be investing a whole lot into this girl. I don’t think it’s going to work out how you want.
Hmm. Personally I would be doubtful that this will ever come to a date. I mean she couldn’t have forgotten it was her sister’s birthday when you set up the date so the fact that she agreed to it to me means that she was always planning to cancel
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I do it because I respect myself and don’t want my time wasted. I feel like I can’t just ask without coming off as needy or insecure, though. That being said, I also think the right person will understand why I’m asking and won’t think those things but instead be like « oh shit, maybe I haven’t been as attentive to this person ».
I read this this morning.Thank you for posting.
I’ve been hmming and hawing over asking the guy I’m seeing what’s happening — I am catching feels, and wanted to know where his head was. I do not do well in « limbo, » especially after spending a lot of time together, sleepovers, etc.
So I asked. And the answer I got was not one I wanted: « I’m not seeing anyone else, but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. »
I pulled the plug.. « I’m looking for something more serious so I’m going to go my own way. »
Now I can move on with my life and find someone who has intentions aligned with mine.
Sigh.
Gahhhh I would need some of the luck please!
Sometimes just asking straight out like that can force them to make a decision, putting an end to her internal uncertainty.
Idk. I change my mind about people a lot and I always have a lot of irons in the fire. If he asked me today if I like him, I’d say no. If he asked me last week it would have been yes.
As odd as it sounds, asking someone straight up in the beginning of dating for an answer can come off as needy or might press someone’s hand. Usually people tend to not want confrontation or don’t have the maturity to answer and end up ghosting out all together.
Maybe… but your forget **some people lie**. Someone that’s into you with honest intentions won’t make you wonder.
Interesting to see the mixed bag of comments here. I agree with some about not getting your hopes up and with this coming across as potentially needy or clingy, but overall I see where you’re coming from with the “you’ll never know if you never ask” mentality when you’re getting mixed signals. The one thing I want to comment on that I think makes this situation different is that you guys are Israelis. There’s more of a straight-to-the-point mentality towards life that might seem overbearing or intense for, say, people in the U.K. So correct me if I’m wrong but the cultural context does play a big role here, especially with you both being young people in the army and having different obligations/ priorities to most young people elsewhere! Either way good for you man, mazal tov. Hope it goes well, but if it does not, don’t stop trying!
Because mixed signals is that shiet I don’t like. That’s why I dont ask I just disappear
You still don’t know what will happen.
Yea communicating does wonders. Who knew?
1…. when a woman says she is busy you aren’t supposed to say… « hit me up when you are done so that we can go »… you basically forced yourself onto her schedule with that move…..
remedy:
say, ok that sounds fun. just hit me up when your schedule clears up.. that’s it……….
2. Confessing your feelings….
you have to be more tactful than that…. yes revealing it all in theory sounds like a great move and demonstrates courage but it doesn’t. here’s why………
where did it come from:
you felt like you were losing her, so out of desperation- you told her how you felt in hopes that it would get her back in graces to make an effort to see you……..
you asked her out twice, of course she knows that you like her…. there was no need to do that…. besides her response was the same… I wanna see you, but when I have the time to…
you lucky this girl likes you man lol…. shes giving you some chances…. you gotta relax a little….
dont be so damn needy…. if she hits you up, give her good convo and keep it moving….. at this point, I wouldn’t ask her out anymore unless she tells you she is in town and has free time, or invites you out directly…..
> all the negative signals were just strokes of bad luck.
Maybe… it also might be a way of her to make you make a move on her and you did.
Go off of their actions. People can always lie and say they’re interested even if they’re not.