Dating : Great in person, but takes forever to text back – what’s the deal?
Been seeing this guy for a few months. But he takes days to respond. When he does respond it always matches my level of chattiness and is flirty and friendly and he’ll ask about things I’ve mentioned previously or how my day was, but the man simply takes days to respond. It’s hard not to feel forgotten about. Can someone really be all that into me when in between texts it’s pure radio silence?
When we meet up things are great, he’s super chivalrous. He made me dinner when I last came over and breakfast the next morning. We watched tv and held hands and snuggled on the sofa. What confuses me is how it can go from that to agonisingly slow responses.
I personally don’t believe in that « some people are bad at/not into texting » theory anymore.
If you like someone you want to stay in touch. If you’re not that into texting you’ll still text them, because you want to stay in touch and know what’s going on in the other person’s life.
I’m sorry but honestly, every single guy I’ve dated that took long to text back (and I’m not talking about a few hours, especially if someone’s busy and you’re sending texts that are longer than one or two sentences) ended up *just not being interested* and broke it off sooner or later.
And funnily enough most of them weren’t too busy updating their insta stories, posting on Facebook etc.
Reading a text takes a few seconds, sending a text takes a few minutes max… So no one’s too busy, that’s just an excuse.
Some people are just really, really bad at replying to messages. I do it a tbh, I’m too tired or distracted to respond. I wouldn’t do it to someone I was dating and had a vested interest in, however. That is weird and makes me wonder how interested he really is in you. But I’ve been on the receiving end of that a lot. It’s annoying because like you said, they’re super chatty and friendly when they do text/meet. So I don’t really get it. I would think that if someone actually liked a person, they would want to talk to them more often.
Honestly, if this continues as you get more serious, you should probably bring it up with him. I know you risk coming across as clingy or desperate (which it’s really not), but his behavior is pretty rude. If he doesn’t want to chat you guys don’t have to.
I have the same problem. Just talk to him. My bf changed for me but i know that he will never be so chatty over text as i am. Its ok. I need to learn.
As long i get my good morning and good night texts everything is fine
That’s something I personally would not be ok with. If that makes me clingy than so be it. I would rather date someone as clingy as I am.
He isn’t actually interested in you.
He doesn’t *mind* you, but he isn’t actually interested.
This guy is getting sex (I think?) and companionship with minimal effort. If he doesn’t have anything better to do, why not? It’s a good deal for him to keep playing you and keep that dynamic going!
A guy who is actually interested in you isn’t going to just want to show you a good time when you’re over. They’d be thinking about you all day and want to know what you’re up to. If they knew you wanted to talk, they wouldn’t leave you hanging for days. They’d want every chance they have to talk and get to know you more. His rate of texting shows how *often* he thinks about you, and I’m sure we can all agree that if we’re actually interested in someone, we definitely don’t only think about them once every few days.
To put it bluntly – you’re just something to do when he’s bored. Don’t be taken in by the chivalry when he does see you, he’s just putting in the minimum effort to keep you on a leash and interested enough to come over whenever he has nothing better to do.
Texting sucks. The expectation to keep a conversation 24/7/365 is an unfair expectation. If you’re always chatting by text, which is one of the worst ways to communicate, there is less to talk about in person. Someone having poor texting behavior should be low on the list of important traits for dating someone.
You just have to communicate what you need. If he cares, he will step up his game. If he’s wishy washy, he may decide it’s not worth it. But in 2019, when we look at our phones throughout the day at minimum, it’s not an unreasonable request for him to respond once a day.
Lol I dislike texting. Just cuz you text doesn’t mean you should text everyday. For me it’s not that I don’t like the person enough, I just grew up not texting a lot in general. I think your expectation is that if he doesn’t text then he doesn’t like you but I’d say that’s just overthinking it. Relax and maybe try to call him instead of texting. If he’s great in person, communication wise, then I’m just assuming that he dislikes texting
Some people are just like that. My ex-husband used to be really bad at responding back in the day and is still quite bad. He is better with me though than with anybody else lol You can talk with him calmly about it but he might really mean no harm. Good luck!
I’m so sorry but this is me. I’m a girl. As I’ve gotten older (now 22, I know this is still young) I find it so hard to maintain a text conversation unless I am on my MacBook typing responses OR I am in many hours of transit and have nothing better to do but text people. Else I only use my phone to communicate logistics, i.e. making plans, meeting up time & place, reaching out to people I haven’t spoken to in a while in order to arrange a call. Texting is just so fucking painful.
Try calling him instead of texting to set up dates. But not after a string of texts because you will look crazy
Depends how old he is, but it sounds like you are describing me to the finest detail. He cooks, snuggles, and is chivalrous. What more do you want? I, like your man, hate texting. I despise my phone and this ridiculous technologically driven society we live in where the kids are constantly staring at these things in the streets, in class, at work, at the library, at gym etc. Some of us men are just not that big on texting. If that is your biggest concern then I don’t see any problems.
Mention to him that you would appreciate a mid-week phone call or you miss him, but otherwise I think you’re overreacting. I, like your guy, doesn’t forget about the woman I am seeing, but we don’t express it the way you may want. You sit in the forefront of our minds, but knowing how I am I wouldn’t text you or call you or speak about you all the time, but I would be thinking about you a lot! And if old boy is cooking for you then that’s the quintessential sign that he has you on his mind and is making a big effort to show he appreciates you.
hes a flake. it takes 30 seconds to read a text and respond to it. you know hes not going days without his phone, REPEATEDLY.. He’s reading the messages and being like, « Meh, thats not interesting enough to bother me so I’ll just put the phone down. »
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I hate people like this.. I’ve met a few. It’s like, okay, maybe you’re not interested in what I’m saying then? Do you have anything YOU would like to contribute to the conversation that I could maybe talk about with you, that might engage you?… But they never do..
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He’s a flake.
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I usually meet a lot of girls like this.
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If he takes days to respond how many times do u guys see each other a week?
How many text messgaes do you send on days he doesnt respond ? Find it odd that dude cant be bothered to text even a « hi ». But maybe hes not wanting to make himself too available for you to keep your interest level up?
Some things need to be said at the time « hey guess what’s just happened? » or « dinner tomorrow night » other stuff can wait til I see the person and we can talk properly. I suppose I’m old school but just don’t understand the need to text all the time. Absolutely doesn’t mean I’m not into the other person.
Honestly, I’m that person who takes days to respond and it’s because texting people gives me anxiety. I’m good at talking to people and chatty and can keep a conversation going but texting people makes me anxious. I can take days to respond and then obsess about my response after I send it. Especially if I really like them
Sounds like he’s giving you enough just to stay interested, all while not making you a priority. Possibly he’s already got other people he’s prioritizing and you are just kept as a secondary option.
Yes, some people are bad at texting. But if he really likes you he’d be making more of an effort. Any time someone has taken days to respond with me, it’s usually they are t that interested.
Even if he’s that 1% that are honestly interested but don’t like texting, yuuou two don’t sound compatible when it comes to communication.
Consider that one of the answers might be that he is not a modern man. This post reminds me that the newer generation is more afraid of a phone call than ever. Set your fear aside and try calling the guy. I hate the implication of clinginess that the modern phone call brings
I have more than on friend who does that. It never goes further than 48 hours, though. I also used to be a bit like that when I had fewer friends
I do genuinely believe that some people are not great at/or into texting. However saying that, I think days between texts is too long and would have me questioning things as well.
I think the best thing to do here is to talk to him about it. You say you’ve been dating a few months and he’s great in person and when he does text. You should be able to have a conversation about it with him, even if you say it in a lighthearted way without getting too serious and accusing him of anything.
I agree. They like you fawning all over them. Best thing to do is cut them off and look for someone else. But I also realize how hard it can be to follow this advice when you like someone. I asked this question before to someone and when they told me what I’m saying now, I just ignored it to find the one comment that would say maybe she’s just bad at texting hahaha. Hopefully this will help someone avoid that.
Maybe he’s just REALLY bad at playong hard to get? Or him wanting you to long for him.
Definitely acknowledge it and bring it up to him before doing anything else…although I will say in my past experience one guy I had been talking to for a couple months would be amazing when I hung out with him but would take forever to text back…I’m talking at least “one business day” as my friends would joke, to respond. I finally acknowledged it and told him it upset me and how it made me feel, he basically called me crazy and that I shouldn’t read too much into things. A couple weeks later finally told me he wasn’t interested and turns out I was right all along. Tryst your gut instinct.
It honestly depends on the person. The person I’m seeing now is like live off the grid type. He is always busy. That is truth. He doesn’t use social media much either. I’m not worried about it. He still checks in and we chat daily but I don’t expect quick replies.
The last guy I was with- glued to his phone and especially while we were talking. Once he wasn’t interested anymore, he faded and blamed it on being not a great communicator. Lol mkay
I’m dealing with the same thing and it really sucks constantly wondering if you’re being ghosted. I don’t expect replies back instantly or even within several hours but it shouldn’t take days to respond. I’m just assuming he’s not interested anymore. Some people are just bad at texting but I question if they’re really interested if it takes days to respond.
I would just say communicate to him about it that you’d like to see more effort into the texting department. I can understand how it can be slow though. If he’s great in person, he must be pretty busy and in the moment with his projects.
I try to give myself certain times throughout the day to text and talk, then it’s back to work.
I think if he really liked you he would put in the effort to text you back.
Tell him how the lengthy silences make you feel. If he adjusts his behaviour then great. If he doesn’t then you need to decide if this is a deal-breaker to you.
At any age, if someone you are in a relationship with cannot pick up the phone and call you to have a conversation once in awhile you are emotionally fucked. It is not that hard to use the phone once in awhile. Forget texting. I’m not talking about chit chat, but if a woman calls you just to see how you are doing, just to hear your voice, and you can’t pick up the phone because you are soooooo busy, than that is your problem. Half the guys on here complain about women not reciprocating their advances, not getting back to them etc. Then when you finally find a woman who wants to talk to you, guys complain. Maybe you all have poor communication skills.
Signed, a woman under 35 with a boyfriend who knows how to use the phone properly.
This is literally how my girlfriend is and I don’t know if its me being needy or if shes just ignoring me
Actions speak louder than words
This is unusual but I wouldn’t jump to conclusions since he is different in person and that matters a lot more than mere texts. Plus, by not texting you this long he is keeping you attracted and keeping you in his mind obviously. People put way too much emphasis on texting nowadays.
I’m one of those guys who often need up to an hour to respond to a message but it is not because I’m not interested, it is mainly because I don’t like being on the phone 24/7 and go after my hobbies instead but I never let women wait for days.
you the booty call…
meaning you get hit up to meet and possibly have sex depending on the proximity.
He’s not that into you.
I’ve dated two girls like that.
One eventually ghosted me after three dates.
The other, we were together for a couple of months. It’s just how she texted with everybody. I brought it up briefly a few times, but nothing changed and I didn’t want to force her to change her habits. She was very passive and eventually we broke up because I felt she didn’t really care or think about me that often.
Talk to him about it. If nothing changes, you’ll either have to get used to it or be prepared to end things.
Days?! What the hell. Are you two in a relationship though? It sounds like maybe you aren’t, in his mind. That level of poor communication is really hard to understand.
If he’s like me, he’s a man on a mission and has important shit to do. Yes, I have been very into women and barely texted them. In fact, this is always the case. My mission is always #1. Women always come second.
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I started a business a few years ago. This was my life for 3 years:
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4:00am – Wake up, execute morning routine (meditation, exercise, cold shower, breakfast)
6:30am – Arrive at office, work non-stop for 12 hours
7pm – Quick dinner
7:30pm – Work another 3-4 hours.
Repeat
I don’t think a lot of people understand how cognitively taxing it is to task switch. Replying to a text while you’re in a flow state getting shit done completely kills your momentum. The science is in on this. It may only take a minute to reply to a text, but the knock-on effects of the task switching can cost you 30+ minutes of productivity.
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Stop over thinking it. If he’s awesome in person and gives you his full attention but doesn’t reply instantly to your texts, this is not an indicator of low interest. It’s an indicator that he knows how to manage his time and his mental load.
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🙂
Look, in today’s age everyone has their phone on them constantly and a « few » days between messages says a lot. However, his general nice attitude when talking and the way he is when you’re together suggesting he may be just extremely busy. You could ask about it, if you’re really upset about it. Or you could wait and not text him back for a while and see how he responds then.