Dating : Haven’t been able to move on since toxic relationship..
Dated a guy about 4 years back..
– Clinical narcissist (I’ve recently learned).
– Abusive physically and emotionally – obsessive, borderline stalking, punched me in the face at a house party, the list goes on.
– Would sexually abuse me after drugging/getting me drunk, without concent.
I haven’t been in a relationship since. I’ve seen other people but cannot establish relationships anymore.
I am lost, and broken. It kills me that I don’t have the strength to talk to anyone about this, and that I have lost my self confidence entirely.
I don’t think about our relationship much anymore, but somehow I can’t bring myself to get close to others. I am not afraid of them hurting me, but I am afraid that I will scare people away.
I have a dark past, and my last relationship exalted this. I don’t want anyone to that side of me.
1, seek professional help. I think you will need it to get past your issues and the longer you leave it the worse it will be.
2, I can understand you not wanting someone to be attracted to you because of what has happened to you rather than because if YOU…
However, if your past effects your behaviour and results in certain topics, etc etc not being the subject of conversation then any serious relationship needs to have that out in the open at some point.
Otherwise it will just cause problems further down the line and if he ever finds our from someone other than you it can cause feelings of distrust to grow (also could result in misunderstandings that cause further problems).
To clarify I’m not saying you should bring this up in the 1st date… but I wouldn’t want my partner hiding something this serious in a long term relationship… openness and trust is key.
Edit: also, if they love you and want you in their life like anyone deserves to feel… you wont scare them away. If it does scare them away they dont deserve you.
> It kills me that I don’t have the strength to talk to anyone about this
You do. You’re doing it right now. Sure, just strangers on the internet but we’re people too.
You clearly want to move forward. The fact that this bothers you so much might indicate that you’re ready. We all have baggage. We’re all fucked up in our own ways. Dating is about finding someone that makes life feel slightly less shitty when you’re together.
I left an abusive relationship about 4 years ago. I can totally relate! I’m still getting professional help I’m working with a trauma counselor who is also a DV survivor! We’re doing EMDR, I’d suggest you look it up and give it a try. Before the EMDR, I’d been in just regular therapy and I started to feel better self esteem wise, but the sadness, fear, and anxiety was still there just under the surface. I’m still not able to get close to anyone which sucks because I want to! I started seeing a guy a couple months back and I told him a couple tid bits about what I’d been through. Initially he was sweet about it, like he understood, and gave me the biggest longest hugs! That make me feel like I’d made the right choice. Then he ghosted me. It hurt because he was the first man I allowed myself to show a little vulnerability with. I just tell myself « not everyone is going to be like that and don’t stop sharing when you feel it’s right. » I’m actively working on believing that, because it would take no effort at all to completely shut down lol. What I do believe, is that it’s just going to take someone special. Someone kind, compassionate, patient, someone that makes me feel safe, someone that will love the whole me! Someone understanding, loyal, honorable, faithful, encouraging (in my mind I don’t think that’s unrealistic but in today’s dating climate maybe it is????? Idk lol). You probably need someone like that too, you know?! Some MF tenderness!! And to be treated like an actual thinking, breathing, feeling human being!! First treat yourself with that tenderness. I’ve been loving all on myself, spoiling myself, trying to be more compassionate towards myself for the last 4 years and it gets old at times but it’s necessary!
You’re not alone in this and if ever you need a friend that can actually relate and understand please don’t hesitate to send me message! We ladies have to stick together!