Dating : He doesn’t owe me anything
But I certainly feel like he does. Today was the umpteenth time I experienced some sort of ghosting, today’s poison: stood up for a lunch date. And boy, did I let it get to me. I don’t know why I keep agreeing to put myself out there as the universe has made it abundantly clear that it wants me single. But my dumbass keeps trying to be hopeful. So instead of spending the hour nervously attempting to get to know someone, I sat in my car, alone, crying and thinking, « What the hell do I keep doing wrong? ». Today I called a close friend and she tried to reassure me that I’m beautiful, smart, and any man would be lucky to have me. The typical garbage any supportive friend would spew. But instead of lifting me back up, it started making me question myself even more.
Am I too serious?
Am I too damaged?
Am I too old?
Is there anyone really out there for me?
Did I give up on someone in the past too soon?
Most of these I’ll never know the answers to but maybe someday the anxiety of dating won’t affect me as much.
Could be the type of persons you are talking to. Play boys or liars with time to waste. Ask questions be assertive before committing your time. Keep your eyes open for red flags. Meet when you are ready. FaceTime with them before a meet up to see if they are sincere.
> Am I too serious? Am I too damaged? Am I too old? Is there anyone really out there for me? Did I give up on someone in the past too soon?
Everyone gets ghosted. Anyone who has been on more than a handful of dates has a story of being stood up or having a nice date canceled right before it was supposed to happen.
Only thing you can do is take a step back and have an objective look. Do you see any patterns? Are you saying things that give people second thoughts? Are you ignoring obvious redflags?
Damn I’ve been there too many times….
Was this a first date? Try to limit first dates to a casual drink after work rather than a meal. That way if he gets held up at work he won’t be as embarrassed to say he is running late rather than canceling last minute.
I had a lot of luck using OKC and making my profile hidden so I could focus on only the men that actually take the time to fill out their profiles. I message first and try to get a date set up within 3 days. Men that are messaging you first are indeed messaging other women too playing the numbers game. If you message first you may land a guy that is passively looking so not only is he flattered that he caught your eye but he doesn’t have 3 other women he is trying to get a date with.
Been there. You are completely fine the way you are. I can tell you are a sweet person, and unfortunately there are too many assholes than good ones out there. Perhaps it’d be a good idea to take a break from seeking a partner and focus on your inner happiness. Always remind yourself that you are worthy with or without a lover. I know it’s easier said than done but please don’t let the world bring you down.
Ghosting sucks so much – and being stood up takes that to a whole new level of shittyness … but please keep in mind that it rarely has anything to do with YOU – it usually has more to do with the other person and their issues. Don’t listen to the other commenters on this post, dating is tricky – you won’t be everyone’s cup-of-tea – but that doesn’t mean that you have to change, this means that you have to find the guy that loves your style/humour/whatever.
I have been ghosted so many times, and my default is to start looking at myself with a critical eye – thinking things like, I got ghosted Because … I wasn’t pretty enough for him, that joke I made was dumb, I was too quiet, too shy, didn’t kiss him goodnight … every little possible FLAW becomes the reason why he ghosted…
BUT the reality is that it usually has nothing to do with those things. It might be that he has some serious personal issues, has such bad anxiety that he can’t get himself out of the house, maybe he is dating other people at the same time and just forgets about you, maybe he is a narcissist. Maybe he is just an asshole…. Maybe he works from 9 AM to 9 PM and is so exhausted after work he immediately goes to sleep and doesn’t think of anything but his basic needs … I don’t know…
I’m trying to rethink the whole ghosting thing, I have been ghosted so many times recently that I just assume that I’m going to be ghosted. It is incredibly depressing, but someday someone will text you back, and that person won’t stand you up… and it only has to work out one time. Take a break from dating when things get this rough, I’m thinking I probably should too…
By the way, what he does owe you, at the very least, is advanced notice if he’s not going to show up for the date.
Don’t take it personally. Hell, don’t take anything personally. The things people do are usually for reasons that have nothing to do with you. So don’t worry about it. I’m concerned that a 2nd date flaking out on you caused you to cry. That’s a lot of emotional investment into someone you barely know.
People are unreliable. Make sure you keep that in the forefront of your mind. Don’t invest in people until they prove themselves reliable.
And also, take a break from dating for a while. Rest up. Date yourself. Then when you’re in a better place emotionally you can get back out there with a new perspective.
Narcissists and sociopaths always say « I DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING!!! » But its a way to completely get out of being a decent human being.
If you are meeting men on dating apps/sites, majority are narcissists or sociopaths as that is pretty much the only (and easiest) way to mass target women to use. They get away with it because they know how to talk to women. Charisma.
Charisma is what sociopaths and narcissists are EXCELLENT at, as they know how to bullshit and make it seem really real. So all they have to do is date people online (or meet at a hobby but its harder bc you don’t know if she’s single or interested) and just have them fall for the charisma. He doesn’t have to even be hot or financially secure, it literally doesn’t matter.
Narcissists and sociopaths are out to use people. They fake caring and make it seem believable. Then they ghost either after they get what they want, they get cut off from what they want (you having boundaries and standards), or when they feel its too hard to get what they want and there’s an easier option (someone else with weaker boundaries).
This is my problem too, by the way. And the ONLY ways I’ve learned how to combat this is by meeting high quality men. And that’s HARD because sociopaths and narcissists also assert themselves successfully as high quality men.
So what you have to do is meet them in a way that shows they have to be invested. Through a matchmaker (they paid $$$$$$), or through work/school/established hobby group where they can’t just randomly meet you and treat you like shit because you can tell everyone they know what they did and destroy their job position/education/beloved hobby. The second thing you have to do is wait it out like several months before hooking up etc, and he has to both financially and time-wise invest heavily in you.
If you don’t do the paragraph above, you’ll continue to be used non-stop.
Eesh. Well you’re very negative at the moment. The one person that tried to help you got bit, so I’ll say this:
All I know is the way you’re presenting yourself, and from that, I wouldn’t want to know you. Soo.. take it as you will!
First off, let me say that I am truly sorry you were stood up again and it breaks my heart to know you were crying in your car. I feel your pain and I just want to help you in any way I can. That being said, only proceed forward knowing that I am being honest here, and since I don’t have a pic of you I can only go off what I’ve observed and researched:
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Well, you came onto reddit so I’m guessing you want the truth and not some « Typical garbage any supportive friend would spew ». Let me be frank. Most women in the US are delusional. Now there are exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking the majority of women have an inaccurate idea of their sexual marketplace value. This has been proven time and time again when you compare stats from dating apps. For example, on Tinder, only 20 percent of the guys are considered attractive by women whereas males tend to think about 80 percent of women are attractive. This also fits nicely into the « 80/20 Rule » which states « 80 percent of women are having sex with the top 20 percent of men ».
There many possible reasons for this including hypergammy, and monkeybranching, but I think it’s starts when a girl is young. We coddle and ‘baby’ our daughters in this country which is fine to a certain degree and age. But when we start telling EVERY single girl that « They’re beautiful » and they « deserve so much better » and « you can be anything you want to be » it’s a lie. I’m sorry but only 20 percent of women are considered High Value (8 and 9 on the 1-10 scale). I’ve seen women who are a 5 think they can get with an 8. I’m sorry that I have to refer to using a 1-10 scale but it’s the most efficient way to relay the conclusion I’ve arrived at.
If you want to I would be will to go over with you more in depth exactly what has been going on so maybe I can catch something you’re over/under looking. I really like helping people in need as I know what it feels like. Either way, I really hope this sheds some light and I truly wish you luck. GOD BLESS YOU!!
Well with guys being made to feel the way that women claim to have felt over past generations in terms of our worth in relationships and world generally, I’m glad that you’re experiencing what men have been experiencing forever. We hated it when you did it, now you’re going to hate it when guys ghost, stand you up, and generally feel nothing about it.
I’m not saying good, but; oh wait, yeah I am. Good.