Dating : I keep attracting the wrong type (dominant men), it’s annoying. What can I do to change this?
Not sure if it’s mostly due to my short stature (5’4 ft), my personality, or both, but I keep attracting dominant men and it’s just getting annoying.
I had 3 relationships and 5 other flings (all younger than me) through my lifetime, but I always ended up frustrated by their dominating manner.
It annoys me that my men were trying to take charge in our relationship and dictate my life. As if they were challenging my freedom and independence, I detest this. I know what I want. I already have all plans and projections of my own future. Respect my decision. Even on small things like date night, I want them to understand that **I** decide where and what to do. When I ask for a date, just get ready and I will pick you up on time. Don’t plan ahead. *I lead*. Just join me.
It irritates me even more that some men thought I wanted an alpha man to challenge me. Why would I want that in a relationship? I want a submissive and receptive man I can protect, mommy around, keep him safe, help and guide him on the right track.
I don’t know how I can attract the right type of people and achieve this dynamic. I consider myself quiet decent, even charming. An independent young woman with a STEM degree from a top university, I even work two jobs while still maintaining a 3.5 GPA. I have a great physique, not as buff as professional weightlifters, but *buff*. Still, whenever I find a potential submisive partner and try to make the first move, most aren’t interested. Some even ghosted me.
Edit: Thanks for the advices. I think I do need to communicate further about what I want in a relationship before starting one. And to clarify the faq: 1) I’m drawn to my exes because they appear (and are sexually) submissive, I didn’t know they’re actually quite dominant in a relationship. 2) No, I am not attracted to masculine-but-gentle men. Sissy/effeminate boys fit my taste though. And no, I don’t think of submissiveness as a form of whimp or immaturity. Women in traditional/conventional relationships (especially one with DDLG vibes) act this way all the time and no one accuse the women as whimpy or immature, I think submissive men should be treated with the same respect.
Are you asking them out, or are they asking you out?
No matter which partner is dominant each partner needs to listen and respect the other. Keep dating. Eventually you will figure out what you want.
How to avoid it by leaving as soon as you see the first sign… Or less at least you warned them that you don’t like that, and they didn’t change their minds, and then you leave them.
For example, you want to enjoy a night of sex and they’re dominating. You tell them you don’t want that kind of sex and if they don’t agree and try to guilt to you , then you leave.
If you have on a cute skirt or dress and they tell you to change because you’re trying to get attention, then you tell them you’ll wear what you want, because that’s not your intention at all, and if they don’t agree and try to guilt you then you leave.
The way to break it and get out of these domineering relationships is to not put up with it.
As a guy who used to be passive and let the woman lead, I can tell you that keep doing whatever you’re doing to attract this type of men: ask them out and take initiative.
But if you’ve never dated a passive guy, I’d like to warn you of some pitfalls that you should watch out for:
1) the man might get used to being taken care of and might get comfortable to the point that a lot of effort you’re doing might get taken for granted.
2) the man might likely never put any effort to do anything for you such as bring you flowers, or any other romantic gestures.
3) you might end up basically carrying both your children and him (another child of yours) on your shoulder. And when things get tough, he might not even offer you the emotional support (because he never got to properly emotionally develop).
There are some dominant women in my family that ended up with passive guys, and they didn’t seem to be happy.
I’d say if you do want a passive guy, at least get a man who you could “train” and do the things you want. Because without “training” the man might never mature and stay like a child even when he is an adult.
5’4 for a woman isn’t short lol
My tip as a more submissive bisexual man:
Look for bisexual guys. They are more open to an non-conventional man-woman-relationship. A lot of hetero men think they have to be the strong part and for a lot of guys this goes along with the dominent role.
Bisexual men are often more confident with beeing submissive.
Maybe stop seeing men as dominating or submissive objects and look for a partner?
Well put it in your profile or go straight ahead explaining you search for this kind. It will mostly make the « alpha males » swipe you left.
This sounds like codependency, even though what your asking for is the opposite, even strong female lawyers can fall into the codependency trap. You could be as buff as a weight lifter but still be codependent hence why you probably keep attracting dominant guys. Just my opinion. It’s definitely a possibility.
Why I can’t get a women like you I am a submissive man love dominant women
This should be doable but you are going against nature a bit. On average testosterone makes them more dominant
Most men are dominant in general, so the probability of you coming across dominant guys is higher than passive ones.
You mention that you decide about date nights, but I think is not better to decide together and be more of a partnership on equal ground, rather than one person deciding everything and the other just going along?
« I want a submissive and receptive man I can protect, mommy around, keep him safe, help and guide him on the right track. »… These types of guys are not exactly common among Western men, but I heard this type is more common among Asian men like in Japan etc. I’m not sure where you live, but in my experience, American/ European guys etc. aren’t really brought up like this, so it’s going to be searching for a needle in a haystack. My family is Asian and the men in my family leave everything up to their wives to sort out, so in most respects passive especially with housework.
« I don’t know how I can attract the right type of people and achieve this dynamic. »… I think it’s by luck in actually finding someone that fits that type and where you look. Gyms and bars tend to be full of « alpha males ».
Okay, I would like to ask a few questions to better understand you and your past.
First, what part of the relationship is dominating? What in particular are they doing that’s frustrating you? Other than not letting you pick date night?
Is your mother in particular very strong and independent? Are you an only child?
Why do you believe you need to be in control? (Not saying it’s a bad thing) Don’t just say because that’s your personality.
Do you think that these men have been deeply insecure them selfs and they feel threatened by your success or do you think they are just controlling. In which case, why do you keep choosing insecure men to date?
Do you think if you had a confident strong man step up and put you in your place that you would feel comfortable? Different than controlling. I mean this in a loving way. Like your rock, your support. But still gives you your freedom?
Now, I want you to read a book. It’s called “how to be a 3% man”. I know you’re a woman. Ignore the BS pick up lines but listen to the psychology and relationship advice. It can feel a bit misogynistic at times but for the most part he is correct in his statements about why women choose certain men. Having a better understanding of how and why women go for certain men may help you select your next mate. May help you figure out if the guy is truly confident or just trying to play you. It has other stuff too like why women go for the “bad boy” or why they ignore the person right in-front of them buying them gifts and go for the guy who’s treating them like crap. Etc. How some men can come across as confident at first but are deep down controlling and insecure. It’s less about how to spot them and more self help on how not to be one. It’s an interesting read. Talks about jealousy and insecurities etc. Can’t hurt.
Hope this helps
Cheers
Ok so before you get anymore shit advice here. I went and asked my SO about how she attracts Sissy’s. I don’t know since I am a Dom, but I can see you need some actual help.
So I asked her how she attracts Sissy’s. She said it is very hard, but they are out there. Her advice was to get into groups and socialize. She said FetLife is the all arounder. But Facebook has a lot of BDSM groups.
She said the basics, are to get into different kink groups on various social media.
Once you are in. Actually socialize with the people. She said be careful because there are a lot fakes. But if you keep your nose to grindstone, you will find what you are looking for.
One of the things to beware of, are dudes that have the breaking women kink. It sounds like you have run into a couple already. Also there is still a lot of underlying misogyny. You are going to run into a lot of dickheads, that are going to give you a ton of shit. So understand that you will need to assert yourself. However I doubt that is a problem for you.
Again. If you need advice, hit me up.
This almost comes across sarcastic. »I » personally think the best way is to be totally equal I refuse to treat a girl like she’s some kind of prison bitch and I refuse to be treated like a prison bitch slave who has no voice.Sometimes I like being the same height as a girl makes me feel equal.Sometimes I wonder if guys are supposed by society to fit a role of like idk I honestly don’t even like thinking about it.Its probably nothing.I think my way is better.Im sure there’s pros and cons to both but….fuck that.
The idea of a chick who just wants to be someone’s bitch is….just disappointing it’s not REALLY a turn off but id just be like….dude.
Having read your past I see you have something else going on but Iv been thinking about this lately and still think it needs to be Idk out there or something.
I think you could make the shitty argument that most women are the exact opposite of this post and I think it’s worth addressing.
Ok imma be honest with you, i think you attract those men cuz maybe they are what you need your life subconsciously at that moment of time. I heard something on a podcast recently that makes sense and that is most women want a guy with qualities that they lack in themselves.
You say you want this sweet, submissive guy whose receptive to your care and things you can do for him but my question to you is would you be happy with this kinda man in the long term? Would you respect him if he was always like that and not assertive?
Lastly the guy you want does exists. In fact, i see guys like that all the time in these how to get a woman YouTube videos. You simply have to ask them « what personality qualities do you look for in a woman? » Based on that guy answer; you’ll know if he’s the right fit for you. I do think you need a guy with some masculine energy in him but who also knows when to be gentle.
Anyways, i hope i made sense of your situation and my words help. Me personally, i love a assertive, nurturing type of woman who brings me peace, loyalty and support.
Pls date me
> I want a submissive and receptive man I can protect, mommy around, keep him safe, help and guide him on the right track.
do you communicate that beforehand? cause thats very rare and quite a niche.
Feminists activist groups have quite a few passive ones.
Your edit pretty much answers your own question. Based off your post, you are not looking for a conventional « give and take » relationship where each partner has their agenda and you both work to come to an agreement. You are looking for a submissive who readily agrees to your every demand. A lot of guys aren’t going to do that and it’s not so much that anything you are doing is attracting the wrong type of guys, it’s just that the pool of guys you are actually after is very small.
Hmmm. Why does this intrigue me….
Wear stilettos and get « Ballbustr » as a vanity plate.
Apparently you crave it
Hello!
I don’t think I can offer much, but I want to say that this has been a surprisingly wholesome, peaceful post and comment section. You’re greatly patient and most have been understanding of your needs.
For what I hear, it sounds like you’re a MomDom. I’m not active in BDSM groups, but I assume there might be (or should be) a distinction made so that they understand that it’s not purely sexual; that you are a lifestyle MomDom.
However, if it’s women-breakers you’ve come across, then perhaps it may be possible (in the fetish groups) to normalize acknowledging that and women who might enjoy being challenged. In fact, such women might learn/know how to be knowingly even more difficult for partners to “break” and provide them both with the experience they want.
Although, honestly, they sound more like stupid dudes that either didn’t care or understand the dynamic, or got caught up in the gotta-prove-you’re-a-man cult that preys on needy men with weak egos.
Is this a troll? You want a submissive man? You’re either in your mid 30s and up or you need some work on yourself. Something isn’t right here.
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Oooh I envy you. I need an alpha male lol, but I attract the opposite too. In my case I think it’s because at first they also think I’m dominant because I’m independent and have usually earned more. Only been recently I’ve found some more dominant men online. The other guys I’d first met in person. Stark difference.
My advice is that men haves a natural animal attitude sometimes specially when our partner (woman) try to help we feel kinda threatened and we think that our partner doesn’t have trust in us that we are able to do that thing so we act kinda defensive best relationship are the independent one’s what i mean by saying that the couple is independent they don’t mix between private life and public one u should put a barrier between ur private life like family work stuff like that and public life u share with ur boyfriend and please stop that femenisme thing because u will act crazy like ur situation now so u can be independent and having a boyfriend without any problems and let’s clear things out when u are dating someone make it clear from the beginning if u are serious or not like put the cards on the table with him so you can build a healthy relationship from the start plus don’t mix between ur limits and your freedom for example u are free to have a male friends and etc but you aren’t free to call them a video call at 2 am or going out with them to have a coffe and restaurants all day I’m just giving an example so don’t take it over seriously anyway you should fix ur attitude first before u start a relationship and take your self with ease i hope my comment will help you to achieve a healthy relationship and a successful one best of luck
Do you really want a wimpy man? I find that kind of odd. I say that because most women want a man that can take charge when needed. But still not be over bearing.
Maybe it’s the image you are presenting.
You terrify me
Men are biologically supposed to be ‘alphas’ to be leaders, to dominate.
What you’re looking for is literally backwards, and you’ll probably end up miserable this way. But good luck lol
Small stature attracts dominant men for sure.
But what you described is more on the control freak side.
I’d describe myself as dominant but that’s just because I can take charge when needed and like to pin her / be on top during sex, not much more. The point I’m getting at is that « dominant » can be quite a broad term and perhaps you want a dominant man but a much less controlling one than the ones youve encountered so far