Dating : I think I’ve just been on the worst date of my life
I like to think of myself as a pretty polite person and I like going on dates – I just like meeting new, interesting people.
Well I met a girl I matched on Tinder. She seemed pretty normal in her texts, we arranged to meet one evening, without any particular plan. On the day of, I unfortunately had an emergency at work (I am a physician) so I had to ask her that we meet about 30 mins later (I did it one hour before the date, and it was fine for her), but we managed to meet in the early evening.
We meet at the train station and I suggested we walk towards the lake (there is a big lake in the middle of our city). She said she want to avoid the crowds so we took a side street. Now on first dates I usually just like to take a little walk around the city, and then sit down somewhere to drink something and chat a bit. I didn’t really have a plan, and it seemed to annoy her greatly that I had to check google maps like once or twice. I was really trying to be polite, so I quickly decided on one of the places I know. This is literally a 15 minute walk through a nice part of town and on the lake. I tried to make a bit of small talk, as you do; I asked her where she works, she kind of blocked it, she said she doesn’t like to talk about work because she is dissatisfied with her workplace. Then nothing. I don’t mind quiet people by the way, but it seemed that if I didn’t make conversation, she just didn’t respond at all. Which obviously increased the tension.
When we arrived at the cafe we had to wait a bit to get seated (probably about 3 minutes). She still seemed annoyed by this. The waitress was pretty friendly but a bit stressed, but we managed to get a passable seat with a nice view of the lake.
When we sat down I asked her if she would min if I ate something, I was at work all day and was a bit hungry. She kind of said nothing, so I ordered a bit of food and some orange juice, and she ordered some other drink (I just realise now I don’t remember what she ordered).
I got my food and I ate a bit, she just looked away and she seemed buried in thought, expression on her face. She said she doesn’t like to look at people eating, especially if the other person has no food. She prefers doing something else than talking a walk, because she cannot look at the person and get to know them that way. I was a bit worried about me eating but was also curious, so I asked her (not in a provocative way), what she likes to do on dates. She said she likes to have a plan, for the date to be prepared, but she also like spontaneity?
I replied that I originally had (and I actually did) two options in mind, which did both involve having a little walk, one was going to see a little farm (it has cute animals and a nice view of the city) or to one of the cafes (there are tons of nice ones, there is no need to prepare this to be honest). She then told me I shouldn’t tell her about the other option that we weren’t doing (wut), she didn’t like taking walks and going to cafes and that this is not a good date. Honestly, I don’t mind someone expressing their dissatisfaction, but there are other ways to do it. I asked her what was a good date for her in the past, and she couldn’t really say.
We did kind of get a conversation going. She stated that she likes to be blunt and direct, but honestly one just got the feeling that she is either incredibly rude or has some personal issues. As we finished our drinks she already suggested we get the check. I was sad to see myself getting increasingly negative as the date progressed. I was simply trying to have a drink and a conversation with a stranger after work and this person was giving me the same vibes as if I’ve literally been torturing her. I walked her to the place where she parked the bike and said goodbye.
All in all, I just wanted to vent. If you’d like to join the conversation, please do. Maybe it is I who did something wrong and didn’t realise it. But I’ve been OLD for about five years and up until know I’ve only had good experiences, with some nice conversations with interesting women, even two (albeit not very long) relationships. It actually got me to the happy conclusion that most people are pretty nice but this date today left me with the worst feeling ever. I feel sorry for her next dates.
Whoever you are dating, please be polite to the other person, even if you don’t like the date.
I have definitely had worse and understand what you are saying.
I do have a suggestion. When I plan a date, I typically share my plan and ask if that is something that they want to do. It seems you could have had this conversation pre-date. Though I think it’s a perfectly fine date, it wouldn’t work for some women I know. They want something exciting, something new, something they wouldn’t likely do by themselves or with a friend. This way she could have expressed it wasn’t her thing and you could plan something different. That said, I don’t think she should have been dismissive and I am not sure you would have a different outcome or not, but at least you get on the same page. Maybe she wanted to go to a movie, maybe dinner, maybe a museum or concert (obviously Covid is still a thing but just theoretically speaking).
The way she treated you was rude, but I have some speculations about where she was coming from if you’re interested. If you’re looking for an explanation or input, I have two points:
A. A lot of women (myself included) don’t like to go walking on a first date. It feels unsafe. I know you said it was a nice part of town, but it also sounds like you didn’t have a destination in mind. If I (the woman) don’t know where we’re going to end up, I might feel unsafe because it’s very easy to go walking with a man beginning in a nice populated part of town but have him lead me to a not nice part or lead me somewhere where we’re alone (both unsafe situations for women). In a lot of cities, the walk from safe place to unsafe place is pretty short. In this context, you checking maps on your phone might also make her uneasy because it makes it look like you’re lost (which is possibly unsafe). This might have caused her a lot of anxiety, and I know several women who would be unhappy with this situation. This might be less of a problem if you tell her where you’re walking to at the beginning. You sound like a great guy, and you clearly had good intentions, but a woman on a first date doesn’t know that about you yet. We’ve been trained to be terrified of you.
B: This might have come off as very low-effort. Some women use the effort a man puts into a date as a gauge of his interest. Effort doesn’t have to mean money. Things like having a decently set plan and being extra considerate of things she has said she likes both indicate effort. A cafe and walk near the lake isn’t a bad idea at all, but asking if she’d like it beforehand might come off better. The way you describe it, it sounds like you might have just said “let’s take a walk and see where it goes.” This comes off as very low-effort and many women would be unimpressed with it. Not all or even most women, but definitely a decently sized subset.
This wasn’t meant to say you did anything wrong (you didn’t), but just as an explanation of what she might have been thinking.
You should’ve probably cleared with her what you had planned for the date, if you did and this is still her response then it’s on her.
Did you offer her food and she declined? Or just asked if she minded that you ate?
Some people just have different standards when it comes to dating. I tend to ask what we’re doing before a date ie. if a guy says hiking I would say no let’s grab coffee or if he wants to pick me up I say no I’ll meet you there. It could’ve been a lack in communication on her part, yours or both.
Always a good idea to have a plan
i’d honestly like to read her perspective on the situation, because from how you describe everything, it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, per se.
some people like knowing what the game plan is, so making stuff up as you go along was perhaps anxiety-inducing to her. then again, you said that she enjoys spontaneity so who really knows.
i can see where she’s coming from on the whole only one person eating thing, it can be rather awkward to just sit there as the other person is eating and you’re not, perhaps it would’ve been better to establish whether you’re just going out for drinks or if you’re going to get food before actually meeting up with her.
i don’t know. seems like miscommunication on both ends. on to the next.
So a couple of thoughts here:
She was obviously peeved at *something.* It could be that she’s just miserable in general, or she’s high-maintenance when it comes to dating (the « buy me, take me, show me, feed me » type), or she was having a very bad day (in which case she should have either canceled OR communicated that this was the case).
OR it could be that she didnt think you looked like your pictures for some reason and isn’t mature enough to either mention it, or polite enough to at the very least be cordial while the date was in progress.
None of these things are good signs. At the end of the day, she was rude and just not pleasant to be around.
There are other, nicer, fish in the sea.
Holy crap. Honestly sounds like she shouldn’t be dating in the first place. It’s ok to be honest and blunt but at the same time, seems like she didn’t care about your feelings at all. I’m sorry.
I had a bad date last week and it got me a bit shaken if I’m honest. Like you, up until that day I had nothing but good experiences. Most of them led nowhere but the guys I went on dates with were nothing but respectful and kind towards me. I know there’s gonna be a couple of bad dates/people but there’s also a lot of good men (women in your case) out there.
1. You showed up late 2. You were on your phone multiple times within minutes of meeting her 3. You had no plan and didn’t clear anything with her ahead of time 4. You told her about fun date ideas that you didn’t do with her
I would’ve been annoyed if I were the woman in this situation as well. Hope you at least paid for her drink.
Hi OP, I’m a female on the dating scene and first off let me say it was really thoughtful of you to text her ahead of time and let her know you would be running late. I’m an incoming resident and I totally understand work can get stressful and the fact that you made it even after that speaks volumes. Also, I don’t think you did anything at all wrong. Your idea of a first date-taking a little walk and talking, getting to know each other, is great. It isn’t fake, it lets you learn about the other person, and it’s non-threatening/safe. You had it planned out as well as someone should on the first date. No, every single little detail does not need to be planned-so what if you checked google maps? Ultimately if you end up dating someone you want to be their friend-and not their tour guide-if you were to go meet a friend would you rigidly plan everything? Probably not.
You really did nothing wrong. This girl was so rude to you and I’m so sorry. You did not deserve that at all. Wishing you the best.
Sorry that happened to you. Sounds like you dodged a bullet! Be grateful and on to the next date lol
Common manners aren’t as common as one might expect, especially nowadays.
You should have cut her loose at the first sign of disrespect
I think nobody did anything wrong. It’s just both of you operating at different frequencies and vibes. I had that too on my tinder dates. Dated one girl who behaved exactly like you mentioned. She likes a lot of spontaneity and I’m the kind of « be prepared for every date » kind of guy. We’ve been on 20 dates or so and I couldn’t seem to do anything right by her book and decided to end our short dating relationship.
Fast forward 1 year later, she found someone and so did I. Don’t take it personally.
So she gave you a lot of passive complaints and little active remedies…
_Swell_
Dude she was a rude and miserable skank. Consider yourself lucky to have only spent a few hours with this drain of happiness. She would have spent all of her time throwing wet blankets on any fun you you might have magically conjured up. At least now you know exactly who you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with. Congrats on the escape. I say go get a beer to celebrate.
she probably thought that if you’re a physician, you would flash your money and do something more interesting.
a walk around a lake and dining at a cafe where you can get snack or drink is a very good first date, IMO.
however, i would suggest you could mention this kind of thing in the future, since it does mean she might have to dress appropriately for it, whether it is related to her shoes for walking or outdoor clothes to protect against sun, wind, rain, etc
My man, you did nothing wrong, this woman was a loon and had I been in your shoes, I would have been out the door the moment she said « I can’t watch someone eat. » That’s some deep-seated emotional issue that requires intensive psychotherapy and you’re a busy man. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the future.
My suggestion is to let them come to you and work on your self as much as possible and to tell as many men that as possible. [I am 100% serious](https://youtu.be/UIEM10v20JE)
Wow, it sounds like you planned amazing dates! Don’t spin your brain over this one, and keep being you 🙂
Did you pay the bill and how much?
seems like this girl was having a bad day, not sure why she got mad with the date, you were talking trying to get to know her?
>She said she likes to have a plan, for the date to be prepared, but she also likes spontaneity?
_swipes left_
She sounds like a comically awful human being. Don’t put up with women who act like this for more than 5 minutes next time.