Dating : I’m at the brink of 30, I’ve got no game (and the thought of measuring up tires me endlessly)
Hello, M 28, average as they come.
I used to not worry much about dating through my early 20s as I thought things would just work themselves out and was generally very picky when it came to girls.
I had decent looks, was young and fresh faced and had plans to travel the world which was what I believed would give me access to more cultured and interesting people.
At 23, I moved out of the small town where my mum lives and took a shot at big city life.
I was always an introvert, so I withdrew
myself during much of that time, which was the forming of a bad habit that still haunts me till this day.
I met my ex at 26. She was lovely and charming in equal measure , but I would later find she was also a PTSD time bomb that blew up in the course of our relationship, which was my first one ever. My confidence was also fairly unsteady and this manifested itself in the way of me failing to satisfy her sexually.
I lost my v to her and it was simply too much pressure.
Thankfully, that was not the sole reason for our breakup, as even though we had mutual respect and gave each other some form of emotional solace, it was also a rather toxic relationship with its fair share of highs and extreme lows.
To top it all off, my confidence took a major hit when I noticed I was in the initial stages of balding and I’ve grappled with it since 27.
I’m of average height, thin and can’t grow a beard. I’ve always rocked the boyish look which I think just doesn’t work for me anymore.
Last year I left my country to Europe to meet my estranged father. It’s been a chance to step back and put my life in perspective and figure out where to go from here. I haven’t been to college (though I’d like to if I could scrape up the means) and I work remotely / part time…resulting in little to no social interaction outside of family (the one I’m only just starting to know).
I feel that I never learned how to chill and have fun in a social context and now more than ever I feel a bit trapped at home.
I don’t know how to meet people and don’t think I have much of value to offer. I’m not charismatic or funny but I try to keep a good attitude and positive outlook on things nonetheless. I can hold a conversation if it means I don’t need to impress someone with my political views and quick wits.
I have next to no social media presence and I’m currently at odds with the dating landscape. It also feels like hookup apps just won’t do me any favors, given my unfavorable circumstances. In any case, that’s besides the fact that I want to meet people in a more spontaneous way.
The thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is that I think of how some of the best fiction is about people like me who can’t seem to fit in, but find their silver lining in due time. I’m a mildly competent artist, I’m fascinated by music and have recently taken an interest in reading and writing. All in all, I tend to think we should make the best of the deck of cards we are dealt with, no matter how shitty.
How can I break a bad rut whilst being at the cusp of a new life?
I’m 24 and honestly feel the same way. I wish I had advice for you. I think my mom knows tho and recommended me the Meetup app. I havent tried it yet due to no insurance on my car so I can’t drive to these places yet but maybe it could help you and you could tell me if it seemed to work out? I’m also told to indulge in your hobbies. Like music, I also love music and have been debating on when I can drive if I should indulge myself into the local music scene and hopfully meet people there.
Hey there,
The only thing that helps you is to get out of your comfort zone. You could have a look on Meetup. There are often events close-by, also for introverts. It’s a good way to get to know other people or try out new hobbies. I used it a lot after me and my ex broke up and I had to rebuild my social life. Maybe a social sport is something for you (e.g., bouldering)? It’ll also make you a bit more muscular which might help you as well.
I think it is really important that you start focussing on yourself first. What do you want from life? Make sure it are things that you can influence.
Also, you will fail sometimes. But that’s okay. Take the lesson and learn from it. Eventually the social interactions and meeting new people or potential dates become easier and easier (and dating becomes also more interesting because you have more things to talk about 🙂 ).
That life … up to your age girls dont care whether you live or die … then once their biological clocks start ticking loud youre slowly going to get in demand
And once youre +40 youll be seen as useless again
But the next 10 years are your best dating years
Jeez, you really scared me for a minute. I thought you might be my ex. Upon further reading I think you might be me, lol. I really feel for you. I’m in a bad place now with nothing to offer to a relationship. Thinking about all the steps to become a functioning person, let alone a dateable one is extremely daunting.
I’m sort of where you are in life, maybe a few steps behind. All I can think of is to just keep going. Eventually things will fall in to place (I hope). But in the process of rebuilding myself and my life I hope to meet people. I’m sorry I can’t offer much advice. Just wanted to say you’re not alone in this feeling.
I’m almost 30 I have dated quite a few however my long relationship was 2 years. I have been engaged and well I ruined it. It took me a long time to come to terms of reality of what happened, and just when I thought things were okay I got into a severe car accident almost dying, and sadly my little brother didn’t make it. The whole dating scene changed for me because I couldn’t walk for months, nor even take a real shower. Flash forward 3 years later I still have some restrictions but with perseverance I have come a long way. I was diagnosed with borderline and love addiction which entails many high and lows and on top of that I’m highly insecure and have severe social anxiety. You certainly are not alone at all. My best advice is to start with one goal in aspects of the dating life then start writing objectives you believe will help you achieve this goal. It won’t happen overnight but it was absolutely feasible to attain. You had a rough patch but don’t give hope. Start with something small for example you want to meet females right but you’re shy? Well I’m shy too and what I do is I tend to meet people on Facebook or through other friends, maybe Okcupid. Either way try talking online first. Don’t overthink it, in fact don’t even worry about impressing girls because the right one will like you for you. I’m crazy af and always worried no one could or want to handle me, now I don’t care because I’m a shot of whiskey in someone’s coffee. My point is to love yourself man, it takes times but start valuing all the little pieces of you that make you, you. Once you can start to accept yourself more and not give a shit about what other girls think things will come more naturally. So I would say your goal is how to meet someone? So your objectives would be to find a place/social media to do so, second work on your self esteem and acceptance of yourself, and whatever else you feel need to be achieved first before you muster all your courage to go out of your comfort zone. It takes time, but take baby steps and tackle the things you know you’re capable of before proceeding to the next step. Hope I was of some help, feel free to message me, I’ve always been the friend people came to for advice and I like helping people because I know how it feels to feel alone in your thoughts.
[Here’s one](https://old.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/chuwcc/i_24f_turned_25_a_few_days_ago_and_i_have_never/)
>thin. I’ve always rocked the boyish look which I think just doesn’t work for me anymore.
Yea so scrap that. Join r/gainit and put in some time.