Dating : I’m Unsure of What to Do and it’s Taking a Toll on Me.
I’m unsure of what to do and it’s taking a toll on me.
I (19F) have a close friend (21M) that I ended up developing feelings for unintentionally. I didn’t like him at first but over time I felt myself getting close to him, to the point where I was just content being with him regardless of what we were doing. However, since I didn’t like him at first, when he started pursuing me I pushed him away a bit because I was nervous and confused. I have never been in a relationship before and it scared me for many reasons along with FOMO of course. So, once things had settled and we hung out, it all fell into place that maybe a relationship with him was what I had wanted. He made me laugh, time with him was the best, and I grew to… like all of him. All parts of him.
He had kissed me unexpectedly one day and had acted all romantic as well (getting me gifts that I told him weren’t necessary and saying he loved me) until some time after, he told me he wasn’t looking to date anyone at the moment. Committed to being single. We then settled on being friends with benefits since I thought I could be cool with it, wait it out till he felt ready (as he had told me if he were to date, he’d consider me first).
(We did eventually go on a real date though. Just one.)
He follows my twitter so I decided to check out his profile (in secret) out of curiosity. I noticed he’d sometimes retweet things that he’d want like for example, wanting to be cuddled. From then on, in order to secretly fulfill his desires, I would check his profile to see what I could do. After some time, I saw that he would like pictures of girls. Admittedly, I felt funny but it’s a modern day thing now and I guess you could equate it to porn right? So I’d brush it off. But then he commented on this girl’s breast (gawking) and another girl’s art (who mainly posted body pictures). It stung a bit cause I felt whereas with liking, this was more so seeking a connection. You see an attractive person and like it? That makes sense but unless you’re being supportive of their passion, I can’t grasp why the art too. I didn’t feel good enough suddenly and it hurt but I kept it in private since I knew what I signed up for, this was on me. It became too much though. I am too fond of him so I ended the FwB and tried to take space from him, as I settled on remaining friends. It was tolerable but I missed him. I felt bad knowing he’d be able to have fun with his friends all the time whereas I was stuck at home or work (same repetitive life) still hung up in my feelings.
We hung out some time after but it resulted in nsfw. The next time we met (yesterday), we had gone for ramen and then walked around for a bit. We neared my home and I asked whether he wanted to keep walking but he mentioned that I did want to chill in my room (which was true especially since I got him gifts).
I was determined to not allow anything inappropriate to happen in order to spare myself anymore pain. At first, it went well. We had watched some tv and cuddled but then as time progressed he started teasing me. I was able to resist it, able to say no for some time but eventually I caved. I still love him so much so I thought, “Surely I can handle this right? We’ve already gone so far so you might as well and then you can definitely gather your bearings after! You’ve got this!”
We remained with each other after, laying next to each other and watching a comedy till he had to leave. Once he had arrived home, he allowed me to watch him play a game till morning (PS4).
My heart has been wrenched and it still is. I know I shouldn’t have allowed the flirting and teasing or for it to go this far but I did all cause I love him so… I made myself check his profile (after avoiding it so I can save the pain) (I also followed it this time so at least he’ll be aware I can see the content) again so I could hit myself with the reality of things. Girls and whatnot. It hurts so much to the point where I don’t wish to take care of myself as I should (lost appetite and stopped exercising).
Part of me wants to cut him off completely but I don’t want to. I can’t bring myself to. We talked every day and we still talk frequently for the most part. He didn’t do wrong and I should have been able to handle my feelings. Another part of me wants to talk to him in person about how we can’t do this anymore, the flirting and all since I’m not his girl it would just hurt me. To just get it across that it can’t happen anymore since I’ve shed so many tears. I already deal with depression so this is just brutal. It’s so silly to kind of hope maybe he’ll realize my worth but I know it’s not healthy. I love him so dearly.
Thank you for reading this.