Dating : Is everyone desperate for a partner or am I crazy?
Everyone, and I (22F) mean EVERYONE of my friends is in a relationship. They are so dedicated to their relationships they are willing to sacrifice and compromise their friendship with me to maintain them.
My best friend of six years has moved in with her abusive boyfriend who kicks her out whenever he gets mad at her. Not to mention the fact that they live in a house owned and paid for by his parents- this man can’t hold down a job and supposedly has a criminal record. She has cut anyone (including me) out of her life who has tried to help her.
My best friend of four years is madly in love with her boyfriend who she is currently exploring another city with. This guy asked her to be his girlfriend because he wanted to have s*x with her and she said she won’t do it unless they are in a committed relationship. In the past he has gotten physical with her and when she asked for commitment he said they were « just friends ». She is currently mad at me because I called her out for not prioritising me and ghosting me whenever she pleases.
Another one of my friends is in an open relationship but plot twist- he keeps hitting on me even though I have told him I am not interested- I don’t do open relationships. Most of my work colleagues are in committed relationships or marriages. And lastly my closest friend right now will make a plan with me, but it will always end with us hanging out with her boyfriend’s group because he always calls and she wants to see him. I have no choice but to go along with it.
The last remotely similar to a relationship thing I was involved in ended in him abusing me throughout my first time having s*x, me blocking him and proceeding to spiral into depression and severe OCD. I am now on medication and in therapy for the PTSD I have from the abuse.
Sometimes I want to go back to my abuser. It feels better than being alone. I feel so left out it feels like everyone is having s*x and related discussions and I’ve only done it once and even that was messed up.
I feel lonely, left out and isolated.
An SO will almost always take precedence over a friend
I feel you OP. I’m the only one in my entire friend group and workplace who is single. Though the vast majority of them have great, healthy relationships
What I am gleaming from your statement is that you’re picking damaged friends with a co-dependancy problem. And now you are judging what « normal » is based on the skewed version of they are doing.
First: You have some fucked up ass friends.
Second: You don’t need those people in your life
Third: Dont go back to the abuser no matter how lonely you feel
Fourth: You need to work on yourself before finding someone. I’m not saying to go into complete isolation, but you need to clean up your mental and emotional health to get some self confidence back so you can be able to find the right person for you, whether it is a partner or friends.
I honestly think that you’d be better off in general by getting new friends. Unfortunately/fortunately we can become products of our environment, so surround yourself with better people and you’ll become better.
My advice is get used to it. In the order of priorities your partner will always be more important than your friends.
Your particular circumstances sound bad because your friends are not in health relationships, but healthy or no, your partner comes second after yourself, then your children, your other family members, then your friends.
It is great that you want to help and advise your friends on what’s going on, but they make their own decisions and usually people need to learn the hard way about what they want in relationships.
Friends will come and go, this is something you learn in your early 20s. Focus on yourself and learning how to be independent, it took me a long time to do things on my own that I would normally never do without a group.
Is ‘sex’ a naughty word or something? Especially on the internet? On a forum for discussing dating?
Your friends suck
Tbh im in a friendgroup too where everybody has a gf or bf partly with some kind of crazy things happen too and then i look at me: a funny good looking guy with a good job, the „most normal“ guy in my friendsgroup i would assume, still getting ghosted and have no luck with girls
I think a lot of people are desperate for regular sex. Not necessarily a relationship
It’s rather sickening hearing all the stories about loser guys treating their women bad but they keep going back to them. I consider myself a catch I have my own place make decent money at my job don’t drink ( might have 1 at a party). Don’t smoke etc. I struggle getting numbers and dates especially online. . . I’ve had about the same amount of luck just going to a random bar.
So.It sounds like you want to be in a relationship because you seem to be letting that relationship status of your friends somehow convince you that being in a relationship all the time is normal and that it will take the sadness, pain and feel I ngs of isolation away. And you know..at first..it makes sense. I read this and i think to myself… »damn..I get that. That was me when I was 22″ but then I immediately revert back to my 26 year old guy mind that has experienced being single and being in an unhappy relationship. I will choose being single every time. And I will explain why.
First..full disclosure. I made dating women my priority in college and the law of eventual bullshit caught up with me and I wound up being with someone who was abused and her PTSD made her see me as a stalker when I just have really bad ADHD and autism and can’t socialize worth a damn. (I’m doing better now though). She and her friend convinced the school administration to get rid of me. So I was suspended. Looking back on it now..I see that I made women I priority because I was lonely and she fucked up my academic goals because her father raped her. Fair? No. Real? Yes.
My point is dating isn’t the answer to the empty feelings inside of you. You have to soul search, read up on psychology, sociology, find a spiritual practice that works for you, overcome your traumas, find your place in the world, become a WHOLE person..and all of that can be really difficult if your brain is telling you otherwise and commercials are telling you » get this product. It will make you pretty and feel better ». And you may find some of what you need to learn from other people who teach you things passively ( I call them Life Mentors). Life mentors come into your life when you need them to be to teach you something when you need it.
I know it FEELS hard to be alone but thats only because there is something you need to teach yourself that others don’t have lessons for. I think there are several questions you should ask yourself.
1. WHY do you feel that being in a relationship will make you happier, less isolated, and less alone? (You should be your best friend and lover instead of GIVING that power to other people.)
2. HOW does your childhood and past interactions with people affect your worldview, your choice in partners, and your ability to date? (Parents fuck us up with the best of intentions because they got relationship issues that we learn and adopt as our own in some way)
3. WHO is most important in your life? (It should be YOU, but it is often is our partner, our parents or friends because we don’t put ourselves first if we don’t feel worthy of self-love)
4. WHAT will it really take to feel truly fulfilled if not a relationship? ( Don’t let other people’s fulfillment be the model of what will bring you fulfillment ONLY YOU can find out what fulfills you.)
5. WHERE does the belief that relationships make you complete come from and why do you still not really feel complete when you are in one? ( Relationships are luxuries that most people cannot EMOTIONALLY AFFORD until they have looked within themselves and have become aware enough of how their past affects their present decisions)
6. WHEN will YOU be enough for YOU? ( This depends on when you will feel that you are worth the time you need to invest to be a better you. An improved you. A whole you.)
I can only answer those questions from my perspective. You will have different answers than me. I hope you get where I am coming from and may actually see the beauty in being with yourself. Remember…being alone isn’t bad. You have to treat it as TIME YOU TAKE TO GET TO KNOW YOURSELF. BE ALONE. its good for you and its good for the people you will one day be romantic with because they will have a whole you..not just half.
Much love. Best wishes. Live laugh and love freely!
You’re crazy, lol.
If you aren’t happy without an S/O, you won’t be happy with one.
Find new friends, take some time to heal and realise that life isn’t just about relationships. But your happiness with life as a whole.
I’m 25 and never been in a relationship. But I’m in a good headspace with my anxiety and am confident and happy with life now.
The relationship will come, wait it out for a good partner and you’ll thank yourself.
That’s what most people your age do. Part of it is biological. We may seek out partners for different reasons than hundreds or thousands of years ago, but the desire still remains and affects our behaviors
Oh yeah, getting back to your ex abuser is a hell of a good choice smh
Just meet someone new, better than go back to someone that abused you
I would recommend making new friends through a hobby or social media. I have a boyfriend but I still prioritize my close female friendships and am still trying out new hobbies. And second of all, if you went back to your abuser, you’d feel lonely, left out, isolated, and unsafe on top of that. Most people aren’t in good relationships, as you can see with some of your friends, so I wouldn’t romanticize being in one. I know it’s hard, but I think being single is much better than being stuck to a shitty guy just so you’re not alone.
I will legit hookup, friends with benefits, relationship. I just need consistent communication and regular meets. I have barely any friends. Just one. I want more people to show interest in me. People generally do get surprised when I talk about myself but then there’s no hitting each other up.
It’s a part of being an adult unfortunately. Most, if not all, will prioritize their partner over almost anyone else besides maybe their immediate family. Friends tend to be last on the totem pole.
All of my friends are now engaged or married. I’m 27. It gets lonely at times.
Out right ghosting you is not great. Though, you do feel inclined to help your friends, it’s not your job to give them advice unless they ask. This can ruin friendships. On the other hand, you don’t have to listen to them complain about their abusive boyfriends either. But no one likes unsolicited advice.
Why are you putting yourself in these situations? You can choose new friends
How about getting a relationship that isn’t abusive?
Just be there to be friends when they divorce. They are trying to make their SO happy, but if they’re sacrificing their friendships for the relationships, the relationships will eventually end.
I kinda know how you feel. Been there. Every single one of my friends had someone, and this someone always had priority over me no matter what. One guy still remains this way, and I’d not have anything against it, BUT it makes us see each other only once per around 3 months or even longer. Right now I am happy to have true friends, most of whom are not in a relationship and it doesn’t seem to will have changed in quite some time. The only thing that scares me now is that there’s gonna be a day, when I’ll wake up and see everyone around me busy with their families.
I had also been in a point when I wanted to go back to my metally abusive ex gf. Don’t do that. I know that being lonely sucks, but this way you are at least not being mistreated or abused. In a toxic relationship you might not be lonely, but the very person you are attached you hurts you a lot.
All my friends are married so guess what, I don’t have friends now. I Just want a relationship so I have someone to spend time with.
lmao women will really put up with anything as long as the guy is hot