Dating : Isn’t this supposed to be fun or something?
Was dating always this miserable?
I (20M) just find this absolutely soul-sucking. It’s just a never ending cycle of making profiles, making small talk, and ultimately getting ghosted. I feel like I can’t « be myself » because I’m in a competition with every other male in a 30 mile radius, who are probably taller, more wealthy, etc.. It’s never really about trying to find the right person, it’s always about trying to get some edge over the dates other options. It feels like I’m doing recreational job interviews, it feels like a part time job.
I just want to get emotionally close to another human being. I fucking hate this.
What little I’ve tried, being a painfully shy person by nature and being less than stellar in the looks/status depts…it always has been for me. I finally just had to give it up and accept my place in the world.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. We all feel like it’s a big mess but most of us have given up on it. Frankly, my self respect is too important to me to continue putting myself out there on these trash apps.
Take a good look at this paragraph. The same thing could be written about finding that one….single….grand…prize….in Gambling. The RIGHT lottery ticket. The RIGHT slot machine. The RIGHT crap table. The RIGHT time to play Powerball. And oh yes…the RIGHT moment in which you could win. One & the same with dating. An emotional carbon copy. Think about it. Think.
I’m older and dated before internet dating even was a thing. It was really fun! Getting out, meeting people while living life outside in the wide world. Every first impression was one based on you in relation to the circumstance and the other person – not you compared to 27 other fools lying on your profiles, trying to one-up the others so that a woman can select the best liar and then ghost him anyway. Modern dating honestly sounds like a sadistic tool to make people feel bad.
I would say it’s only fun if you’re in it for something casual. Otherwise, no. Not very fun, very much disappointing.
Welcome to the dating world of the 2020’s. I heard dating at some points in history used to be fun, but as for now we’re screwed.
Dating sites are notoriously toxic places for everyone (but especially men). There’s always more men than women on dating sites which incentivizes motivated men to do the heavy lifting during conversations and the initial pursuing. There’s also the issue of enabling easy ways for women to constantly “date up”. If an early 20s woman has four men on her phone, three are her age, one lives with his parents, one is unemployed, one is not as attractive as she wants, and the fourth has none of the previous flaws and is also a bit older. She will pick the fourth every time, its trivially easy for her to do that. And if it doesn’t work out for her she will constantly be comparing the first three men to the fourth, she will always feel like she’s “settling”.
In the end, the men who survive and thrive in this environment are the ones who are the most assertive and persistent and women generally don’t do any pursuing or put forth effort simply because they don’t *have* to. Most men end up with no dates and most women end up complacent and bombarded with men who are skewed to have certain personality quirks / flaws that make them successful in this environment.
As for advice, I generally tell people to avoid dating sites and to join groups online for hobbies and interests that you enjoy. Make a real continual effort to meet people. As long as you’re continually meeting new people and building a social network with friends you will probably find someone eventually.
that’s why i gave up. nothing but games at every interval and i’d rather invest that time in something meaningful that actually shows results.
If it makes you feel any better, I (27F) feel the exact same way. It drives me crazy because dating and dating apps make me feel absolutely terrible about myself, but I feel like I need them to even have a chance at making a connection with another person and build a relationship.
I feel the same way, and I’m a girl. I’m competing with girls who are hotter, kinder, more experienced, etc than me and I’m so tired of trying to get close to guys just for it to never work out. I feel like my efforts are being wasted and I’ve given up at this point. It’s so draining to go through tons of talking stages and it never amounting to anything more.
From your post I understand that you are doing online dating and I would suggest against it; however tempting it might seem like. Those dating websites/apps are really toxic places where people sort each other out based on superficial filters alone and you do not have the opportunity to shine with your character.
They trick you into using them by making you think that it is the only way you can get a date. Do not let this betray you and trying joining hobby/sports clubs and making real life friends male/female. The females on these apps or the females who use these apps and you meet in real life are almost bound to behave very similar and will have the mentality that men are disposable and lucky to have them. They will only see what they can get from a man and not what they can offer.
Welcome to modern dating!
Are you actually getting dates, or do you mean you’re being filtered out before that point during the messaging part?
Honestly when I started it felt like trying to find a job. I had to show them why they should take a chance to meet me. And like most of my interviews, I thought the first date went well then I get ghosted.
No. Maybe it used to be, but that’s definitely not the case anymore. I have seen multiple people compare it to « cold calls, » and I think that’s what killed it for me. Americans have this weird fetishization of business culture, of everything being « productive. » Romance doesn’t work like that, but Americans eat that kind of shit up. If that’s the future then I’m glad my genes die with me.
Short and simple, be yourself. You don’t want to play a character when dating someone as if it becomes serious you’re just hiding who you are from someone you end up caring about. If you were one of my friends I’d say the exact same thing brother. Also, (sorry for length of msg) fuck comparing yourself to people better looking, wealthier than you as it will make you bitter long term. Make yourself desirable by even improving parts of your life that you’d find unattractive 🙂
You are asking if dating has always been miserable, but you mean looking through online apps, right?
I don’t know, I guess I don’t look awful but I never cared about what other men do and if my date potentially has other candidates. It just doesn’t really bother me, until it’s serious enough of course.
For me it’s interesting that in these type of threads, the OP only talks about the physical aspects. The looks, the height, and probably being rich or not.
But women really do care about personality too and if you are boring and have nothing original to say, or just immediately talk about sleeping with them – they will probably ignore you. I’m not saying this is you, but this thread doesn’t seem any different than most of the others I have read.
My advice is: worry less about the looks and put more focus in how you present yourself and how interesting you are to them. Having some hobbies that you are passionate about helps a lot. I love cooking for example and I’ve always had nice talks about food and cooking with my dates.
It’s miserable because you’re not being yourself. Some women find me completely unattractive, too feminine, too sensitive, too outspoken etc. Plenty of women want traditionally manly men that can fix their cars and shit.
But also plenty of women love that I actually know how to wash my face and dress myself and have interests they can relate to. I attract a lot of women that specifically are looking for guys like me.
Don’t be generic and boring in an attempt to cast a wider net. That’s precisely why people will lose interest.
>I feel like I can’t « be myself » because I’m in a competition with every other male in a 30 mile radius, who are probably taller, more wealthy,
you HAVE to be « yourself » cause there always will be someone taller and someone richer … but there never will be another one that is more like you.
self improvement is a great thing.., but self improvement means « improve things YOU want to imprive » and not « mold yourself to better fit in »
It was fun. Then dating apps came along and thanks to their worth being overvalued, women sucked the life out of the whole experience.
Yeah thats one of the bad sides of OLD.
As you can analyse a real date situation in person to find if the person is just faking his/her behavior to fit the profile, on OLD, you actually need to pass the first barrier of texting with all the bullcrapy pick up lines or neverending quizzes that are like a interrogation for a job.
However, i prefer the quiz when the other is also honnest. Pick ups are mostly just ridiculous most of the time.
Hello friend my advice for u is you should work on yourself what i mean is you need to make yourself a better version of yourself invest time on your personality and look , girls and dating can wait and actually tinder dates ain’t a. Serious relationship for my perspective because firstly it’s just used to find chicks and etc i don’t mean its 100% for that use but the reputation is saying.
So when u start working on improving your self like workout reading books doing hobbies like camping trip stuff like that you willl be a more interesting person that the others around you the benefits of this that people will be more attracted to you coz u are curious person and they like to know u better that’s the human nature we always do that so when they know u more they’re going to find out that u are living an amazing life and interesting one so that is the winning strategy for you
Goodluck hope that helped u
Before I met by current girlfriend through sheer luck, I couldn’t get even a single match on any of the dating platforms. Dunno how all the guys here are managing it.
Dating apps aren’t fun, try meeting people in person. I uninstalled Tinder a while ago even tho I matched with a few girls and still talk with them from time to time. It just feels like that app is a waste of time and effort.
OLD is a part-time sales and marketing job for men. That’s how the game is played, son. If you don’t like it, learn cold-approach, take some classes and meet women there, or limit yourself to women you can meet in your social circle. Good luck!
Stop trying so hard. Let the right one find you. I was trying for years, only ever got used as a rebound and got ghosted a lot. I then gave up. Stopped looking for a girl I could take out and instead focused on improving myself. Lost some weight, tried being more genuine with everyone around me and then bam. I was asked out by two women around the same time. Now, unfortunately I couldn’t build a relationship with either one, possibly due to the fact I have very little experience with that kinda thing but I’m friends with both of them and it never hurts to at least make friends. Never know who they could introduce you to.
So let me ask you, why don’t you go out and talk in real life to girls? Trust me: that would be the quickest and best solution to ur problems.
Oh, yeah…I forget you’re an introvert and you probably like to take that as an excuse.
Introvert…that’s some bullshit excuse brother. Man up and SPEAK to girls.